Now That You're Uncuffed...

Situation: Cuffing season is slowly on its way out the door. Spring and summer will be here soon enough and everyone will be looking to have some fun. So here a few things to avoid that are major turn-offs to the opposite sex. Be sure to take heed and you too can smang everything in your town--safely of course!
She Says:
1. Lying – Ugh! There is nothing worse than a liar! I find it hard to believe that people still lie in relationships because it is so easy to get caught now-a-days; sadly though, they do. Thanks to my boys Sergey and Larry (the owners of Google--please tell me you knew that) it is super easy to find out basic information about someone. So don’t go telling me you don’t drink that good drank, yet when I look ya ass up on Maryland Judiciary Case Search, I see you have two DUI charges! #FAIL
2. Smoking – Do I need to elaborate on this one?! It’s gross! That’s all I have to say about that.
3. Having Dirty Nails – Sweet Jesus! Where do I start?! A man with consistently dirty nails is the biggest turn-off ever. Unless you work on cars, paint houses, or are a carpenter like Jesus himself, your nails need to be clean. For those who do work on cars, paint houses, or are carpenters like Jesus, then it is only acceptable between the hours of 8am-6pm. Otherwise, this is truly a sign that you don’t keep yourself up.
4. A General Lack of Ambition/Dedication – This should actually be number one on my list, because nothing grinds my gears more than men who lack ambition. This doesn’t even pertain solely to relationships, but to everything in your life. If you are not ambitious enough to want to do more, I implore you to stop complaining; your complacency is boring and unattractive.
5. BAD BREATH – It is one thing to have coffee breath or a little kick after eating your favorite Chipotle burrito, but to have chronic bad breath is a serious issue. There is no way on God’s beautiful green earth that you will attract anyone with breath smelling like old gym socks. I have heard that if you want to test the attractiveness of your breath you can lick the back of your hand and sniff it. Please don’t hold me to that, but every tip helps right?!


He Says:
1. Mistrust - Madame, not everything about me is your business. You have no reason to go through my cell phone, rummage through my pockets after work, or try to break into my email to see if I received topless pictures from my side piece (I kid I kid). There is a reason why we both have our own things. I’m not asking you for your iPhone password, so please don’t think you are getting mine. There is nothing worse than a woman that just won’t trust you. I don’t have anything to hide from you; but it’s never cute to go behind my back and try to play ‘The Negress Detective’.
2. Having a Nasty A** Weave - I have a deep-seeded hatred for women who don’t maintain their own hair. I have an even deeper hatred for women who put mops on their heads, and then fail to maintain those. These unkept sew-ins and lace fronts are just getting ridiculous. Now, if you have no problem maintaining the weave that makes you look like you ‘got Indian in your family’, and you can keep it fresh, by all means, do you. But for all the women out there who think they can just pile something on the top of their heads, roll right out of bed, then go and try and find the men of their dreams, a warning: you might find yourself pulling dudes that more closely resemble Tyrone Biggums.
3. Lack of Culinary Prowess - Let me preface this by saying: I’m a country food loving man. My Grandmomma, Momma and my all other female kin can throw down in the kitchen. I don’t need a woman to cook every meal of the day for me, but if you can’t do anything in the kitchen, you might want to go the other direction. I am willing to work with you and your non-cooking a**, but don’t tell me you have no interest in even learning how to cook. That’s a turnoff if you are trying to hold onto a man like me.
4. Lack of Self-Esteem - I think the ultimate turnoff is a woman who can’t believe in herself and her ability to be great. You should not need to hear compliments from me to make you feel like you are worth something. In the words of the famous poet Katt Williams, “Bi**h it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothaf’n' self!”
5. Having a Menthol Addiction - I don’t want to leave out of restaurant with you and hear you beating the hell out of a pack of cigs before we can even get all the way out of the door. I don’t want to kiss you, I don’t want to smell your breath and, well-- I just don’t want to be with you. Take your ‘2 pack of Newports a day’ smoking ass the other way.


So You Just Realized You Are the Side Chick

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and you were hoping to spend the evening in the most romantic, blissful place with your man, boo, or whoever. Instead it was 10pm and you were sitting alone at home watching TV without a call, text, email, or smoke signal from your “love.”

