Now That You're Uncuffed...

Situation: Cuffing season is slowly on its way out the door. Spring and summer will be here soon enough and everyone will be looking to have some fun. So here a few things to avoid that are major turn-offs to the opposite sex. Be sure to take heed and you too can smang everything in your town--safely of course!
She Says:
1. Lying – Ugh! There is nothing worse than a liar! I find it hard to believe that people still lie in relationships because it is so easy to get caught now-a-days; sadly though, they do. Thanks to my boys Sergey and Larry (the owners of Google--please tell me you knew that) it is super easy to find out basic information about someone. So don’t go telling me you don’t drink that good drank, yet when I look ya ass up on Maryland Judiciary Case Search, I see you have two DUI charges! #FAIL
2. Smoking – Do I need to elaborate on this one?! It’s gross! That’s all I have to say about that.
3. Having Dirty Nails – Sweet Jesus! Where do I start?! A man with consistently dirty nails is the biggest turn-off ever. Unless you work on cars, paint houses, or are a carpenter like Jesus himself, your nails need to be clean. For those who do work on cars, paint houses, or are carpenters like Jesus, then it is only acceptable between the hours of 8am-6pm. Otherwise, this is truly a sign that you don’t keep yourself up.
4. A General Lack of Ambition/Dedication – This should actually be number one on my list, because nothing grinds my gears more than men who lack ambition. This doesn’t even pertain solely to relationships, but to everything in your life. If you are not ambitious enough to want to do more, I implore you to stop complaining; your complacency is boring and unattractive.
5. BAD BREATH – It is one thing to have coffee breath or a little kick after eating your favorite Chipotle burrito, but to have chronic bad breath is a serious issue. There is no way on God’s beautiful green earth that you will attract anyone with breath smelling like old gym socks. I have heard that if you want to test the attractiveness of your breath you can lick the back of your hand and sniff it. Please don’t hold me to that, but every tip helps right?!


He Says:
1. Mistrust - Madame, not everything about me is your business. You have no reason to go through my cell phone, rummage through my pockets after work, or try to break into my email to see if I received topless pictures from my side piece (I kid I kid). There is a reason why we both have our own things. I’m not asking you for your iPhone password, so please don’t think you are getting mine. There is nothing worse than a woman that just won’t trust you. I don’t have anything to hide from you; but it’s never cute to go behind my back and try to play ‘The Negress Detective’.
2. Having a Nasty A** Weave - I have a deep-seeded hatred for women who don’t maintain their own hair. I have an even deeper hatred for women who put mops on their heads, and then fail to maintain those. These unkept sew-ins and lace fronts are just getting ridiculous. Now, if you have no problem maintaining the weave that makes you look like you ‘got Indian in your family’, and you can keep it fresh, by all means, do you. But for all the women out there who think they can just pile something on the top of their heads, roll right out of bed, then go and try and find the men of their dreams, a warning: you might find yourself pulling dudes that more closely resemble Tyrone Biggums.
3. Lack of Culinary Prowess - Let me preface this by saying: I’m a country food loving man. My Grandmomma, Momma and my all other female kin can throw down in the kitchen. I don’t need a woman to cook every meal of the day for me, but if you can’t do anything in the kitchen, you might want to go the other direction. I am willing to work with you and your non-cooking a**, but don’t tell me you have no interest in even learning how to cook. That’s a turnoff if you are trying to hold onto a man like me.
4. Lack of Self-Esteem - I think the ultimate turnoff is a woman who can’t believe in herself and her ability to be great. You should not need to hear compliments from me to make you feel like you are worth something. In the words of the famous poet Katt Williams, “Bi**h it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothaf’n' self!”
5. Having a Menthol Addiction - I don’t want to leave out of restaurant with you and hear you beating the hell out of a pack of cigs before we can even get all the way out of the door. I don’t want to kiss you, I don’t want to smell your breath and, well-- I just don’t want to be with you. Take your ‘2 pack of Newports a day’ smoking ass the other way.



Rick said...

Hilarious! I mad that both of you haven't been making your thoughts available to the world for years.

monique said... about nail on head! A u hit it with all five & oh look so did #4...I jus had to tell some one that the other

A said...

@Rick -- Thanks for finally posting a quality comment!

@Monique -- Thanks!!! I mean those 5 things really are big turnoffs for me! :)

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