Deal Breakers in Diapers?!

Situation:  Every now and then we receive topic requests, and recently one in particular has kept coming up – DATING PEOPLE WITH KIDS!  *grabs fork and knife* We are ready to go in!

She Says:
*scratches forehead*
Let me first put my info out there: I do not have kids, nor do I want kids anytime soon for the following reasons: they suck money out of everything; I am not married; a kid would impose huge restrictions and cause a major loss of freedom during my 20s life; I am not married; they suck the money out of everything (I am aware that I’d already stated the last two—so you understand how strongly I feel about them).  Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to my thoughts!
Nowadays, it is extremely rare to find someone who is single and on the dating scene, yet does not have children. More often than not I am asked “How many kids do you have?” Though, I think the more appropriate question to be posed should be “Do you have any children?” There is an automatic assumption that everyone has kids, and that should not be assumed; it’s not true.  There are some single girls out there who are not baby mommas. Would I prefer to date a kid-less bachelor? OF COURSE!  However, am I strictly opposed to dating someone with kids? NO!
My preference to date men without children is rooted in the fact that there is one less layer to go through. I don’t want to have to deal with any complicated family situations or baby mommas. For example, I definitely could not see myself dating a man with three kids by five women. Frankly, it says to me that you are irresponsible in making your life choices--unless that was your goal all along and you will obviously still get a side eye from me. 
I once went on a date and I asked the gentleman if he had any kids. His response – “Yea I have two kids, but you don’t have to worry about them. I don’t see them on the regular.” O_O Excuse me sir, what did you just say? That response was so gut wrenching that it quickly canceled any chance he had with me. Gentlemen, it is not an acceptable dating technique to openly--and almost proudly--admit that you are a deadbeat dad. On the flip side, if you do have children and you are an amazing, loving father--that speaks very highly of your character, and should be a good sign for any woman who chooses to date you.
So, in a nutshell, from my point-of-view, having  one or more kids is not a deal breaker, but it is not a preference either…
A

He Says:
*scratches bald head*
A and I are best friends for a reason.  I am not interested in having kids either.  I love kids when I can give them back.  I want to get married, but I also want to be able to have a tad bit of freedom in my life.  Having a child would definitely put a roadblock in my financial and social freedom.
With that being said, I think I would be open to dating someone with a child.  But I would be so restrictive about everything that it may not make sense to even waste the woman’s time.  I am very picky to begin with.  Having a child will cause me to be even more anal about any and everything that this jawn would have going on in her life.  Unfortunately, in this day, when you meet a single woman there is a good chance that she has a child or children.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking any young lady out there who has a child, but there would have to be some ground rules set before I freely date you (smashing is a different story right?)
For me there are some things that allow a woman with kids to get the deuces.  First, ladies do not allow your children to ruin your life to the point that you lose your sexiness.  I was once being entertained by an older lady that had a little 3 year old son.  The kid was a cute little terror to say the least.  Also, ladies, if you are trying to keep a man in your life, don’t invite him to your house if you can’t keep your ish clean.  I never want to walk into someone’s house and have to trip over toys and step over dirty tightey whiteys.  At the end of the day, your child should be a reflection of you---not vice versa.  I don’t want to deal with a woman that can’t control their child.  If you can’t handle your child you can’t handle yourself.  That’s my thought and I’m sticking to it.
Secondly, ladies if you have not fully separated yourself emotionally and sexually from the father of your child, don't bring that junk up in here.  I'm not really interested in dealing with your drama, your kid’s drama, and some other man’s drama.  Most women end up smashing the father of their child even after they have finished dealing with each other.  I know a woman who still smashes her “baby daddy”.  Problem is, the child is now 25 and she has been married for 19 years.  Like really jawn, at some point you got to give it up!  Being emotionally tied to a child is one thing; but being emotionally tied to the situation that created that child is unacceptable in my book. 
For me, if I have a choice I am not going to go and seek a woman with a child.  And unfortunately, if you have a child, most men are going to smash you and never look to move the relationship to the next level.  (Thought to self: if I am ever out on the dating scene, I’ll stick to the cougars.  They got a little extra money saved up and their kids have hopefully already finished college.  That way, I don't have to worry about the extra drama from the child and I can get all the yams I want!)           
K

48 comments:

Carrie said...