She Says:
Let me preface this by saying that Valentine’s Day is not a fav holiday of mine, but I am not a bitter single girl about it either. If you care to know my personal thoughts on the day, then click here to read. Now let’s get to the matter at hand!

Awww, you poor dummy thing! You thought you were going to spend Valentine’s Day with your “man,” but instead you were sitting at home by yourself.  This is the biggest red flag ever!!! If you are not spending your special day with the man you love, like, or want to be with--it is because he is most likely spending it with someone else, or it’s quite possible that he just did not want to spend the day with you. He is probably doing all the things you wanted to do with the woman that he really loves. I don’t mean to be so blunt but some women just need to hear it. So when he calls you sometime late tonight (but let’s be real—he is more likely to text you) don’t fall for his words. Take heed to the lesson that you learned last night. You were sitting there alone and angry, with your face beat to death, titties sitting up high, fancy underwear on and smelling of your new Rhi Rhi perfume.  While that’s great and all, please remember: YOU WERE ALONE.  Let’s recapture that feeling you had at 11:07pm when you gave up hope of spending Valentine’s Day with your boo…DON’T RESPOND TO THE TEXT! On to the next one, well unless you are okay with being the side chick, then do you!


He Says:
I feel bad for the women who think they are a priority, when they are really just a “jawn”.  A lot of women, even though most will deny it, consider Valentine’s Day to be a more important holiday than Baby Jesus’ Birthday.  Even though this is a crazy way of thinking, it’s a consistent one on an annual basis for many women. Nevertheless, I believe there are two main ways for you to figure out whether or not you are number one in your man’s life.  He will express his plans for you as one of two personalities: I like to call them the “Day Before Lover” and the “Late Night Lover”. 

The “Day Before Lover” is quite smooth with his game. He tells you he has to work on Valentine ’s Day or that he makes dinner for his Mama every year on Valentine’s Day.  Regardless of the excuse, he will find a way to get out of spending time with you on the actual holiday.  You believe these lies because you don’t think that a man would spend any time with you on this day if you weren’t his number one;  oh contraire young lady---if you’ve bought his excuse, you have just been played.   If you live in the same state as your man, and he makes time for you on any day other than the actual day---quite frankly he is spending that day with his wife, girlfriend or boyfriend (don’t look confused like you didn’t know) and that person is his real number one.

The “Late Night Lover” is not trying to be smooth at all.  He is giving you every sign that you are a jump-off.  But you are so excited that you are getting some V-Day cuddy that you fail to take note of the fact that he is coming to your house at 11:30 at night.  C’MON Son!  I saw eight men in line last night at Walgreen’s buying up the last bit of nasty a$$ candy and singing teddy bears.  As with these others, your man has already taken his main woman out for a nice dinner at the Golden Corral, and now he is coming to get his fix from you---THE JAWN.  No man, unless he doesn’t get off work until 11:00 at night, is going to be satisfied with spending only the last half hour of Valentine’s Day with a woman he truly cares about. 

It is my hope that you are now clear on your relationship status: you are the jump-off (a.k.a. random jawn, the side piece, side chick, number two…you get the point).  You can now either accept your role proudly or move on; because your chances of being number one are slim to none. 


Way to Disappoint: Grammy Edition

The culminating post of Music Week at Friends Don’t Let Friends was intended to be a witty, funny, and generally awesome recap of the 53rdAnnual Grammy Awards. However, this year’s Grammys was the biggest let down of 2011 thus far! Wait--that might not be true: the season premiere of The Game actually gets that award! Anyhow, at the last second this post had to be revamped given the blandness of the awards. Here you guys go, don’t blame us…

She Says:
The Recording Academy really ruined our blog post for you guys. How bad was that last night?!…I really had no idea who half of the winners were (shout out to KG for keeping in the loop, lol)!

