Situation:
Before you judge this post, please know it is not another of the many statistic-ridden horror stories you’ve seen in the media that waxes on about the plight of black women who can’t find love. This one is more personalized and will focus on our lovely AB. AB is a beautiful Black woman with a great job and a banging personality! So why is she still single? Is it that ninjas ain’t sh*t---or could AB be doing something to push eligible men away? It's time for us to attack this dilemma in signature FDLF fashion.
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| Lol!!! |
She Says:
I have been dreading this day…the day that KG would want me to address my “singleness.” I know that that he is going to go in on me. I can feel it in my bones! *deep sigh*
So, to the question: Why am I single? I probably ask myself this once a week, though usually for all the wrong reasons. At this moment, I would have to say that I really only want a boyfriend for consistent sex and gifts! Lol--hey at least I am honest. *shrugs* However, the real answer is that my singleness is probably a combination of my issues and the selection of men out there.
I’ll address my own issues first. I have major “daddy issues” that have, in turn, caused me to be extra hard on men, and quick to write people off when I feel wronged. It takes a lot for me to trust people and it’s extremely difficult for me to open up. To my credit, I have been doing a lot better in this area in the past year. But overall, my preference remains to be happy by myself, rather than dealing with nonsense in an unhappy relationship; I don’t have the patience for the latter.
Now to address the “ninjas ain’t sh*t” theory: I will not say that men aren’t sh*t. That is not true--though some come pretty damn close to proving the theory. It would seem, however, that many men are coming to the table with a mediocre ass hand of cards, and drawing women that have a damn Full House. And I think men can get overwhelmed by all of their options. Why settle down when you can date multiple eligible women at the same time? Men have the luxury of actually dating several people at once, where women are often left dating one only guy at a time. After all, it is a pure numbers game out here. In every major city there are far more eligible women than there are men.
Regarding my personal expectations, I don’t have extremely high ones. All I really ask is that you do what you say you are going to do, don’t beat on me, don’t cheat on me, don’t do drugs, don’t lie, don’t smoke, please don’t have kids (not a deal breaker though), and please don’t have a prison record or pending charges.
Is that too much to ask for?
A
He Says:
First I need to set the stage for this: AB is like my sister, so I feel like I can say anything about anything to her. We have that kind of relationship.
With that being said, AB is single because of AB! Nothing more, nothing less. AB has everything going for her, and pulls men on the regular. But AB has a couple of things inbred in her that are causing her to have an inability to fully commit. First of all, AB is too damn picky. I understand that women have the right to have a type for their dream man, but there comes a point where you can’t push away a man with potential—especially not based on one thing they’re missing, or have done wrong. Maybe my perspective is skewed as I’m on the outside looking in, but as a positive and intelligent (read: “good”) Black man, I have to be honest in pointing to this as a problem that I see with a lot of Black women. The mentality is that you “deserve” perfection (because that exists *insert sarcasm here*), when the reality is that in this day and age you need to be satisfied with a good man who has the potential to be great. Yet these are the men that unfortunately, both AB--and some of her single counterparts--push away.
I know that deep down, AB wants love. She wants the happiness and stability that come with having someone in her life that cares for her. Still, there’s a block buried somewhere inside of her that won’t let her allow someone to fully get “in”. She uses that cover that she only wants sex and gifts as a smokescreen for her deeper problem of not wanting to open up. Honestly, a lot of this has to do with her “Daddy” issues, but I believe that not being fully emotionally separated from her past long-term relationship also plays a part. AB invested a lot emotionally in said relationship--which was, quite frankly, the epitome of love, and an accurate picture of what emotional vulnerability between two people looks like. Though she was an absolutely great girlfriend, timing did not allow the relationship to last. AB was deep in love, and sometimes it takes a while to fall out of love; it sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.
AB has not come to the point where she will allow someone access to her core because of the fear of abandonment. It is always safer to close yourself up and build a surface level relationship with someone in the event that they are to leave you. AB has to realize that she won’t find fulfillment within herself, nor will another loving man come along, until she is able to trust again. That’s what it’s going to take for her to find the true happiness in a relationship that she wants---and definitely deserves.
P.S. Love you Sis!
K
She Says:
WOW! *looks around and slowly backs out of the room*
