Get Ready, It's Almost Cuffin' Season!!!!!!

Situation:

The time has come for singles everywhere who are looking for a winter boo thang to start scouting because it’s almost CUFFIN SEASON: the time of year when there are only a few more weeks left of summer, and those looking to have a bedmate for the winter months start to get to work!



Let's Twork it Out!



He Says:

It’s that time of year. You know—the time of year when it’s not hot outside anymore and all the skeezers start putting most of their clothes back on.  It’s the time of the year we call ‘Cuffin Season’.  Men and women, young and old, begin to search for that partner that will keep their time occupied during the cold nights when they are not trying to go out to the club and pick up jawns.  The days of cookouts, rooftop parties at the W, and sporadic trips to Miami are now coming to an end.  It is time to prep yourself for when jump-offs turn to boo’s and  baby making season begins.  Even the most independent man or woman might participate in Cuffin Season.  It just takes hold of you and causes you to make some very rash, impromptu decisions that the summer time heat would have kept you from making.

It all stems from a single premise---black people hate the cold.  Ninety-five percent of negroes only go on ski trips to get drunk and smash.  So when it starts to get cold, ninjas look for a snuggle buddy to get them through the colder months.  I can relate because in the past, I have spent a few summers prepping for the winter months in this same manner. 

Winter is when the thirstiest of jawns come out of the woodwork because they’ve been left out of the summer lineups.  You see, most ninjas build up their clientele in the summer months, to see which jawn will give them the most financial and sexual perks in the winter months.   And this is men and women alike.  Let’s not forget, Cuffin Season does encompass some gift giving holidays. Cold weather can make the worst negro seem like the hottest thing on the block--as long as they got something to give you under the sheets or under the tree. 

Nevertheless, please remember, all these young men and women you will call your Boo over the next few months will probably not be around for the summer of 2012.  These seasons are in constant rotation.  So when it’s cold and you are sitting up under those sheets, make sure to remember that this may not be permanent.  I am tired of seeing all these Bebe’s kids get created from Cuffin Season cave sex.  Just ‘cause its cold and he or she says they loves you---doesn’t mean that it’s time to procreate.  Take joy in the warm bodies during the months of coldness, but people let’s be smart.  Wrap it up and remember that the summer will be here soon enough.  Before you know it, you will be back in Miami, or at Kappa or Que conclave picking up the next round of jump-offs.  In the words of the famous Eric Williams---”Ya Dig!”

K

She Says: 

As much as I don’t want to, it is almost time to say ‘adios’ to summer 2011 and usher in the next season. No, no! Not fall, but Cuffin Season! That’s right ladies and gents, the time of year is coming where people are on the prowl to see which man and/or woman will make their way out of the hot dog line from the cookout to the satin sheets of their beds.

Within the next few weeks, you’ll notice that most singles begin to look for a “special” someone who will help take of the chill off winter!!! I personally have a lot of single friends out there, who are starting the official hunt for Cuffin Season. I feel like it is my duty to help us single ladies out with a few tips on picking a suitable winter boo.  It is imperative not to lose sight of some important factors that will come in handy during those cold winter months.

1. He Ain’t Ya Man!  -- Ladies, if your interaction with this person will occur mainly between Labor Day and let’s say….around President’s Day--maybe even St. Patrick’s day--then he isn’t your man. He’s just a f*ck buddy.

2. He Must Have Good D*ck Game – This is a must ladies! The d*ck must be tested prior to the unofficial start of Cuffin Season. This still gives you time to find a suitable replacement. I mean, how incredibly wack would it be to wait until October 15th to sleep with your new friend, only to find out that the d*ck game is WEAK! TRAGEDY! *Nicki Minaj voice* It’s gone be a long winter boo boo!

3. Be Sure He Can Shovel – You are probably reading this like: “Shovel, A? Really?” Trust me, it makes sense. In Bmore last year, we had two blizzards in one week. Let’s just say that if you invite your new piece over before the storm, you have someone to shovel the snow -- because he has to be able to get himself out in order to go home. Am I right or am I right?

4. Keep Ya Purse in Ya Sight – Don’t laugh! You think that because you invite this person into your home to have sex with you that he won’t steal from you! WRONG WRONG! Ladies, the Maryland Judiciary Case Search site (or your respective state’s court search, and this page should be bookmarked if you are dating) is your best friend, check them out before you invite them into your home. Identity theft, stolen wallets, and missing debit cards are not cool around Christmas time!

