Trying to Crack that Cell Password?!

Situation:

Has the dreaded password protected cell phone issue come up in your relationship yet? Is your partner suspicious of your locked phone? Let’s get into it!

Don't get busted trying to crack the code!

She Says:

Be prepared for a rather short post from me.  As we all know, I am a single girl loving life right now; so I have to write this as a hypothetical:

If my future boyfriend should ask me for my iPhone password, or request that I take my iPhone password off, my answer would be a simple – HELL NO!! Let me correct that: my answer would be F*CK NO!

My iPhone is like my brain – for me, it houses much more than text messages, Facebook, and the glorious Twitter. Forgive me as I defer to the third person to clarify through the following statement: A’s iPhone = A’s life. My iPhone password is just as precious to me as my Social Security number. There is no way that I would I would share it with anyone. And I for damn sure am not removing my password lock in order to ease a man’s insecurities or trust issues, leaving my personal banking and other private information unprotected. No ma’am no girl.

My future boyfriend asking for my iPhone password is the equivalent of my going into his wallet, taking out his debit card and asking for his pin number. That would be quite redonkulous, don’t ya think?!

A

He Says:

The cell phone happens to be the greatest invention of modern times.  It’s a small device that can connect you to every aspect of your life in an instant.  For many of my ninja friends out there, it is the life line to jawns near and far.  But the cell phone can also be the source of destruction in your dealings with females—that is, if you don't properly protect yourself and your investments.  This is why I am an advocate for Homeland Security style defense on the cell phone at all times. 

Most of my female counterparts will say that a man with a lock on his phone has something to hide.  Well, let me tell you point blank---YOU DAMN RIGHT!  I know so many people that have gotten caught up in drama due to misconstrued information from a brief glimpse at a cell phone.

Unfortunately, humans are a nosey bunch.  We want to find out what is going on behind the metaphorical curtain, a.k.a. someone else’s cell phone screen.  In my younger days, I got caught up in many situations where my cell phone was compromised due to this type of curiosity.  I received many questionable emails, the content of which, I had no control over.  But being the trusting person I was, I didn’t think it was necessary to hide these things from any jawns I was dealing with by locking my phone.  At the end of the day though, these jawns were magically drawn to searching through it and trying to decipher everything that was happening in my life.  This is clearly partially my fault, for not deleting certain items upon receipt---but it ended up being a learning learned; I now know to always wrap up my cellular Trojan Magnum style. 

Clearly the technological minds behind mobile phones know this as well, as phones are so advanced now, that you can have some amazing locking devices.  You can lock your entire phone or lock just your app--even get alerts whenever someone tries to break into your phone!  Technology has been a blessing to all you ninjas out there still in the game.  So wrap your stuff up, don't share your password and cover all bases; this is the path to avoiding dumb arguments—make sure all your sh*t is on LOCK.  Men, we are not smart enough to come up with lies like women.  So make sure you are one step ahead of the game! Protect yourself!

Herman Cain approves this post!

K

That Awkward Moment When...

Situation: Ladies in the thick of the dating scene have all faced this problem – you have to take a sh*t and your boyfriend, boo, fav smanger, or whoever-- is near. Oh Lawd, what to do, what to do?

Ladies, Are you this comfortable?

She Says:

Ohh ladies, we have all been there – that cute moment when you two are snuggled up on the couch watching TV and all-of-a-sudden your stomach is on full blown BGs. Or you’re spending the night with your boyfriend, boo, fav smanger, or whoever for the first time and you need to take a sh*t. What do you do?

I have known women who have been holed up at a man’s place, eating and smanging for days on end, who have kept their poop lodged inside for that entire time; not letting it out until they had the home court advantage. Some have even said that they will not take a sh*t at their boyfriend’s house for the first six months!

In situations of dire need, women do have various techniques in which to drop the chocolate kids off at the pool without having their man be the wiser. Things like taking a sh*t then a shower, pulling a sit-and-flush, or padding the bowl with toilet paper so the plops aren't loud—are some of the ways in which they accomplish this.

You may be laughing, but this is apparently a very important issue for women – based on the fact that it is quite often a topic of conversation. Women are human beings and have to pass fecal matter in the same way as men. However taking a sh*t around a guy is often viewed as taboo, and when it happens for the first time it is often seen as a relationship milestone--well at least for women. I wonder if men even notice or care.  Men, do you have popping etiquette? Do men hold on to their fecal matter for days for fear of ridicule? Do men notice that women don’t take sh*ts around them?

Friends Don’t Let Friends get backed up…CONSTIPATION IS NEVER SEXY!!! Ladies, take control of your lives and sh*t freely – just remember to hop in the shower immediately after; I hear the steam helps the smell! LOL

A

He Says

Well, well, well…You tried to be cute and eat some ice cream after dinner with your boo (knowing you get the bubble guts when you eat dairy) and now your ass is on straight rumble.  Or you failed to toss back enough shots before your first smash time and now you need to take that famous nervous dump.  What the hell do you do?

Let me explain to you: no guy--and by guy I mean a real dude--should give a damn if you need to relieve yourself anally.  You better let that sh*t out.  I know most ladies hate to even go to the bathroom to pee around their dude.  Are y’all crazy?  If you got to go---you got to go.   I don't want you switching from side to side on the couch because you need to go sh*t.  That just makes you look like a retard to me. 

I appreciate a woman that will feel comfortable to relieve herself around me.   Don't mistakenly assume that if you don't go to the bathroom it’s going to make me want to be with you even more.  Shoot, I appreciate a random fart here and there from a woman.  It lightens the mood and allows me to joke on you.  You have never had a funnier conversation than the one that occurs when your man goes into the bathroom behind you, and realizes you can rock that joint even better than he can.  That is a proud moment.  It’s like seeing his son stand up and pee for the first time.  That joy is unspeakable.        

