House, Check! Job, Check! Man....

Situation:   Recently, A was in a conversation with someone who told her that she was not “marriage material” because she “does not need a man.” Needless to say this comment erupted into a whole argument. However, an unbridled curiosity has been peaked regarding whether or not men think women who are self sustaining don’t need them.

Yes...but I still need ya!

She Says:

Let me start by saying that when I was told that I was not “marriage material” it was like taking a punch to the gut. In that instant, I envisioned myself at 60 years old, with no husband or children; but instead with 30 cats (I abhor cats) in an empty house eating canned tuna. However, I quickly snapped out of it and thought, “Hold up Shawty, you don’t know me!” *in my best T.I voice*

When I asked the man why he deemed me unworthy to be married, he stated the following reasons: “You own your own home, you are working on your masters, you don’t need my money--you good…” His list continued with more stupid monetary and tangible items, and as he continued to ramble I began to realize that this guy is a dud anyway.

But yes, I do own my home and I will be graduating with my masters in December. Yes, I can pay my own car note and pay all my bills on time.  But tell me why that means I don’t need a man.  Yes, I can provide myself with food, clothing, and shelter – my basic needs in life—without the help of a man. But as adults, shouldn’t we all be able to take care of ourselves? Would you want to marry someone who could not take care of his or herself?

I finally interjected this young man to say that you don’t want someone who needs you to take care of them; you want someone who is dependent upon you for all of the intangible things that being in a partnership provides.  There is a difference. Women like to have men around for many reasons like the obvious things – shoveling snow, carrying the groceries in, fixing broken things in the house, etc. LOL.  Though it’s nice to have men to do these are things, I can (and do) handle them on my own. Needing a man is more than the physical and monetary benefits; it is also about companionship, connecting, encouragement, intimacy, love, partnership and support. It’s having someone to make you feel appreciated, respected, secure and special. It is—simply put—about needing real, unconditional love. 

Therefore, I can do everything for myself, but I am not going to want to do it alone forever. My self-sufficiency is not meant to be intimidating or challenging to men. And the simple fact remains:  I DO NEED A MAN!! 

*sings*  I can pay my own light bill baby, Pump my own gas in my own car, I can buy my own shoe collection, I've been blessed thus far, I can kill the spider above my bed, Although it's hard because I'm scared, I can even stain and polyurethane…And even though I can do all these things by my damn self, I need you, I do, I do, I do, I do… -Jill Scott
A

He Says:

It is very interesting to hear this question: should a woman actually need me?  As I ponder it, many things come to mind.  I would love for a person to feel as if I give them so much that it becomes a part of their being; that puts the onus on me to want to continue being the best man that I can be for the woman I am with.  But in actuality, I don't want a woman to need me for anything. I think that can be cause for overly emotional connections that can ultimately be unhealthy.  I appreciate the love that I receive from a woman and, at the end of the day, I want her to want the things that I bring to the table; but not necessarily need them.

I always thought that men who wanted a woman to “need” them had self esteem issues.  I don't want someone to rely on me to the point where I would have some type of control over them.  I know tons of men who want a woman to need them financially, sexually, and emotionally because they have a need to have someone locked onto them to make them feel a sense of power in their lives.  I NEVER really trusted dudes like this, and women---you shouldn’t either!   These ninjas out here brainwash women to believe that they can supply every one of their needs.  I'm sorry, but only baby Jesus can do that.  My sh*t never got hard when a woman needed me.  In retrospect, those were the women that I actually shied away from.      

You see, I’ve grown up with a momma that worked a full time finance job.  Had my pops slipped up, she would have been completely self-sufficient and ok to survive on her own. But the thing I appreciated about my parents’ relationship (and a lot of old school relationships), is that each partner was thankful for the tasks and talents that the other brought to the union.  There wasn’t a sense of “needing” one another, but it was a mutual understanding of the things each person brought to the table.  A relationship should not be one sided.  My dad cooked, ate, drank beer, slept, and cut the grass.  My mom, on the other hand, entertained, washed clothes, and effectively shopped every week for the whole house.  But if one person was not there, the other party would never have felt helpless because they were so dependent on their partner.  

When I walk down the aisle, I think it’s important that my wife talks to me about the things she would like to see me do.  I want to be the backbone for my wife and be the person that she can rely on for anything.  But, I don't want her to feel that she’d be completely helpless if I wasn’t in the picture.  I love a strong minded woman that has faith in her own ability to do any and everything without the help of a man.  To me, a self sufficient woman is the sexiest.  Be educated, be sexy, be financially stable, and bring all those great qualities to build a great relationship.   But no woman should ever need me, nor do I want her to, as I don't need a woman’s dependence in order to feel good about myself.  I appreciate, and have more respect for a woman who doesn’t need me—but wants me.

K