Things I Liked:
1.  Rihanna – I love everything about her! Her hair, nails, style, etc…She looked hot! Who cares if she can’t sing!?
2.  Cee-Lo’s Performance – From the Muppets, to his outfit and Gwyneth Paltrow singing…what was not to love? The only thing that could have made it better would have been if he had dropped the f-bomb just once!
3.  Aretha’s Tribute – They did ReRe right. Christina made up for her Superbowl fiasco! The only bad things about the performance were Florence being in it at all and J-Hud’s hair!
5.  Raphael Saadiq – Did you not love him popping out of nowhere and playing the guitar during Mick Jagger’s set?!
Things I Loathed:
1.  The Beyonce Spotting – I did not see her on the red carpet. She didn’t present an award. She was nominated for that crappy song Halo again. But when the camera guys casually showed her in an audience pan, it broke my heart! It means my Beyonce vacation is over – LET THE OVEREXPOSURE BEGIN! *weeps*
2.   Sade – Can someone explain to me how Sade is a duo/group?!
3.   Usher – It is truly sad to watch the demise of Usher’s performance ability. Does he sing anymore while he performs? @cthagood said it best last night on twitter: “If somebody catches Usher’s breath before he does, please return it to him in his dressing room.”
4.   Fantasia Losing Best R&B Album – That was one of my fav albums of the year! I’m sad about this…
5.   Lady Gaga – I personally like the whole egg thing from a Marketing/PR point of view. However, I expected more from her hatching after her long incubation period. There was no slime, no blood…there was nothing! Womp!

He Says:
Really???  The Grammys is the most funded and viewed music awards show in existence, and they produced a show that was more on par with the 2000 Source Awards.  I was so hyped and ready to talk about how great they were, but what they presented was a complete FAIL.  In the spirit of fairness, I will try and find some good points to go along with my crushing points of criticism. 
Things I liked:

1.   Bruno Mars/B.O.B/Janelle Monae - This performance was the brightest spot of the night.  It’s great to see how much talent Bruno has when he’s not coked up.  Janelle killed it even though she did not walk a tightrope across the stage. 
2.   Muse – What a great change of pace from the country music boredom that was taking hold of the show! 
3.   Rihanna and Kim K - They’re not the most talented, but Dayum!  Rihanna made what could have looked dumb look absolutely wonderful on the red carpet.  And Kim K….well she’s Kim K.
4.   Realizing How Much I Know About Music - During my digital threesome with AB and AshBoogie (who are both musically knowledgeable), I realized that I have listened to a ridiculous amount of music that most people have never even heard of.  I sometimes feel like a weirdo. LOL.   
5.   Esperanza Spalding - If you don’t know, learn to appreciate quickly.  Bring on the Neo-Jazz revolution. 

Things I Loathed:

1.   THE ROOTS WERE ROBBEDHow I Got Over was one of the best Hip Hop albums of the past 5 years.  Just because Eminem had 2 radio hits doesn’t mean he needed to win!  Popularity votes kill me.
2.   Somebody Smack Beiber - If I hear “Baby, Baby, Baby” one more time, I’m flying to Canada and putting a muzzle in his mouth.  You can’t sing lil boy!
3.   Bob Dylan’s Voice Gone to Hell - Bob Dylan, you are a musical and lyrical genius.  But if you sound like a 70 year old lifetime smoker, you might not want to get up and sing on a national stage.  I’m just saying.
4.   Florence Welch - The Aretha tribute was great, but I have no clue who listened to the Florence + The Machine album and thought this chick could do the Queen of Soul any justice.  They might as well have put Justin Beiber’s a$$ up there (Yes, I’m still hating on this little boy).
5.   Stupid Grammy Rules - Due to the cutoff date, we have to wait a whole 365 more days to see Yeezy take over the Grammys because My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy didn’t drop until the end of November.  If ‘Ye doesn’t win over 5 Grammys next year, I will be back with another frustration filled recap of the show!

What Your iTunes Says About You?