Now FDLF family y’all might think I am crazy, but do you know what backed up bowels can do to your life?  I did a little research for you fools.  Two (2) of the signs that you need to get your ass flushed happen to be bad breath and foul body odor.  Now go home and ask your man if he would prefer you to smell like bad tuna and Secret deodorant---or that you  just go in the bathroom and doo what it doo.  Ladies please---BE FREE AND SH*T IT OUT.

K

Ray-J: A Real R&B Thug!

Situation: Unless you were living under a rock yesterday, you heard the Ray-J interview with the Breakfast Club on 105.1 in NYC. We must say that it was highly entertaining. Of course we couldn’t let this slip by…

He Says:

I was definitely a doubter… and I never thought I would say this ever in my life…but---William Raymond Norwood Jr. is a real ninja. Not one of them fake ninjas, but a true thug. I think he said it best with, “Ninjas saying Ray J got beat up?? I socked that ninja in the face!”

For those who may not know what I am speaking of, let me fill you in. Fabolous and Ray-J got into a slight altercation this weekend over some twitter jokes. For those of you who might not know just how thorough William is, let me help you understand through the lens of the greatest interview in radio history—which went down yesterday morning, and during which Ray-J was completely spazzing on Fabolous. He actually told another grown man never to touch down on the west coast. That means Fabolous can’t even go visit Rancho Cucamonga without the goons coming out on him. Now go ahead and tell me that’s not thug life right there!

William further proceeded to tell Fabolous that he would find the goons that like dudes to rape him. Now I don’t know about the rest of the FDLF family, but all thugs I know definitely have goons at the ready to butt rape their enemies. That’s how they get down in the streets.

A lot of you might still be questioning my man William’s gangsta. So let me remind you of a few last things: he “got a indoor pool and a outdoor pool.” He “don’t drive no mutha f’n 97 GT!” And if you want to question him one more time---go to his crib and he “will show you all his cars’ pink slips.” Or just ask Kim K.

Dadadada Dayum!

K

She Says:

To say that I thoroughly enjoyed Ray-J’s rant yesterday morning would be an understatement. Ray-J started my previously boring ass Monday morning off with a bang. After listening, my first inclination was to wonder how long it was going to take for momma Sonia to whoop that ass! Lol!

Within minutes of his rant, Ray-J was trending on twitter and had several hash tags attached to his rant like, #PeopleTougherThanRayJ or #ThingsTougherThanRayJ. Black twitter had gone into frenzy! While laughing hysterically at the rant and my timeline alike, I began to think about what the take-a-ways from this whole situation might be. So here are my top 5 lessons to learn from Ray’s epic rant:

1. You Can Get Rich From Reality TV – Ray-J apparently owns 6 Bentleys, 7 Rolls-Royces, 10 Phantoms, 3 Maybachs, 20,000 square foot houses, glass chandeliers, 2 white ponies, a unicorn, and Bubbles (#ripMJ). I mean I was truly impressed that Ray-J had pink slips to all his cars! Way to make worthwhile investments (* rolls eyes *).

2. You Have to Apologize for Being a Broke Ass Bitch – You are broke if you do not have an outdoor and indoor version of every amenity in your home. I am installing an outdoor kitchen tomorrow. Y’all won’t be talking about me, huh!

3. Sending Goons to Rape Others is Acceptable – I did not know it was hot in the streets for men to send other grown men “to bend them over and have them stick it that n*gga’s booty.” OHHH MYY! O_O

4. To Appear Hard, Just Over Enunciate – It appeared to help Ray-J get his point across!!! I have a new respect for the word ‘apologize’.

5. Nick Cannon is Still Corny – While we’re on the subject of wack dudes, I need to say that I really just hate him! Marrying Mariah didn’t help the cause at all. ::shrugs::

The end. Y’all better comment or I will have my goons on y’all bumpers. LOL!

A

...And Just Like That, Your Stock Plummets!!!

Situation:

We have all had it…that awkward moment when you see your ex, former boo, or fav smanger’s new chick! Does the tragedy of the new chick affect your dating stock at all? Let’s try and figure it out…

Financial Market or the Dating Scene?!?!

She Says:

On August 6, 2011, Standard & Poor’s downgraded the US credit rating from AAA to AA+.  Some say it had something to do with the debt ceiling issue but really, I think it is something more. America went from having the dumb white guy in charge to having the black guy in charge – and we all know what a black guy does to your credit rating! I kid, I kid…but not really. It got me thinking about stock ratings in the dating scene, and what factors can cause your dating stock to take a hit. Let me explain.

Recently, I encountered a situation where someone I was messing with was seen with a new young woman who was just unfortunate looking; like some sort of hoodrat beast, actually. The news arrived from a friend via telephone and as we spoke, I could hear the judgment laced throughout her voice. So, I grabbed my trusty Facebook investigation kit and got to work. I found the picture and all the blood rushed from my face, then I laughed nervously. This really was the final straw – NO MORE ASSOCIATION WITH THIS PERSON!!!

It was at that very moment that I knew that my dating stock had taken a hit. My stock is so low right now, that I might have to take Andre (loyal FDLF reader/commenter) up on his dating offers!  LOL! YES, shit just got real! Since ‘ol dude has downgraded the quality of the selection of his female associates, and chosen to be seen out in public with this new physically handicapped heaux – my own stock has taken a direct hit. “How so”, you ask? Because I was the last known associate of said dude and am now in the same category as this tragic heaux. It is quite the unfair turn of events!

Does this new chick affect how I feel about myself? HELL NO! She simply affects the public perception of me since we are both members of ‘ol dude’s smashing club. We all know that I am better than her though, right? LOL!

Anyhoo—Andre, help me rebound my stock, won’t you?