Sorry can't do it won't do it. I don't have kids and I dont want to date anyone who does...

Sue me!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Carrie. I have NEVER dated a man with kids. COMPLETE dealbreaker. Didn't matter if the guy was great, I would have no clue bc it was off when I heard that bit of info. I am completely unwavering on that one. My bf of 1.5 years has no kids and we are very happy. :-)

Anonymous said...

WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO WILLINGLY DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS! GET OUTTA HERE!

However, given the state of the dating scene thos singles without kids are considering it because everyone has a kid.

It's a damn shame because there is no reason to have children unless you want them. Last time I checked, there are numerous methods of birth control, Plan B, condoms, etc. You get my point. If you dont want to have kids, take the damn measures to protect yourselves so you don't have them and people who are kidless are not forced to settle and date you because there are no other options...

OKAY I AM DONE!

Tee Tee

Anonymous said...

Finally!

I can not and will not date a woman with kids, plural, one maybe...but women with kids are definetely smashable because I know for a fact you aren't a virgin and I can possible hit without a condom. Yet I know to be sure to pull out because ya ass is fertile.

Kev

Anonymous said...

Every man that I have dated as an adult had a child/children and I never saw anything wrong with it because I love children so much (plus they always go home to momma)....but now that I am slowly coming up on 30 & still do not have any children of my own I see all of that in a different light....I want my husband and child’s father to be excited, enjoy & want all the same things that would make me happy in life.... let the record show I don’t care how much a person say's they will have the same feeling with the next kid they have it's a LIE....the thrill is not the same after u have had a bunch of kids & I refuse to have my joy taken away from the birth of my children because the other person already has some....not gonna be able to do it....I have been thru too much in my life to have my joy taken by anyone :)

Monique

Anonymous said...

I am a single woman with a very young daughter who is just getting back into the dating scene. I had a friend that told me the only men who are going to want me is a man with kids. All i could do is laugh at her because I know this is far from the truth. I have seen many examples of males (family and friends) who have no issue dating/marrying women with kid/kids.

Yes the dating scene is harder since I have a kid and yes I can understand that a man will not want to deal with any "baby daddy drama". I myself do not want to date a man with multiple children with multiple "baby mamas" cuz I know how those women can be. It might be easier to date someone with a kid because they understand schedules and dealing with an outside parent. However I do not feel that since I made the choice to have my daughter that I should feel limited in those who I date.

I know that I am a GREAT person with a lot to offer someone. I know that I am a great mom.
My daughter and I are a package deal, it's just gonna take the right man to understand and appreciate that and open his heart a little more to love someone else's kid like his own.

@ Tee Tee...just because you have a kid doesnt mean you didnt take the measures not have the kid. I know plenty of women who regularly took their birth control without missing days, who used condoms and took the morning after pill and still ended up with kids! That's why they say the only true way not to ended up with kids is abstinence.

Anonymous said...

@anon 10:11 -- Boo hoo hoo and cry me a river! That is a very rare event, very rare! I have been fucking for 19 years with and without protection on a few dumb occasions and guess what I am kidless! *gasp* People who say you got pregnant by accident are dummies. You are right absitence is the only 100% way to not get pregnant, but who does that besides Mormons. Every 10 seconds on tv you see a commerical for Plan B at CVS, and Yaz, and this that, Trojan Fire and Ice...yea people just need to think more and plan better!

Didnt intend to offend anyone with kids, but I am just saying...I don't wanna any kids and I take the measures to make it happen! *Kanye Shrug*

Tee Tee

ONEFABMAMA said...