We wanted to make the next Music Week post a little more introspective, so KG and I dove deep into our iTunes libraries to determine what our top five most played songs are. Let’s see what we have here…

She Says:
This was an eye opening experience. I was somewhat curious to see what, out of the thousands of songs in my iTunes library, I really play the most. Here are my top five most played songs (number of plays included):

Golden by Jill Scott – 111 plays
Crown Royal by Jill Scott – 106 plays
I Nominate You by Fantasia – 102 plays
Lay in My Bed by Mario – 101 plays

Incredible God, Incredible Praise by Youthful Praise – 95 plays

This made me laugh aloud in my training class--and if you know me, you know how infectious and loud my laughs are! These five songs shocked me. One could infer from the list that I am a happy, God-loving nymph. I looked further into my ‘Most Played’ playlist to see if the trend continued…and it did. *chuckles* Most of my top played songs are about Jesus, sex, and the search for love and happiness. I am ok with this. I mean, God and Sex both do the same for your life – they make you happy, relieve stress from your life, and bring you closer to something! We all could use a little more Jesus, sex, and happiness in our lives right?! Sometimes your spirit might need to hear a little “Baby I ain’t into satisfying nobody but you, touching on nobody but you…” immediately followed by “I've had some problems, some great and some small. You being God, delivered me from them all…” It really does wonders for your soul!!! :)


He Says:
I’m going to take a bit of a different approach on my top 5 than A did with hers. Looking over these I realized that I am one random a$$ mutha. I never really knew what songs I was drawn to except for the first one; and that’s because I listen to it every day. Well, instead of boring you all with my rambling, here is my list:

1. Get By Remix by Talib Kweli and other dope MCs - I listen to this song every single morning after waking up. The old school Kanye production is so raw (in my Chicago accent)! But more than that, it’s such an introspective and honest hip hop song that it really inspires me. I start my day amped because I know that through every battle, vice, and sin---I’m going to make it through.
2. Crown Royal by Jill Scott - This is one of the more simplistic Jilly songs, but it’s so smooth that you can literally put some Crown Royal (Special Reserve of course) on ice and just lay back, chill and become one with the song.
3. Chasing After You by Bishop Paul S. Morton - The words to this song describe my ideal relationship with God: continuing to build a better relationship with Him or Her and doing whatever you have to do to make that happen. Plus the band takes me to Church in this one!
4. Everything In Its Right Place by Radiohead: Though debatably weird, this is a great song that I continually catch myself listening to and just zoning out in thought. It’s probably my favorite Radiohead song by far.
5. Summer Madness by Kool and the Gang: This instrumental track by the Funk masters had no need for words and is a perfect song to appreciate just for the production.

I am not able to find a unique connection or overall theme in my list of songs—especially not one between sex, God, love, and religion like my talented counterpart discovered in hers. But what I can say is that there is some form of peace that comes from all music. Whether mentally, spiritually, or sexually---all music has the ability to transport you.


