Single Black Woman Syndrome

Before you judge this post, please know it is not another of the many statistic-ridden horror stories you’ve seen in the media that waxes on about the plight of black women who can’t find love. This one is more personalized and will focus on our lovely AB. AB is a beautiful Black woman with a great job and a banging personality!  So why is she still single?  Is it that ninjas ain’t sh*t---or could AB be doing something to push eligible men away? It's time for us to attack this dilemma in signature FDLF fashion.


She Says:
I have been dreading this day…the day that KG would want me to address my “singleness.” I know that that he is going to go in on me. I can feel it in my bones! *deep sigh*
So, to the question: Why am I single? I probably ask myself this once a week, though usually for all the wrong reasons. At this moment, I would have to say that I really only want a boyfriend for consistent sex and gifts! Lol--hey at least I am honest. *shrugs* However, the real answer is that my singleness is probably a combination of my issues and the selection of men out there.
I’ll address my own issues first. I have major “daddy issues” that have, in turn, caused me to be extra hard on men, and quick to write people off when I feel wronged. It takes a lot for me to trust people and it’s extremely difficult for me to open up. To my credit, I have been doing a lot better in this area in the past year. But overall, my preference remains to be happy by myself, rather than dealing with nonsense in an unhappy relationship; I don’t have the patience for the latter.
Now to address the “ninjas ain’t sh*t” theory:  I will not say that men aren’t sh*t. That is not true--though some come pretty damn close to proving the theory. It would seem, however, that many men are coming to the table with a mediocre ass hand of cards, and drawing women that have a damn Full House. And I think men can get overwhelmed by all of their options. Why settle down when you can date multiple eligible women at the same time? Men have the luxury of actually dating several people at once, where women are often left dating one only guy at a time. After all, it is a pure numbers game out here. In every major city there are far more eligible women than there are men.
Regarding my personal expectations, I don’t have extremely high ones.  All I really ask is that you do what you say you are going to do, don’t beat on me, don’t cheat on me, don’t do drugs, don’t lie, don’t smoke, please don’t have kids (not a deal breaker though), and please don’t have a prison record or pending charges.
Is that too much to ask for?
He Says:
First I need to set the stage for this: AB is like my sister, so I feel like I can say anything about anything to her. We have that kind of relationship.
With that being said, AB is single because of AB! Nothing more, nothing less. AB has everything going for her, and pulls men on the regular. But AB has a couple of things inbred in her that are causing her to have an inability to fully commit. First of all, AB is too damn picky. I understand that women have the right to have a type for their dream man, but there comes a point where you can’t push away a man with potential—especially not based on one thing they’re missing, or have done wrong. Maybe my perspective is skewed as I’m on the outside looking in, but as a positive and intelligent (read: “good”) Black man, I have to be honest in pointing to this as a problem that I see with a lot of Black women. The mentality is that you “deserve” perfection (because that exists *insert sarcasm here*), when the reality is that in this day and age you need to be satisfied with a good man who has the potential to be great. Yet these are the men that unfortunately, both AB--and some of her single counterparts--push away.
I know that deep down, AB wants love. She wants the happiness and stability that come with having someone in her life that cares for her. Still, there’s a block buried somewhere inside of her that won’t let her allow someone to fully get “in”. She uses that cover that she only wants sex and gifts as a smokescreen for her deeper problem of not wanting to open up. Honestly, a lot of this has to do with her “Daddy” issues, but I believe that not being fully emotionally separated from her past long-term relationship also plays a part. AB invested a lot emotionally in said relationship--which was, quite frankly, the epitome of love, and an accurate picture of what emotional vulnerability between two people looks like. Though she was an absolutely great girlfriend, timing did not allow the relationship to last. AB was deep in love, and sometimes it takes a while to fall out of love; it sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.
AB has not come to the point where she will allow someone access to her core because of the fear of abandonment. It is always safer to close yourself up and build a surface level relationship with someone in the event that they are to leave you. AB has to realize that she won’t find fulfillment within herself, nor will another loving man come along, until she is able to trust again. That’s what it’s going to take for her to find the true happiness in a relationship that she wants---and definitely deserves.
P.S. Love you Sis!
She Says:
WOW! *looks around and slowly backs out of the room*


Ashlee said...