A

He Says

Most of you Negroes will try and act like it doesn’t affect you when someone from your past starts dating another person.  Even more of y’all will claim that it doesn’t affect you when your old boo dates a busted, broke down jawn.  I am here to tell each person that makes these claims---you are all liars!

I will explain: any time an ex begins to date someone, and you are still on the market, it starts to make you wonder why the hell you are still single.  You feel even worse when a former jawn gets wife’d or engaged to a busted, rundown bum that is 10 times worse than you.  

I knew a young man once who was damn in love with a young woman for a few years.  The guy definitely made the mistake of failing to make it official, but he still gave the woman everything she needed.  To make a long story short, this woman ended up leaving him, and within 6 months was engaged to her ex.  The same ex that had cheated on her multiple times and broken her heart.  My boy was really trying to save this heaux!  He had spent years resuscitating her emotions for that jawn to leave him for the person that had taken everything away from her. 

At this point the young man felt as if his stock had dropped—as would any other man who found himself in a similar situation.  They might end up covering it up by smutting around town, but the root of the problem comes from them feeling less worthy than they did prior to this experience.  Most people think this is a female trait, but ninjas also feel as if their stock drops when an ex messing is with someone they deem unworthy;  because in every man’s eye, he is the greatest thing to ever happen to any woman he has dealt with.

My advice to all my ninjas out there is to be sure to remember that there are too many women out here for you to get stuck in feeling as if your stock has dropped.  Go on Facebook, laugh at the pictures of the new bum ninja, then go out to happy hour and find you a single lawyer or teacher.  Trust me there are enough women out there ready and willing to help bring your stock back up.

K

Cheating?! There's An App for That!!

Situation:

As Cuffin Season approaches, many men and women are starting to receive the subtle signs of sexual interests from jawns around the world. For many of us in a relationship, this is the time when cheating becomes rampant! But what actually constitutes cheating in this new age of texting, Twitter, and Facebook? FDLF is here to dissect.



What are you doing over there?



He Says:

In this new age of folk being overly sensitive, it is definitely time for us to reevaluate what constitutes cheating versus innocent friendliness.  Being in a relationship, I have a good perspective on what I would consider cheating and what should be brushed under the rug.  A lot of times people get all up in arms over simple, harmless communication.  Since I am a man with a ridiculous amount of female friends, sticky situations where technology disrupts the peace definitely occur.   So to that end, let me put the guidelines down on paper for all of you who can’t tell the difference between cheating and not cheating in the age of Twitter and Facebook. 

1. If I get a DM, email, picture, or text from someone, and I didn’t ask for it---that is not cheating!  This should be a pretty simple inclination, but a lot of people fail to realize this.  If a sexy, big breasted woman decides that she randomly wants to show me the size of her areola---that doesn’t mean I am cheating on you.  And just like I can’t control a woman sending the visual of her jugs, I also can’t control  a woman sending me a text telling me she loves me, wants to marry me, or wants to bear my children.  Some women are very vocal and opinionated about what they want.  I would never ask a woman to tell me all those things because that would just be incriminating and well, stupid.  Bottom line: if you didn’t ask for the information, it isn’t cheating. 

2.  Just because I may be calling, g-chatting or texting the same person on a regular basis---it doesn’t mean I’m cheating.  If this was the case, the whole world would think A was my other woman.  Women shouldn’t assume their partner is cheating based solely on volume of communication.  And you all might disagree---but I am just keeping it real from my perspective.  Just because I’m talking to someone throughout most of my work day doesn’t mean I'm smashing them at the Motel 6 when I leave out. Quite simply, it means I want something to do at work other than just work. Besides human communication is good for the soul!  Leave it at that and you shouldn’t have any problems. 

3.  “That was just some head---and head don't count right??”  My man Andre 3000 asked a very important question a few years back.  Does head constitute cheating??  Realistically, most people have no emotions when it comes to getting head from a jawn.  It’s kind of like masturbating---but it just happens that someone else is doing the work for you.  Honestly though---if you aren’t getting the nuts from the one you love, there may be a deeper conversation you need to have; because if you’re moanin’ from another ninja’s head game, then yes you are cheating. 

I want to be clear---a lot of these issues can be solved with simple communication.  It comes down to the principle of being honest with your partner.  Don't go behind your partner’s back and “investigate” things, then get mad if you find something that you have no understanding of; ultimately you put yourself and them in an awkward position.  And don't get all upset just because your boo is chatting it up with another jawn.  Feel free to communicate with people from the opposite sex, because at the end of the day that will only help your sanity.  And as long as he or she isn’t smashing and dashing, then you have no reason not to keep it peaceful.

K

She Says:       

I’m not completely sure what to say on the topic of digital cheating, since I am not in a relationship. I do not have to deal with this issue-- unless I am the other woman which, to my knowledge, I have never been (thank God!). Hopefully I can keep my track record clean in that particular area.

With that said, and given past blog topics, you guys know that I firmly believe that any information about someone that is on the internet is fair game for exploration for dating purposes. My motto is “any information about you found on the internet can and shall be used against you”. This especially applies to information found on social media sites—particularly incriminating information and proof of infidelity.

So often now-a-days you hear people say, “Facebook ruins lives”. But let’s be honest: Facebook didn’t ruin your life, it’s just that got you caught all the way up via Facebook. And Facebook isn’t the only destination for digital cheating, so all the blame can’t be placed on that one site – there is also Twitter, Gchat, text, Skype, and even MySpace. Yes, MySpace! It’s practically dead on that site but a male friend told me that’s why it’s great to hook up with people there; because no one thinks it is still in use. That made me chuckle.