FDLF's Top Ten Love Songs

Situation: In honor of the upcoming Grammy’s telecast, IT’S MUSIC WEEK at “Friends Don’t Let Friends”. The next few posts on the blog will be related to music, with the week culminating in a final recap of the awards show itself. Today’s task: each of our top ten (yes somehow we were able to choose ten) love songs.
She Says:
Yet again, I could have gone on and on while working to complete this assignment. I know some people might be appalled that I have not added Stevie, Whitney or Barry to my list. I wanted to include them, but there was pressure to chop the list and I had to end somewhere. *shrugs*
So here are my ten “can’t eat, can’t breathe, can’t sleep” love songs, with a few honorable mentions.  After reading, feel free to comment with your own!
1.  How Do I Live by LeAnn Rimes - Fav Lyric: “…And I, baby, I don't know what I would do… I'd be lost if I lost you...If you ever leave, Baby, you would take away everything real in my life…”
2. Adore by Prince – Fav Lyric: “…If God one day struck me blind, your beauty I'd still see. Love's too weak to define… Just what you mean to me…”
3. I Know What Love Is All About by Anthony Hamilton - Fav Lyric: “…You showed me what it really felt like to be loved, and kissed, and held, and prayed for, and wanted, and nurtured and guided, and ohh to be understood…”
4. A Song for You by Donny Hathaway – Fav Lyric: “…I love you in a place, where there's no space or time…” *sobbing*
5. Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith – Fav Lyric: "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you are sleeping…”
6. Heaven Can Wait by Michael Jackson – Fav Lyric: “…I wouldn’t wanna go if I can’t see your face, can’t hold you close…What good would Heaven be, if the angels came for me I’d tell them no…” (Like MJ is soo bad he telling God, Heaven, and the angels, “NO!” #ripMJ)
7. Love Ballad by LTD & Jeffrey O – Fav Lyric: “…What we have is much more than they could see…”
8. So Amazing by Luther Vandross - Fav Lyric: “…It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon in the sky above…” (I want a man to put on his space suit and follow me to outer space. *deep sigh*)
9. My Latest, My Greatest Inspiration by Teddy Pendergrass – Fav Lyric: “…I want you to keep on liftin' me up.. (higher) Alright… (higher) Alright.. See, you got me, you got me doin' things, (higher) I've never done before, (higher)… See, you inspire me, you inspire me…”
10. ‘Cause I Love You by Lenny Williams – Fav Lyric: “…oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…”(This song right here? This song right here?! It is the pinnacle of love songs! It is a classic in every sense of the word!  I mean Lenny made you feel this sh*t!!)
Honorable Mentions:  Ain't Never Loved A Man by Aretha Franklin; Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion; Please Don’t Go Away From Me by Boyz II Men; Love’s Holiday by Earth, Wind, & Fire; and Love Need Want You by Patti LaBelle
He Says:
Who would have thought I could use more brain power to compile a list of my top 10 love songs, than I used for anything else I have done this week. Nevertheless I love “Love” and I love music even more. I could have written a list of 250 classics but here is my list of 10 cuts that will never leave the rotation.
1. A Song for You by Donny Hathaway - Donny Hathaway is the greatest soul singer of all time! And this is by far one of the best songs ever written and produced. The beauty of the song is that it begins with a simple, captivating melody played on piano.
2. No Ordinary Love by Sade - Smooth! Enough said.
3. Submerge by Maxwell - I heard this song many times while listening to the “Embrya” album, but never realized its power until it was played before “the moment”.
4. Adore by Prince - Prince has produced hit after hit but this song is believed by some to be one of the best songs ever produced. Smoothness, sexiness, honesty, intrigue and passion are all encompassed in this 7 minute track.
5. Sensuality (Pt 1 and 2) by The Isley Brothers – When it comes to slow jams by The Isley Brothers, most people think of “Between the Sheets”. But this track tops that one, in my opinion.
6. Blue in Green by Miles Davis – This happens to be one of the most sultry and passionate jazz pieces of all time. The simple combination of the trumpet and horn instantly invokes feelings of love.
7. If I Ever Fall In Love by Shai- This is a 90s classic that will never die. Simple harmonies along with honest lyrics allowed brothers all over the country to sing this song to their ladies.
8. Distant Lover by Marvin Gaye- Shout out to all the lovers who can’t see their sweethearts whenever they want to. Marvin put it down for all of you.
9. Evergreen by Luther Vandross - No ‘love music’ list could be complete without some “Luffa”. Most people are unfamiliar with this remake of the Barbara Streisand classic; but Luther ends up taking the reins and making it his own.
10. Night and Day by Al B Sure- Light Skinned Brothas in the house! This is my list and I say this is a classic. End of story. LOL
Honorable Mentions: Make It Last Forever by Keith Sweat; Moments in Love by Art of Noise; In A Sentimental Mood by Duke Ellington; I Love You More Than Words Can Say by Otis Redding; Inside My Love by Minnie Ripperton

FDLF’s Top 5 R.Kelly Songs of All Time

Situation: Reader ‘Carrie’ sent an email stating that she and her bf were having an argument about the top five best R. Kelly songs ever. She issued the challenged to KG and I to develop our own top 5 list of R. Kelly songs. Here we go!

She Says:
Let me start by saying “thanks” to Carrie! *insert sarcasm here*

This post was the most difficult to write of all the ones I’ve penned to date. Robert Sylvester Kelly is a musical genius and it was extremely hard to choose just five songs. I wanted to approach this by breaking it down into categories: the top 5 inspirational songs, top 5 scutter songs, and top 5 love songs – but that’s cheating. So instead, I tried to stick to the task. Here is my list (in no particular order):

