House, Check! Job, Check! Man....

Situation:   Recently, A was in a conversation with someone who told her that she was not “marriage material” because she “does not need a man.” Needless to say this comment erupted into a whole argument. However, an unbridled curiosity has been peaked regarding whether or not men think women who are self sustaining don’t need them.

Yes...but I still need ya!

She Says:

Let me start by saying that when I was told that I was not “marriage material” it was like taking a punch to the gut. In that instant, I envisioned myself at 60 years old, with no husband or children; but instead with 30 cats (I abhor cats) in an empty house eating canned tuna. However, I quickly snapped out of it and thought, “Hold up Shawty, you don’t know me!” *in my best T.I voice*

When I asked the man why he deemed me unworthy to be married, he stated the following reasons: “You own your own home, you are working on your masters, you don’t need my money--you good…” His list continued with more stupid monetary and tangible items, and as he continued to ramble I began to realize that this guy is a dud anyway.

But yes, I do own my home and I will be graduating with my masters in December. Yes, I can pay my own car note and pay all my bills on time.  But tell me why that means I don’t need a man.  Yes, I can provide myself with food, clothing, and shelter – my basic needs in life—without the help of a man. But as adults, shouldn’t we all be able to take care of ourselves? Would you want to marry someone who could not take care of his or herself?

I finally interjected this young man to say that you don’t want someone who needs you to take care of them; you want someone who is dependent upon you for all of the intangible things that being in a partnership provides.  There is a difference. Women like to have men around for many reasons like the obvious things – shoveling snow, carrying the groceries in, fixing broken things in the house, etc. LOL.  Though it’s nice to have men to do these are things, I can (and do) handle them on my own. Needing a man is more than the physical and monetary benefits; it is also about companionship, connecting, encouragement, intimacy, love, partnership and support. It’s having someone to make you feel appreciated, respected, secure and special. It is—simply put—about needing real, unconditional love. 

Therefore, I can do everything for myself, but I am not going to want to do it alone forever. My self-sufficiency is not meant to be intimidating or challenging to men. And the simple fact remains:  I DO NEED A MAN!! 

*sings*  I can pay my own light bill baby, Pump my own gas in my own car, I can buy my own shoe collection, I've been blessed thus far, I can kill the spider above my bed, Although it's hard because I'm scared, I can even stain and polyurethane…And even though I can do all these things by my damn self, I need you, I do, I do, I do, I do… -Jill Scott

He Says:

It is very interesting to hear this question: should a woman actually need me?  As I ponder it, many things come to mind.  I would love for a person to feel as if I give them so much that it becomes a part of their being; that puts the onus on me to want to continue being the best man that I can be for the woman I am with.  But in actuality, I don't want a woman to need me for anything. I think that can be cause for overly emotional connections that can ultimately be unhealthy.  I appreciate the love that I receive from a woman and, at the end of the day, I want her to want the things that I bring to the table; but not necessarily need them.

I always thought that men who wanted a woman to “need” them had self esteem issues.  I don't want someone to rely on me to the point where I would have some type of control over them.  I know tons of men who want a woman to need them financially, sexually, and emotionally because they have a need to have someone locked onto them to make them feel a sense of power in their lives.  I NEVER really trusted dudes like this, and women---you shouldn’t either!   These ninjas out here brainwash women to believe that they can supply every one of their needs.  I'm sorry, but only baby Jesus can do that.  My sh*t never got hard when a woman needed me.  In retrospect, those were the women that I actually shied away from.      

You see, I’ve grown up with a momma that worked a full time finance job.  Had my pops slipped up, she would have been completely self-sufficient and ok to survive on her own. But the thing I appreciated about my parents’ relationship (and a lot of old school relationships), is that each partner was thankful for the tasks and talents that the other brought to the union.  There wasn’t a sense of “needing” one another, but it was a mutual understanding of the things each person brought to the table.  A relationship should not be one sided.  My dad cooked, ate, drank beer, slept, and cut the grass.  My mom, on the other hand, entertained, washed clothes, and effectively shopped every week for the whole house.  But if one person was not there, the other party would never have felt helpless because they were so dependent on their partner.  