I completely agree with this statement - "All I really ask is that you do what you say you are going to do, don’t beat on me, don’t cheat on me, don’t do drugs, don’t lie, don’t smoke, please don’t have kids (not a deal breaker though), and please don’t have a prison record or pending charges."

Like, is that too much to ask for? Really. I would also like to add that he's not selfish and stays up on current events. I mean, we have to have something to talk about.

Marlon said...

Hmmm, interesting...I consider myself to be a very simple man, with complicated thoughts, but this shouldn't too difficult to discuss or add commentary (see, even that statement was complicated...ahaha). However, the adaga of "do what you say you are gonna do" is very easy to say as commentary, but can be difficult to get to an end result due to uncontrollable or unforseen circumstances. I don't want to oversimplify it, so I would ask that a female give an example of doing what you say you're gonnas do, and see if I can give a reasonable explanation as to why "it" won't be done due to unforeseen or uncontrollable circumstances...Also, that's not too much to ask or expect from a man...ON THE SURFACE, but we can all agree that the dynamics of a relationshp vary depending on the people involved!!! So, in essence, the realm of my relationship with my girl will differ in the physical, and relations aspect of another relationship!!! BTW, I drink and so do you AB, so the whole doing drugs thing is a hypocritical statement at best...ahaha j/k

Ebony said...

K, you sounds like a love doctor expert. Maybe I should seek your opinion for my own "singleness" issues.

But, is that really too much to ask for? Seriously...

Anonymous said...

Interesting discussion, I just hope that we dont start adopting the pink peoples alternative word for n$gger (ninja). We are too educated to copy off of OFAY... Negro, black folk, whatever you would like to say, or spell the word out with an asterisk maybe?? n*gger, n*gga... But just not the trailer trash "I think I have a eureka, I can be "pc" and still be racist" moment. We got to do better!!

Female BFF said...

I disagree about the past relationship part. I think that was a major hurdle for her but now she's starting to see the flaws in that person, though she still does view the relationship as a postive experience, she does realize that could not be her reality today. Secondly, I don't believe she is too picky. Men always say that, yet y'all run through women like socks until you find that "one", only before going through a couple more pairs of socks before you "committ".

I believe her true problem is her father. The impact fathers can have on their children is amazing. And in this case the impact of his absence is amazing and profound. I think the situation w/ her father as led her to become very strong and independent and she does not know how to let down that gaurd because its been in place to protect her her entire life. W/ that said, K (lol) she has come along way, and when in these times when women are settling for men just to have one, I'm happy to see her choosing to stay single and work thru her issues and wait for a good man.

(But yea, she really needs consistent dick in her life. I've been telling her that for years. Kisses)

Krystal said...

Very enjoyable reading

Anonymous said...

RIGHT AB! Felt like I was reading a story about myself! I AGREE!!! And the standards make sense to me. I would like for him to have a job and at this age, live on his own. I mean come on! Oh and I have to add driving in there because I got sick of picking people UP! MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!! SMH!
Been there and done that with the men with 'potential'. I am through with dealing with the men who are almost there ... where are the ones who have ARRIVED?!

I am done for now ... I need to cool down.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @ 9:29am:
How did you miss the ENTIRE point of the post to focus on one word??

Great post. Those issues are very common but knowing and wanting to do better are the most important parts.

Steve said...