1. "I Can’t Sleep Baby (If I)" – This song features a classic 90s R&B beat, and is drenched in the desperation of a man who wants his lady back. What’s not to love about it?! Fav line: “Oh sometimes a man can say things that he really don't mean./Well I'm sorry baby!/Bring your lovin' back to me..”
2. "Down Low" – This does not qualify as one of R.Kelly’s best lyrical efforts, but it is indeed a classic. The video featuring Fancy (Garcelle Beauvais) and Mr. Biggs (Ron Isley), with an ending scene of R. Kelly laying in the desert after being beaten is (I’ll say it again) classic. The song itself has a sultry beat and R.Kelly’s slow, breathy delivery showcases his masterful ability with musical narration.  Fav line:”Secret lovers is what you wanna be./While making love to him girl you're silently calling on me..”
3. "Elsewhere" – I love this song because it’s the perfect song to send to an ex. The lyrics and delivery are saturated with regret and pain –the precise emotions you feel after a failed relationship--when you realize it’s too late to salvage it! Fav line: “Things that I started feeling the day that she left/things that I slept on/things that I should have accepted/things I expected and the things I neglected..”
4. "12 Play" – The title track on his debut solo album was essentially a play by play of a sexual escapade. There’s no need to showcase my fav lyric, however I will instruct everyone to make sure it is on their ‘scutter’ playlist on the iPod.
5. "It Seems Like You’re Ready" – This early R. track is yet another scutter playlist essential! I really don’t know what else to tell you. Fav line: “Temperature’s rising/and your body's yearnin' for me./Girl, lay it on me..”

Honorable Mentions: I Wish, Ignition & Ignition the Remix, When a Woman’s Fed Up, Step in the Name of Love, Just Like That, You Remind Me of Something, Happy People, Radio Message, I Believe I Can Fly, Feeling on Yo Booty,  and The Greatest Sex

He Says:

In honor of the “Pied Piper”, I have been challenged to create a list of the top 5 R. Kelly cuts (I’m so old that I call songs cuts LOL) of all time. Mr. Kelly has done wonders for people in the bedroom and in the classroom (don’t act like ya’ll didn’t sing “I Believe I Can Fly” at your elementary or middle school graduation). So, here is my list in order of greatness, along with my favorite lyric from each song. Feel free to agree or disagree!

1. “It Seems Like You’re Ready”- This is classic 90s R. Kelly music! Taken off the 1993 “12 Play” album, Kells laid down the perfect track that lands in the perfect place on the album for you and your lady to enjoy and get things started. “Your body is my playground…Let me lick you up and down.”
2. “Bump and Grind”- I am trying not to be biased in my choices, but two of the greatest sex songs of the last 20 years happened to come from “12 Play”--which speaks to its greatness. Bump and Grind is the type of song that is relatable across generations; even the old heads say they play it for their women. It has the type of staying power that will keep it eternally on people’s ‘best of’ lists. “My mind is telling me no... But my body, my body’s telling me yes! I don’t want to hurt nobody… But there is something that I must confess…”

3. “Down Low (Nobody Has to Know)”- This song details the plot of a cheating man perfectly. This was the birth of the new age R. Kelly where he found a way to revive Ron Isley from the dead as “Mr. Biggs”. It is made both for people who love the forbidden fruit, and for anyone who just loves to hear about it. “Secret lovers is what you wanna be. While making love to him girl, you’re silently calling on me." (You killed ‘em with that one Kells!)
4. “Step In the Name of Love”- Anyone who finds something wrong with this song is just a hater. R. Kelly created a track that allowed you, your momma, your grandma, and your Pastor to get their two step on. I’ve seen many people dance like they thought they were from Chicago while grooving to this song. It’s just an all around feel good track that will probably be played at every Crab Feast for the next couple of decades.
5. “Feelin’ On Yo Booty”- R. Kelly once again puts it down for those looking to get down. There is talent in being able to make ass sound vulgar and angelic in the same song by playing a soothing instrument in the background. On another note, the video for the song allowed all young men to realize what Lil’ Kim had been hiding for so many years! “Now your body's got me feeling like spending. With a backroom I could come to live in.”

Honorable Mentions:
Trapped in the Closet Parts 1 thru 747- This song could have probably been turned into a book with all the twists and turns that were involved in the story.

When A Woman Loves- I know this is a new track, but this may be the one where R. Kelly is showcasing his best vocal talent ever.

They Say:
And P.S:  Watch out for those golden showers! (You knew we were gonna throw that in there at some point, right? *shrug*)