When I walk down the aisle, I think it’s important that my wife talks to me about the things she would like to see me do.  I want to be the backbone for my wife and be the person that she can rely on for anything.  But, I don't want her to feel that she’d be completely helpless if I wasn’t in the picture.  I love a strong minded woman that has faith in her own ability to do any and everything without the help of a man.  To me, a self sufficient woman is the sexiest.  Be educated, be sexy, be financially stable, and bring all those great qualities to build a great relationship.   But no woman should ever need me, nor do I want her to, as I don't need a woman’s dependence in order to feel good about myself.  I appreciate, and have more respect for a woman who doesn’t need me—but wants me.



Anonymous said...

A -- you shocked me and let me down! WTF girl you don't need a man just get a some strong batteries you good!

Tee Tee

Anonymous said...

I too am shocked at A's stance!!! Blew me away!

K - I like your thoughts!! What's your martial status?

STEVE said...

Brothas who want women to need them are controlling, have ego problems and want to dictate your life. What self respecting man wants a woman to "NEED" him???? A woman who selects a man because she is lacking the basics of life, i.e. a house, car, money etc, is totally pathetic and a loser. Any man who selects a woman because he believes she needs him is a punk ass trifling loser as well. I agree with "K's" remark: He says, "I appreciate, and have more respect for a woman who doesn't need me-but wants me". I couldn't have said it better myself.


K said...

@Anon- Im engaged.

@Steve- Yea man I never really respected dudes that carried themselves like that.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you!!! That's a sign of maturity that many young women don't understand until a little later on in life. I totally agree with every word.

Sounds like a good brother to me! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Good post! I love when you guys get real serious on us. This is my 1st comment!

A - given your past remarks I too must say I am surprised that you need a man! Not what I would have expected at all.

I must agree with K I want a woman to want me not need me.


A said...

I must say that I am pleasantly surprised that people are shocked at my stance.

Tee Tee -- I have to disagree with you! I mean I need more from a man than dick! Please re-read the bottom portion.

@Anon 12:42 -- Thanks! Glad I realize that now as well!!

Steve -- As always, TABERNACLE!

Ash Boogie said...

A- if you want to get your cat collection started early, Weezy still needs a home!

Anonymous said...

My precious precious A -- You will get married soon! You are definetely marriage material! Shucks you got it all, so I dont need to give it to you! So if you looking for the other intangibles as you say, yea you can find it!

K -- Bro, I am going to need some ingnorance can't be showing my tender side all the time!


Anonymous said...

A -- I get your point but you don't need a man, its a want that you would like fulfilled! Let's be real here! The traditional roles are gone, no need to hang on...define your path/role!

Tee Tee

MoGregory said...

Okay... women and men NEED EACH OTHER. We were built this way.

Women have gone from being Queens (Africa), to Matriarch's (post slavery), to dependents, and nowadays the Independent woman. I think in 1960 perhaps women were taught to marry them a 'good man' with a job and money, etc. because rights were snatched away from women in terms of making money, voting, etc. I've heard my grandmother and mother both say that although they love their husbands, they married for security. I believe some women are in love with the idea of a man being able to take care of them or be that provider men are often defined as. Don't forget about the institutionalized gender roles, and no they are not dead. There's plenty of gold diggers and sugar daddies alive and kickin' for this very reason.

Today, there are so many black men falling behind in terms of education, incarceration, credit, jobs, etc. that they are actually now looking to black women to be 100% self-sufficient. I've actually found that men are attracted to the Independent woman b/c the men lack so much that they actually need us--to help them get jobs, to teach them how to manage their finances, to give them an alternative to whatever they are doing that's not working (ladies you know what I'm talking about... the woman touch!)