But I digress. In my opinion, digital cheating is no different than cheating in person; it’s all about the person’s intent. In fact, it would seem that digital cheating has become the modern day gateway to “live” cheating; a” test the waters” situation, if you will. “Let me see if so and so really digs me at all and we can see where it goes from there”. I don’t care if you smashed another chick, sent a heaux an unrequested d*ck pic, or spent every night on Skype with your jumpoff after I had gone to bed--cheating is cheating. Just because the affair happened via a technological device doesn’t mean the trust of the relationship wasn’t damaged or that the shit hurt any less.

What are your thoughts? If your partner cheated on you via Facebook would you leave or would you stay? Have you cheated using technology? Talk to me!

A

Is He Ready for a Relationship?!

Situation:
When a woman has decided she wants to be in a relationship, she begins to target it with laser point focus. Yet, often times while she is dating, she’ll fail to pay attention to certain signs from her suitors that clearly caution that perhaps this person is not in the same place she’s in. Let’s examine some of these signs:

Stop wasting countless nights wondering if he is ready! Let FDLF help!

She Says:
Let’s face it: not everyone dates with the intention of getting into a committed relationship. And that’s okay—as long as both people are on the same page. Issues occur when one person (usually the woman) wants a monogamous relationship, while the other party (usually the male) wants to continue to see several people. There are some key ways to tell that a man is not ready for a relationship. He is not ready to commit—at least not to you--if:


1. He lies – Should you over hear the guy you’re dating lie to anyone—whether it’s his boss, his grandmother, his homeboy or his little sister: run! It doesn’t matter how small or how big the lie. If he tells lies in any aspect of his life—especially important areas like his job; he will lie to you too (if he hasn’t already). One of the keys to a successful partnership is honesty so you want to be sure you’re with someone who can be open.


2. He asks “What is your fantasy?” – Yes, many couples do eventually have this conversation, and it’s perfectly healthy—after their commitment is solid, and they have already experimented and are now looking for additional ways to add spice to the relationship. If a man starts to inquire about your fantasies within the first few weeks of dating, or prior to committing to you—he is not looking for a relationship; he is looking to have fun, and feeling you out to find out just how far he can get you to go. Don’t fall for it. And don’t let him get anything on video. Just saying.


3.  He makes excuses for or flat out says “no” to family gatherings, work events or social gatherings with your closest friends - He doesn't want to attend, because he doesn’t want to give the wrong idea about his allegiance to you to any of the important people in your life. Ironically in this case, he’s doing you a favor; his not attending will save you from being embarrassed for not realizing what becomes immediately and glaringly obvious to everyone else, and from having the awkward “what happened to so and so?” conversation later on.


4. He does anything other than CALL you to acknowledge your birthday and other holidays - A man who values you and sees you as relationship potential will properly acknowledge occasions that are special to you. He will not tweet, text, FB or bbm you (especially not including you in a broadcast bbm message! Getting one of these on a holiday means your level of importance to him is about on par with that of his old college professor whose number he never deleted out of his phone.) If you are important to him, he will call. Period. Anything additional will be a bonus and show that he continued to think about you.


5. He fails to do anything with you for your birthday or the holidays - Even if there's no gift exchange, he will give you his time if you are important to him. Even if holidays are not a big deal to him, he will extend himself for you. 


6. He talks about making a date, but never makes one - If he consistently sends messages that he wants to see you and is going to make a date--but never actually does, he is trying to keep you hanging on. This is in case he decides he does want to see you or sleep with you in the future (whenever he's not with whatever other women he's seeing). His desire is to make sure you remain open to it. It's kind of like sticking your foot in the front door right before you leave your apartment, just to make sure there isn't anything else inside that you want or need before the door locks behind you and you can't just walk right back in. There’s less effort that way, right?


7. You’ve been to his home several times and never seen the entire place - If you have been to a man’s home and only seen the kitchen, bathroom and his bedroom (unless he lives in a studio or a one-bedroom), you may not have a future with him. It seems like such a small thing, but a man who is interested in pursuing a relationship with you will include you in the little things too. He'll give you a tour of his home because (1) it’s the polite thing to do when you have a guest—so if he’s already thrown common courtesies out the window, well… (2) he wants you to know what he's all about or (3) he wants you to be impressed by the smell of rich mahogany and his many leather-bound books. Whatever the reason, if you’re getting escorted from the front door to the bedroom and back to the sidewalk, with maybe a glass of water in-between; I think you know what kind of situation you’ve got on your hands.

These are general signs, and by no means is it an exhaustive list; there will always be other idiosyncrasies that are unique to the personality of the individual. So it is no longer enough to just beware of him only calling or texting you during "booty call" hours; serial daters have learned to use more subtle tactics to keep you around for as long as possible without giving you what you want. There are also exceptions to every rule; it's just important to pay attention to everything the man you're dating is doing and saying to be sure those things are aligned with each other--and in line with what you want to result from your interaction with him. The bottom line though, is that if a man wants a relationship with you, he will make it crystal clear. If you’re not sure, ask. If you’re still unclear--buy a shiny new lip gloss, hit the gym or visit the nail salon; do whatever you need to do to look and feel your best so you can move on to snag another potential bf.


KJ


KJ pens fashion, beauty and lifestyle articles on her personal blog, Chic Mommy, Cool Kid; and co-authors a women’s empowerment blog, Peace Love and Pretty Things. She is also our fabulous editor here at Friends Don't Let Friends.

Get Ready, It's Almost Cuffin' Season!!!!!!

Situation:

The time has come for singles everywhere who are looking for a winter boo thang to start scouting because it’s almost CUFFIN SEASON: the time of year when there are only a few more weeks left of summer, and those looking to have a bedmate for the winter months start to get to work!



Let's Twork it Out!