This comment is definitely not directed at AB, but many sistas want a man to bring more to the table then what they are bringing. They have these great expectations of what they want in a man, but often are not bringing the same qualities. As I have gotten older, I have learned to appreciate women with beauty and personality to match, but often many sistas do not have both. I put more emphasis on the latter. I certainly feel for those women who have both qualities, (beauty and personality), and still do not have a man. Yes, I agree that women are picky and extremely confused sometimes. They dismiss the good brotha with potential to get with a thug, loser, drug user, playa or unemployed hustler, etc. Then when they get dogged, disrespected and discarded, they become damaged goods and generalize that all men aren’t sh_t. The problem to me is simple for women, have standards, but do not make them unrealistically high if you are not meeting the same standards. And ladies, it’s alright to be single, but if you want a man for the purpose of material things/money and consistent sex, then you are playing the same games that you are accusing men of playing. The game is just different, but none the less, a game. And if you chose to play this game, don’t blame a man for doing the same. Also remember, women often have the same character flaws as men, but get a free pass because society focuses more on the alleged drama that men dish out. Some women wouldn’t know how to select a decent man to save their lives. You have women in their 30s, 40, 50s etc who haven’t learned a thing in their lives and consistently select the same kind of man and then crucify the good ones. Then they run to Steve Harvey for guidance…please. Just maybe the problem may not be the guy, but it could be you since you are the common denominator in all of your relationships.


Anonymous said...

Steve.. devastating comments but so true..

Anonymous @ 12:39, that is some of the point right there... Words denote the content of the soul. We should not duplicate what the trailer trash thinks and splice it into our vernacular. So anywhere I see that assault on our people, I will retaliate with positive discourse. We cant vacillate between "respect me" but then disrespect ourselves in the next sentence. To me it correlates with Steve, we (black folk) and for this post "some" woman want what they cannot give in return themselves. But want to get mad when there judged for playing the "game" like men do. If we as black men complain, we hear the "you know how women are, esp sistas" Forreal?? Well you know how we are, "I dont love her baby, I just want a little strange every now and then" Guess what, when it changes for sisters, you wont be sisters anymore, you'll be white women.... Ask Elizabeth Taylor and her 5 husbands, two she lived with while the men were still married. You all are called to a higher standard, but when you act and carouse with pigeons and youre an eagle, the food you eat and the prey you hunt will never agree with you internally. Thats why it seems so many beautiful sistas just can't get that private life thing going, you have forgotten who you are.

Anonymous said...

I would love to hear what the ex Kenny refers to thinks about what he said. I wonder if this has any weight. hmmmm! food for thought!

Anonymous said...

I am currently talking to/dating/like, whatever you want to call it with AB at the moment. Thanks KG for giving me tips. I can't let her cut me off too soon for something dumb! lol

DCFab! Girl said...

Prayer changes everything...and I didn't see that suggested in the post. Instead of asking yourself why you're single every week, ask God to send you a helpmate every week. See if that makes a difference!

A said...

Great comments everyone!!!! Thanks for the support, tips, and encouragement. Let's see what happens next...Of course I will keep you updated. :)

To the Anon @4:50 -- I was not sure I was dating anyone, I know I am talking to people. However, if you are one of those people, umm yea let's talk about that in real life! lol ;)

Tony G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tony G said...

When I see, "All I really ask is that you do what you say you are going to do, don’t beat on me, don’t cheat on me, don’t do drugs, don’t lie, don’t smoke, please don’t have kids (not a deal breaker though), and please don’t have a prison record or pending charges.", honestly AB, I kinda roll my eyes. It's simply entirely too easy to fulfill. That's damn near the equivalent of, "I just want a car that runs." If that were truly the case and you couldn't find one, then perhaps stop looking for vehicles at the dump.

AB, you know I don't know a great deal about your daddy situation other than what you've mentioned in the last few months. And as much I hate to generalize, at least in what I've seen, I've gotta think that's the lion's share of what is currently the issue. It does put a smile on my face knowing the great strides you've made in addressing that, both internally, and externally (in meeting said sperm donor). But at least for my part, I feel like until you fully work through those issues, or at the very least, learn how to moderate your reactions with guys, while you work through those issues...... you're gonna keep passing up on some nice rides.

Shaquetta said...

I think its very simple for both men and women. Heal all wounds and you will attract the person for you. NOW its up to the person to identify and go after those experiences that have shaped them to be the person they are which includes whatever energy it is attracting what you don't want. You only need one and he/she is out there.

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