At the end of the day, you should be with someone who is like-minded. A, you are probally looking for a man who will appreciate the fact that you are self-sufficient, but also is in love with the fact that he can still take care of you and spoil you to death!

We need our other half, you just have to find the right one... and to the man you encountered, A, he my not it.

A said...

MO GREGORY -- {HUGS} do you feel that embrace!!! YOU GET A TABERNACLE TOO!!

Ashley Dominique said...

I was waiting for someone to come to the conclusion that Mo laid out ever so eloquently. I'm more "shocked" at the people who were surprised at A's assertion that she needs a man. All women NEED/DESERVE a great man by their side.

For all the education some of us purport to have, we forget that woman was created from the rib of man. We should forever want, and need to be by his side. No in front, not behind, but beside.

@Mo, I couldn't agree with you more. I've had to let a few wannabe suitors go bc they uttered words that send shivers down my spine "You really have it going on. I'm proud of you for doing your thing and accomplishing all that you have." While flattering, it scares me shitless bc I realize that this man is looking UP to me, and I could NOT return the favor. I need a man who serves as my equal, yet inspires me to be even greater.

That being said, I too agree that A will find that man she deserves. One who contributes, and inspires her to go to even greater heights.

While not opposed to interracial dating, I still believe that there is no greater companion for the Black woman, than the Black man.

A said...

@Ashley --yes honey!!!! I feel you! I too am deeply shocked by those who were shocked by me! However both you and Mo stated eloquently what most women probably feel!

I want a partner! Let's do this shit together!!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with the lovely people on this blog!!!!! I want one too!!! Where they AT?!!


Eb said...

Sigh. Amen to this post, to A and K being open, and to all the comments. I want and need a man because, damnit, I deserve one. I'm not looking for someone to buy me gifts or pay my rent, I'm looking for a partner who is willing to ride with me through life. To echo 'Anonymous' - where they AT? Damn.

Anonymous said...

First let me say that I love the post and the comments just make it better! A and K, I appreciate the honesty and think that everyone could stand to be a little more real with themselves sometimes.

To add on to Mo's comment I definitely believe that in our journey as women to become “independent”, we've mistaken the ability to care for our financial well being with the ability to become men. I am more than my career, my home, my car, etc. I am a complete person with thoughts and emotions and I desire another person who will compliment those things. No matter how successful I become on my own, the reality is that I will never be a man. Not only are we physically different, but both men and women are designed to bring a unique/fresh perspective to each situation that we encounter. If women were able to understand everything from the male perspective, than Steve Harvey wouldn’t have had a #1 bestseller.

I agree that a mate is not a NECESSITY for living. I'm quite sure that I will continue to breathe if I never marry. But I also believe that the QUALITY of my life will be so much better once I’m with the one who’s able to bring out the best in me and vice versa.

Now as someone who believes in Christ, I do have to note that no man (or women) can ever fully complete you. There are just certain needs that no human being, no matter how perfect they seem, can ever fulfill (hence the need of a relationship with your Creator). I’ve seen plenty of women push good men away because they wanted them to be their everything, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Overall, great post!

A said...

Thanks EB and Anon!!

I wholeheartedly agree with your comments! Anon -- you are saying something to me with you comment "I’ve seen plenty of women push good men away because they wanted them to be their everything, but that’s a discussion for another time." hmmmm....

...maybe it is time for K and I to hop on that one!!!

Anonymous said...

It is refreshing to hear so many independent women say that they need a man! Thanks ladies!


Steve said...

Hey ladies; I have alot to say about the topic, "I’ve seen plenty of women push good men away because they wanted them to be their everything". I'm sure alot of brothas would like to comment on this topic since it is rarely discussed in any forum that I know of. "A", make this topic the next debate.


A said...

Steve -- it won't be next, but its in the queue for a topic very soon!! :)

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