Hopefully these tips get you off to the right start in your selection process. If you have more tips for those in the hunt, leave a comment. In the meantime, still flirt; drop it like it’s hot at every all white party, rooftop party, or cookout you attend. Happy Hunting!!!!!!!

A

Get Ya Ass Out of the Trash!

Situation:

We are both at a loss at how to frame this situation, so we will simply label it a CAUTIONARY post for all of the single ladies. Avoid these men at all costs! You deserve better! :) 

Talk to the hand!

 

She Says:

A few of our female readers felt that we had been going pretty hard on the women in recent posts. I thought perhaps they could be right, and welcomed this chance to call out triflin’ ass men! Here is my list of “ain’t about nothing men”. Enjoy!

Mr. Perpetually Broke – Let me distinguish this guy from the man who came up on hard times due to the recession and lacks money for necessities. Mr. Perpetually Broke is quite different. He claims to never have any money, but always has the newest Jordans. He claims to never have any money but somehow is always poppin’ bottles in the club. He needs to learn the word “PRIORITIES!”

Mr. Sponge – Drop Mr. Sponge into any situation and he will suck it dry. He preys on the insecurities and desperation of women to get all of his desires fulfilled. Should he need a new watch, he calls Wanda. Should he need $200, he calls Sharon. You get the point.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf – Every time you turn around there is drama with this guy. With every phone call or text you just know that he will be recounting another sad story. “Oh Baby, I’ve been shot.” “Baby, my mans n ‘em got beef and I gotta go handle that.” There is literally always some catastrophic, earth-shifting event occurring in this man’s life. His way of life is entirely too draining to comprehend, or support. NEXT!

Mr. ‘I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me’ - …and I have no privacy! (Related sidebar, I will never understand how the late great MJ ended up singing background for Rockwell. But I digress.  RIP MJ!) Anyhoo, you have all met the guy who keeps such good tabs on you that he should be your assistant, and managing your calendar. It is one thing to show interest in what I am doing, but it is quite another to be completely creepy and possessive about it.  Showing up unexpectedly at my doctor’s office, home, place of employment, place of worship--or anywhere that I didn’t tell you to meet me--will quickly get you on restraining order status.

The Self-Proclaimed Beast in the Bedroom – He is one of THE worst offenders. We have all met the guy who brags about how he’s gonna beat it up, lay it down, flip ya sideways, make ya momma sing, and have you crying at the feet of Jesus. Then the magical moment arrives, and you find it is over before you can get your panties off. You go back home trying to convince yourself that bad sex doesn’t really count against your “magic number”. Fellas, do yourself a favor: don’t write a check that ya Johnson can’t cash.

Mr. Willfully Unemployed – Again, this is not directed as those men affected by the economy. This is directed at those men who always have a hustle, each lasting for three months or less before they are on to the next thing. How is it that you flip houses, but you are listed on the Maryland Judiciary Case Search site with four foreclosures in your name? Please do explain how you own or manage a pre-owned car lot, yet you don’t have even a bicycle of your own. Sir, I suggest you visit Indeed.com and find a J-O-B!

Mr. ‘What Had Happened Was…’ – Ladies, have you ever talked to a guy, had him set up plans to go out,  then you don’t hear from him for a week? Eventually he’ll call or text you with some excuse, apologize profusely, and set up a new date. Then you’ll discover there was no point in his setting the new date because a week later he calls with another tired excuse. Mr. ‘What Had Happened Was…’ please go that way!!!

The Consummate Baby Daddy -- This man has 5 kids with 3.5 women. Do I even need to explain why you should run the other way? No, it isn’t because children suck the life and money out of everything; it is because this man fails to practice safe sex. He consistently has unprotected sex with multiple women that results in childbirth, yet never seems to learn his lesson. Oy vey!

A

He Says:

Since most of my friends happen to be female, I hear story after story about how ninjas aren’t sh*t, and how women are tired of men that can’t fulfill their most simple of desires. Unfortunately, I can’t give a personal account of why this is because I am not a brother who falls into that demographic. I find that most women want to ultimately get a nut, and to feel loved (with the exception of A---who needs gifts as well); yet, a lot of ninjas can’t even fulfill those fundamental needs. In my opinion, it’s about time that women come up with a solution to this issue instead of complaining about it. So I present to you my personal solution on their behalf.

Most people want to crucify me when I tell them this, but it’s time for Black women to start dating White men!   To clarify, I don’t mean the relationship where the hood Black woman dates the faux hood White man that looks like Paul Wall. I am speaking to the instance where a professional Black woman seeks a professional White man, as opposed to another “ain’t sh*t ninja” like those mentioned above.