He Says:

It’s that time of year. You know—the time of year when it’s not hot outside anymore and all the skeezers start putting most of their clothes back on.  It’s the time of the year we call ‘Cuffin Season’.  Men and women, young and old, begin to search for that partner that will keep their time occupied during the cold nights when they are not trying to go out to the club and pick up jawns.  The days of cookouts, rooftop parties at the W, and sporadic trips to Miami are now coming to an end.  It is time to prep yourself for when jump-offs turn to boo’s and  baby making season begins.  Even the most independent man or woman might participate in Cuffin Season.  It just takes hold of you and causes you to make some very rash, impromptu decisions that the summer time heat would have kept you from making.

It all stems from a single premise---black people hate the cold.  Ninety-five percent of negroes only go on ski trips to get drunk and smash.  So when it starts to get cold, ninjas look for a snuggle buddy to get them through the colder months.  I can relate because in the past, I have spent a few summers prepping for the winter months in this same manner. 

Winter is when the thirstiest of jawns come out of the woodwork because they’ve been left out of the summer lineups.  You see, most ninjas build up their clientele in the summer months, to see which jawn will give them the most financial and sexual perks in the winter months.   And this is men and women alike.  Let’s not forget, Cuffin Season does encompass some gift giving holidays. Cold weather can make the worst negro seem like the hottest thing on the block--as long as they got something to give you under the sheets or under the tree. 

Nevertheless, please remember, all these young men and women you will call your Boo over the next few months will probably not be around for the summer of 2012.  These seasons are in constant rotation.  So when it’s cold and you are sitting up under those sheets, make sure to remember that this may not be permanent.  I am tired of seeing all these Bebe’s kids get created from Cuffin Season cave sex.  Just ‘cause its cold and he or she says they loves you---doesn’t mean that it’s time to procreate.  Take joy in the warm bodies during the months of coldness, but people let’s be smart.  Wrap it up and remember that the summer will be here soon enough.  Before you know it, you will be back in Miami, or at Kappa or Que conclave picking up the next round of jump-offs.  In the words of the famous Eric Williams---”Ya Dig!”

K

She Says: 

As much as I don’t want to, it is almost time to say ‘adios’ to summer 2011 and usher in the next season. No, no! Not fall, but Cuffin Season! That’s right ladies and gents, the time of year is coming where people are on the prowl to see which man and/or woman will make their way out of the hot dog line from the cookout to the satin sheets of their beds.

Within the next few weeks, you’ll notice that most singles begin to look for a “special” someone who will help take of the chill off winter!!! I personally have a lot of single friends out there, who are starting the official hunt for Cuffin Season. I feel like it is my duty to help us single ladies out with a few tips on picking a suitable winter boo.  It is imperative not to lose sight of some important factors that will come in handy during those cold winter months.

1. He Ain’t Ya Man!  -- Ladies, if your interaction with this person will occur mainly between Labor Day and let’s say….around President’s Day--maybe even St. Patrick’s day--then he isn’t your man. He’s just a f*ck buddy.

2. He Must Have Good D*ck Game – This is a must ladies! The d*ck must be tested prior to the unofficial start of Cuffin Season. This still gives you time to find a suitable replacement. I mean, how incredibly wack would it be to wait until October 15th to sleep with your new friend, only to find out that the d*ck game is WEAK! TRAGEDY! *Nicki Minaj voice* It’s gone be a long winter boo boo!

3. Be Sure He Can Shovel – You are probably reading this like: “Shovel, A? Really?” Trust me, it makes sense. In Bmore last year, we had two blizzards in one week. Let’s just say that if you invite your new piece over before the storm, you have someone to shovel the snow -- because he has to be able to get himself out in order to go home. Am I right or am I right?

4. Keep Ya Purse in Ya Sight – Don’t laugh! You think that because you invite this person into your home to have sex with you that he won’t steal from you! WRONG WRONG! Ladies, the Maryland Judiciary Case Search site (or your respective state’s court search, and this page should be bookmarked if you are dating) is your best friend, check them out before you invite them into your home. Identity theft, stolen wallets, and missing debit cards are not cool around Christmas time!

Hopefully these tips get you off to the right start in your selection process. If you have more tips for those in the hunt, leave a comment. In the meantime, still flirt; drop it like it’s hot at every all white party, rooftop party, or cookout you attend. Happy Hunting!!!!!!!

A

C'mon Man, Put Ya D*ck Away!

Situation:

Any woman reading this post will be able to relate. It has happened to all women who have the ability to receive picture mail on their phones -- D*ck Pics!!! What makes the matter worse is that they are always unrequested! FDLF feels it is time to lay down the law on D*ck Pic Etiquette!

Yea, pretty much...that's the normal reaction!

She Says:

Fellas, what the f*ck is up with this ish right here?! Let me first explain that women are not visual creatures like men. We cannot just simply look at a picture and get instantly turned on. D*ck pics elicit one of the following reactions from women: laughter, feeling unimpressed, thinking “ugh”, and on a rare occasion -- DAMN!  However, the fact still remains that an unrequested d*ck pic is not sexy and is a slightly gross turn off.   

In addition to the rudeness of an unrequested d*ck pic, the quality of the pictures is usually downright disrespectful as well. If you are going to send one, make sure it’s a quality, flattering shot of your d*ck! There is an art to taking a good d*ck pic. Here are some tips:

1. Do some penis landscaping. Clean up the area down there. Not only does it look neater, it can make your penis look bigger! When a woman receives a d*ck pic with a damn forest in it, the first thing she thinks about is hair getting caught in her teeth or throat! GROSS!

2. Make sure it is hard!  WTF are we gonna do with flaccid penises?! -__-

3. Angles my friend--it is all about angles. Practice taking the picture at various angles, to find one that displays your member in the best possible way.

4. If you are unsure about your size, zoom might be a good friend for you. It would help to decrease your chances of having the person laugh when receiving the pic.

5. Make sure the sh*t is clean! You would think that this is understood, but some men are just nasty! lol

So if that seems like too much work, it probably is! The moral of the story is....stop sending unrequested d*ck pics!!!! JUST STOP!

A

He Says:  

I have realized that a lot of you ninjas out here are shooting pics on a regular basis.  Not only is that shocking as hell, but it’s damn disturbing.  I swear, chicks are talking every day about how some man that they don't want sent them a cruddy ass picture showing off his phallus.  I am not knocking the hustle, and think you should get in where you fit in---but this stuff has gotta cease.  I am not disturbed with the fact that they are being sent---I am disturbed by the fact that you ninjas are sending out these pictures without them having been requested!  As a man, I will at least wait for a request to come in before I send out a picture of my sh*t.  Most likely I will tell these jawns to “go to hell”, but at least I am being asked for it and not just shooting for fun.  Maybe it’s just my opinion, but if that lady actually wanted to smash you---she would be seeing the real thing and not the picture 

I honestly think that some of these cats completely forget that we live in 2011.  These cats must want to end up being Brett Favre’d.  I ain’t trusting no jawn with a picture of myself.  Most of you cats aren’t sending pics to your wife or girlfriend---you sending them to random jawns number 1-17.  Now when jawn number 6 finds out you smashing her line sister---you will end up exposed World Star Hip Hop style on your local Delta list serve.

While the stories I hear about you negroes doing this shat sound like a fail to me, for you gentleman that decide you want to be the Darius Lovehall of sex pics, I want to give you a few tidbits that might help you in your future endeavors. 

1. Please please don't hit these ladies with the picture of you in the bathroom mirror trying to flex on these heaux.  You are incriminating yourself right there. Trust me, she will be sitting at home laughing at your ass—especially at the dumb ass face you decided to make in the mirror.  Sorry sir, she didn’t ask you for anything---so don't make it any worse. 

2. For all you Baltimore, DC, and Philly cats struggling with that little problem we like to call STDs---I would like to advise you to keep the phallus put away.  I don't think no grown woman is turned on by the sight, Brother. 

3. Finally, and bluntly---if you have nothing to show, just don't show it.  If you are proud of your non-existence, then more power to you.  But I would advise you to keep it to yourself.  Maybe then you might at least get a chance to smash once in the dark. 

At the end of the day, if you think that sending a pic of your dick is getting you the yams---then albeit do you!  But I can tell you, on average, your chances of smashing go down if you sending random jawns these random ass pictures---because most of them don't want them! 

K

How Soon is Too Soon? Part 2

She Says:

K is on "vacay" aka he's been slacking on the writing game lol! He'll be back don't you guys worry. However, today we have a guest blogger, our good friend WD!!

LOL!

He Says:
Let me start by saying that I am in no way the caliber of writer as A or K, however; what I lack in artistic expression I make up for in sheer honesty and sincerity.

Now, to the topic at hand: too many people believe there is some mathematical equation that determines when a woman should make the decision to sleep with a man, i.e. y=mx+b (where x = time you’ve know him, m= how he treats you and b = how you met or some variation of this formula). I believe this ideology to be false on the premise that every situation is different and no one matrix or equation can predict when it is the perfect time for a man and woman to have sex. This is a very complex question, without a simple right or wrong answer; in fact there are several billion people in the world and I am willing to bet every one of them could come up with a unique reason and name an appropriate time frame for sleeping with someone. Rather than offer a one-sided narrative of this situation I would like to present like Jamie and Adam of Mythbusters and secretly expose you to some of my “cold hard facts” about the “sexframe” (time frame it takes to have sex):

1.      From the day a man meets you and gets your information he is testing you to see how quickly you will sleep with him. Yes there are exceptions to every rule, but in the same manner that women test men, men do the same; this is just another one of the games we so frequently like to play.

2.      One night stands are (for the most part) a myth, since someone is going to call the other --no longer allowing it to be a one night stand in its purest form, meaning  just one night. Too many people place sex on the first night on their despised list but the truth of the matter is, it happens (so some of you ladies are lying when you say “Nuh uh I’d never do that”). One night stands shouldn’t be considered the red-headed step child of the dating game, yet I would strongly urge against them if you don’t have the strength to deal with the emotional ramifications—both good and bad--that could result.

3.      To the point of #2, having sex quickly doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get the cold shoulder quickly. Sex on the first night can definitely lead to longer, somewhat fulfilling relationships, just not to marriage! If you have sex on the first night, no matter how fun it was, you probably aren’t the one for that particular guy. You are probably a great woman but there is one very simple reason you will never be his wife: most men are cocky and self-centered by nature; we all believe our game is tight, but we know it’s not that damn tight. If we got you into bed on the first night, chances are someone else has too--or someone else will in the future. This may or may not actually be the case, but either way, that’s what we are thinking. We can’t have that in the backs of our minds while we are walking down the aisle.

4.      If you are genuinely looking for a partner, the best time to have sex is not defined by any book, magazine or nosey friend; but instead by the time frame in which you truly believe the man has done enough to show you he genuinely cares about you. Please don’t put a time frame on this; for some it takes 2 weeks, for some it takes 2 months and for others it works after 75 text messages--every case is unique. Also please don’t feel bad if you get it wrong (most people do these days), but instead remember you can’t hit a homerun if you never swing. Additionally, many women make the critical error of comparing “lockout times” (amount of time they hold out from sex)! This is a mistake, because as I stated before all situations are different; just because T did it in 5 dates, 14 phone calls and 64 text messages doesn’t mean you have to or even that you should. (Sorry for the lame sports analogies but sports are my life.)

To wrap up, I’d like to thank A and K very much for allowing me to speak on their forum. To some this may be new information; to others this may all be a crock of S#%t. Either way, it’s just my honest opinion, which is what I promised!