Unfortunately ladies, the numbers don’t lie. There is a large faction of Black men who ain’t sh*t and the ones that have positive things going for them are either taken or gay. To be honest, I don’t knock you for looking for love with a Black man; Black love is a beautiful thing. But I’m frustrated with continuously seeing Black women give their love to undeserving ninjas only to have it backfire. So my position on the subject is one for progressive change.

One of my best friends consistently spews crap about being terrified of “the pink penis”. But I will pose the question here that I often ask her: Would you rather have a Black dude with no interest in progressing educationally, professionally, or spiritually? Or would you rather have someone that will love you and give you consistent sex—despite having a lighter pigmented penis? I’m just asking.

Though my opinion may not be the popular one, I believe that at the end of the day Black women deserve happiness. And if Black men aren’t giving you what you need, you may want to explore... um, pinker pastures--and that young White man who may be more deserving of your love.

K

So You Just Realized You Are the Side Chick

Situation:
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and you were hoping to spend the evening in the most romantic, blissful place with your man, boo, or whoever. Instead it was 10pm and you were sitting alone at home watching TV without a call, text, email, or smoke signal from your “love.”
 

She Says:
Let me preface this by saying that Valentine’s Day is not a fav holiday of mine, but I am not a bitter single girl about it either. If you care to know my personal thoughts on the day, then click here to read. Now let’s get to the matter at hand!

Awww, you poor dummy thing! You thought you were going to spend Valentine’s Day with your “man,” but instead you were sitting at home by yourself.  This is the biggest red flag ever!!! If you are not spending your special day with the man you love, like, or want to be with--it is because he is most likely spending it with someone else, or it’s quite possible that he just did not want to spend the day with you. He is probably doing all the things you wanted to do with the woman that he really loves. I don’t mean to be so blunt but some women just need to hear it. So when he calls you sometime late tonight (but let’s be real—he is more likely to text you) don’t fall for his words. Take heed to the lesson that you learned last night. You were sitting there alone and angry, with your face beat to death, titties sitting up high, fancy underwear on and smelling of your new Rhi Rhi perfume.  While that’s great and all, please remember: YOU WERE ALONE.  Let’s recapture that feeling you had at 11:07pm when you gave up hope of spending Valentine’s Day with your boo…DON’T RESPOND TO THE TEXT! On to the next one, well unless you are okay with being the side chick, then do you!

A

He Says:
I feel bad for the women who think they are a priority, when they are really just a “jawn”.  A lot of women, even though most will deny it, consider Valentine’s Day to be a more important holiday than Baby Jesus’ Birthday.  Even though this is a crazy way of thinking, it’s a consistent one on an annual basis for many women. Nevertheless, I believe there are two main ways for you to figure out whether or not you are number one in your man’s life.  He will express his plans for you as one of two personalities: I like to call them the “Day Before Lover” and the “Late Night Lover”. 

The “Day Before Lover” is quite smooth with his game. He tells you he has to work on Valentine ’s Day or that he makes dinner for his Mama every year on Valentine’s Day.  Regardless of the excuse, he will find a way to get out of spending time with you on the actual holiday.  You believe these lies because you don’t think that a man would spend any time with you on this day if you weren’t his number one;  oh contraire young lady---if you’ve bought his excuse, you have just been played.   If you live in the same state as your man, and he makes time for you on any day other than the actual day---quite frankly he is spending that day with his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend (don’t look confused like you didn’t know) and that person is his real number one.

The “Late Night Lover” is not trying to be smooth at all.  He is giving you every sign that you are a jump-off.  But you are so excited that you are getting some V-Day cuddy that you fail to take note of the fact that he is coming to your house at 11:30 at night.  C’MON Son!  I saw eight men in line last night at Walgreen’s buying up the last bit of nasty a$$ candy and singing teddy bears.  As with these others, your man has already taken his main woman out for a nice dinner at the Golden Corral, and now he is coming to get his fix from you---THE JAWN.  No man, unless he doesn’t get off work until 11:00 at night, is going to be satisfied with spending only the last half hour of Valentine’s Day with a woman he truly cares about. 

It is my hope that you are now clear on your relationship status: you are the jump-off (a.k.a. random jawn, the side piece, side chick, number two…you get the point).  You can now either accept your role proudly or move on; because your chances of being number one are slim to none. 

K