WD

How Soon is Too Soon? Part 1

Situation:

No nice set up here – Is it possible to sleep with a man too soon? Let’s talk about it!

She Says:

How does one answer this question? I think it really depends on what you are truly comfortable with. Personally, I do not have a set time limit of 3 months, 2 days, or when the moon is in Aquarius -- I just do it when I feel comfortable. However, the fact is, once a girl starts dating, she is often told that the golden rule to dating is – “Don’t sleep with that man too soon!” Too soon is relative right?!

I once asked a dude if he formed an opinion about me after we hooked up, and he said that he did. He went on to say that he thought I was “a woman who knew what (I) wanted and liked, but was maybe not ready to settle down…” He continued with some other things that I will not share as I feel I sometimes share a little too much with my readers (though I know you guys appreciate it, LOL!). But my point here is that based off of that first time he had already assumed that I was not ready for marriage. Hmmm…okay!

In my opinion, men can be pseudo-hypocrites when it comes to the rules and judgments around sleeping with a woman.  Hear me out: what I mean, is that they do everything in their power to get you to sleep with them—courting you, giving you an oil change, helping you move boxes, talking on the phone, etc--then you finally sleep with them and it is deemed “too soon”; and all of the sudden your value plummets in their eyes.  Why is this?! Men make the assumption that because, for example, Bonquisha slept with them in whatever time frame she did, that she must obviously do this with every single man she encounters. So Bonquisha gets labeled “not marriage material” because she smashed too soon. What a load of bullshit! It stands to reason that not every man Bonquisha encounters is marriage material either--maybe he was simply meant to fill a certain void in her life at the moment, and all he was meant to be was penis meat—but this shouldn’t negate her own potential to be a good mate.

Nevertheless, this seems to continue to be an issue when you want to build a relationship with a guy. Dating right now is all a numbers game; there are so many more available women in the world, than there are available men. So maybe there is pressure for women to sleep with men quickly because of the fear that he could possible getting it from someone else. Often I hear the sentiment from women that they are feeling a guy but don’t want to lose his attention by making him wait for sex. Honestly, does making a guy wait create the perfect environment for a long-term relationship? I don’t think so!  So what’s a girl to do??

In my opinion, it shouldn’t matter! Throw all the stupid rules out the window and do what feels right to you.  If dude really likes you, it shouldn’t matter if y’all have sex for the first time on the 1st date or the 20th date. If dude has a problem, in the words of my late grandmother, “Momma had him, Momma f^ck him…”

A

P.S. 'He Says' is coming tomorrow and we have a treat for you guys! :)

House, Check! Job, Check! Man....

Situation:   Recently, A was in a conversation with someone who told her that she was not “marriage material” because she “does not need a man.” Needless to say this comment erupted into a whole argument. However, an unbridled curiosity has been peaked regarding whether or not men think women who are self sustaining don’t need them.

Yes...but I still need ya!

She Says:

Let me start by saying that when I was told that I was not “marriage material” it was like taking a punch to the gut. In that instant, I envisioned myself at 60 years old, with no husband or children; but instead with 30 cats (I abhor cats) in an empty house eating canned tuna. However, I quickly snapped out of it and thought, “Hold up Shawty, you don’t know me!” *in my best T.I voice*

When I asked the man why he deemed me unworthy to be married, he stated the following reasons: “You own your own home, you are working on your masters, you don’t need my money--you good…” His list continued with more stupid monetary and tangible items, and as he continued to ramble I began to realize that this guy is a dud anyway.

But yes, I do own my home and I will be graduating with my masters in December. Yes, I can pay my own car note and pay all my bills on time.  But tell me why that means I don’t need a man.  Yes, I can provide myself with food, clothing, and shelter – my basic needs in life—without the help of a man. But as adults, shouldn’t we all be able to take care of ourselves? Would you want to marry someone who could not take care of his or herself?

I finally interjected this young man to say that you don’t want someone who needs you to take care of them; you want someone who is dependent upon you for all of the intangible things that being in a partnership provides.  There is a difference. Women like to have men around for many reasons like the obvious things – shoveling snow, carrying the groceries in, fixing broken things in the house, etc. LOL.  Though it’s nice to have men to do these are things, I can (and do) handle them on my own. Needing a man is more than the physical and monetary benefits; it is also about companionship, connecting, encouragement, intimacy, love, partnership and support. It’s having someone to make you feel appreciated, respected, secure and special. It is—simply put—about needing real, unconditional love. 

Therefore, I can do everything for myself, but I am not going to want to do it alone forever. My self-sufficiency is not meant to be intimidating or challenging to men. And the simple fact remains:  I DO NEED A MAN!! 

*sings*  I can pay my own light bill baby, Pump my own gas in my own car, I can buy my own shoe collection, I've been blessed thus far, I can kill the spider above my bed, Although it's hard because I'm scared, I can even stain and polyurethane…And even though I can do all these things by my damn self, I need you, I do, I do, I do, I do… -Jill Scott
A

He Says:

It is very interesting to hear this question: should a woman actually need me?  As I ponder it, many things come to mind.  I would love for a person to feel as if I give them so much that it becomes a part of their being; that puts the onus on me to want to continue being the best man that I can be for the woman I am with.  But in actuality, I don't want a woman to need me for anything. I think that can be cause for overly emotional connections that can ultimately be unhealthy.  I appreciate the love that I receive from a woman and, at the end of the day, I want her to want the things that I bring to the table; but not necessarily need them.

I always thought that men who wanted a woman to “need” them had self esteem issues.  I don't want someone to rely on me to the point where I would have some type of control over them.  I know tons of men who want a woman to need them financially, sexually, and emotionally because they have a need to have someone locked onto them to make them feel a sense of power in their lives.  I NEVER really trusted dudes like this, and women---you shouldn’t either!   These ninjas out here brainwash women to believe that they can supply every one of their needs.  I'm sorry, but only baby Jesus can do that.  My sh*t never got hard when a woman needed me.  In retrospect, those were the women that I actually shied away from.      

You see, I’ve grown up with a momma that worked a full time finance job.  Had my pops slipped up, she would have been completely self-sufficient and ok to survive on her own. But the thing I appreciated about my parents’ relationship (and a lot of old school relationships), is that each partner was thankful for the tasks and talents that the other brought to the union.  There wasn’t a sense of “needing” one another, but it was a mutual understanding of the things each person brought to the table.  A relationship should not be one sided.  My dad cooked, ate, drank beer, slept, and cut the grass.  My mom, on the other hand, entertained, washed clothes, and effectively shopped every week for the whole house.  But if one person was not there, the other party would never have felt helpless because they were so dependent on their partner.  

When I walk down the aisle, I think it’s important that my wife talks to me about the things she would like to see me do.  I want to be the backbone for my wife and be the person that she can rely on for anything.  But, I don't want her to feel that she’d be completely helpless if I wasn’t in the picture.  I love a strong minded woman that has faith in her own ability to do any and everything without the help of a man.  To me, a self sufficient woman is the sexiest.  Be educated, be sexy, be financially stable, and bring all those great qualities to build a great relationship.   But no woman should ever need me, nor do I want her to, as I don't need a woman’s dependence in order to feel good about myself.  I appreciate, and have more respect for a woman who doesn’t need me—but wants me.

K

Deal Breakers in Diapers?!

Situation:  Every now and then we receive topic requests, and recently one in particular has kept coming up – DATING PEOPLE WITH KIDS!  *grabs fork and knife* We are ready to go in!

She Says:

*scratches forehead*

Let me first put my info out there: I do not have kids, nor do I want kids anytime soon for the following reasons: they suck money out of everything; I am not married; a kid would impose huge restrictions and cause a major loss of freedom during my 20s life; I am not married; they suck the money out of everything (I am aware that I’d already stated the last two—so you understand how strongly I feel about them).  Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to my thoughts!

Nowadays, it is extremely rare to find someone who is single and on the dating scene, yet does not have children. More often than not I am asked “How many kids do you have?” Though, I think the more appropriate question to be posed should be “Do you have any children?” There is an automatic assumption that everyone has kids, and that should not be assumed; it’s not true.  There are some single girls out there who are not baby mommas. Would I prefer to date a kid-less bachelor? OF COURSE!  However, am I strictly opposed to dating someone with kids? NO!

My preference to date men without children is rooted in the fact that there is one less layer to go through. I don’t want to have to deal with any complicated family situations or baby mommas. For example, I definitely could not see myself dating a man with three kids by five women. Frankly, it says to me that you are irresponsible in making your life choices--unless that was your goal all along and you will obviously still get a side eye from me. 

I once went on a date and I asked the gentleman if he had any kids. His response – “Yea I have two kids, but you don’t have to worry about them. I don’t see them on the regular.” O_O Excuse me sir, what did you just say? That response was so gut wrenching that it quickly canceled any chance he had with me. Gentlemen, it is not an acceptable dating technique to openly--and almost proudly--admit that you are a deadbeat dad. On the flip side, if you do have children and you are an amazing, loving father--that speaks very highly of your character, and should be a good sign for any woman who chooses to date you.

So, in a nutshell, from my point-of-view, having  one or more kids is not a deal breaker, but it is not a preference either…

A

He Says:

*scratches bald head*

A and I are best friends for a reason.  I am not interested in having kids either.  I love kids when I can give them back.  I want to get married, but I also want to be able to have a tad bit of freedom in my life.  Having a child would definitely put a roadblock in my financial and social freedom.

With that being said, I think I would be open to dating someone with a child.  But I would be so restrictive about everything that it may not make sense to even waste the woman’s time.  I am very picky to begin with.  Having a child will cause me to be even more anal about any and everything that this jawn would have going on in her life.  Unfortunately, in this day, when you meet a single woman there is a good chance that she has a child or children.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking any young lady out there who has a child, but there would have to be some ground rules set before I freely date you (smashing is a different story right?)

For me there are some things that allow a woman with kids to get the deuces.  First, ladies do not allow your children to ruin your life to the point that you lose your sexiness.  I was once being entertained by an older lady that had a little 3 year old son.  The kid was a cute little terror to say the least.  Also, ladies, if you are trying to keep a man in your life, don’t invite him to your house if you can’t keep your ish clean.  I never want to walk into someone’s house and have to trip over toys and step over dirty tightey whiteys.  At the end of the day, your child should be a reflection of you---not vice versa.  I don’t want to deal with a woman that can’t control their child.  If you can’t handle your child you can’t handle yourself.  That’s my thought and I’m sticking to it.

Secondly, ladies if you have not fully separated yourself emotionally and sexually from the father of your child, don't bring that junk up in here.  I'm not really interested in dealing with your drama, your kid’s drama, and some other man’s drama.  Most women end up smashing the father of their child even after they have finished dealing with each other.  I know a woman who still smashes her “baby daddy”.  Problem is, the child is now 25 and she has been married for 19 years.  Like really jawn, at some point you got to give it up!  Being emotionally tied to a child is one thing; but being emotionally tied to the situation that created that child is unacceptable in my book. 

For me, if I have a choice I am not going to go and seek a woman with a child.  And unfortunately, if you have a child, most men are going to smash you and never look to move the relationship to the next level.  (Thought to self: if I am ever out on the dating scene, I’ll stick to the cougars.  They got a little extra money saved up and their kids have hopefully already finished college.  That way, I don't have to worry about the extra drama from the child and I can get all the yams I want!)           

K