As one of only a few single (for all intents and purposes)mothers in my relatively large circle of friends, I continuously find myself offering a "different" perspective. So, here it is...

Becoming a mother has changed me in a multitude of ways and they have all been for the better. I have learned humility, patience and to focus on the things that are truly important in life. In addition, I am God-fearing, ridiculously well educated, eloquently spoken, stupid funny and well-traveled with a pretty face and huge heart. Hell, I am a great catch. The real question is…do I want to date YOU? To be quite frank, I can still have (almost) any man I want. If a man chooses not to date me for the simple fact that I am somebody’s mama, it is most definitely his loss. If he’s honest with himself, he’ll acknowledge that not only do I have it together, but that I am raising a beautiful little lady through Godly wisdom and that he would be lucky to have me as a wife and mother.

I do, however, respect any man’s choice not to be involved with me, personally, at the present time. I am very much still intimately involved with my daughter’s father. We are close friends, spend time with each other each day, have a joint account and put each other first (after our daughter, of course) in most situations. But any man should be cautious of a woman who is still extremely close to another man, regardless of whether or not there is a child involved.

I recognize that I am not the norm and that makes my experience different. I just thought I’d share. :)

Andre said...

Andre is here! Fear not fear not!

I know yall think I an ignorant bumpkin, but I have no kids! Shocking I know...I'd rather buy Jordans! Honesty hurts! Maybe one day when I settle down I will want to have kids!

Right now hell to the no! No kids is my mantra! However it is nice to date a woman with kids every now and then she too preocuppied with her family to notice you cheating...You can have a nice side peice with kids! It's kind of a great things. You know she cooking dinner everynight because she gotta feed her kids...she got all the latest gaming systems if she has sons...you can get some of her food stamps and WIC. Y'all know milk is more than gas right?! I am just saying there are benefits to dating women with kids that's all.

@Monique -- Hey boo! I am 32 no kids...you wanna settle down. I be trying to get A, but she be ignoring me like crazy!

Good post, thanks for doing this topic like I asked, but don't think I aint notice yall be skimming on the post though!

About to tell you something! said...

I'm stepping into the conversation raising my hand to let you know that I was a believer that people who "accidently" got pregnant were fibbers...until I got pregnant while using contraceptives. It has changed my perspective on premartial sex in a way that I don't intend to have sex with anyone that I wouldn't mind that kind of slip up to happen again. Next time I will choose wisely.

Definitely don't need any "banana cream pies"(in my Katt Williams voice)

K said...

@monique- I honestly think you have to date someone with the same aspirations as you. I think it would be completely unreasonable to date a person with 2 kids and expect them to be as excited to have another child with you. Especially a dude.

@Kev- I agree with you. Im smashing and dashing a woman with Kids...O and never believe the lie that a woman with Kids cant have no more because they had "work" done...its all lies lol

A said...

@Anon 9:12am -- Glad you found one...he have a brother?! Cousin? Uncle? Daddy? Wait grabs my Aquafina...I am acting thirsty! lmao

@Tee Tee -- to some degree I agree with you. I don't want kids right now but I am not abstienet, so therefore I take the precautions necessary to help prevent pregnancy.

@Monique -- I love what you expressed. That is an awesome point! Don't let them take the joy that you so rightfully deserve! :)

@Kev -- one kid, ok! Plural Kids...hmmmmmmmm!!! I am looking for the exit lmao!

@ONEFABMAMA -- your name says it all! get 'em girl!

@Andre -- As always as always!!! lmao Now you trying to bag a read in my presence...you aint right! :(

Anonymous said...

Andre! Sooo... about getting w/ A, I think we need to make that happen. I have a feeling you two might really hit it off, well accept for the fact that u often come across as the epitome of a Que (no disprect to the bruhs, then again that comment probably doesn't bother you. U probably yelled ROO and threw a hook at your desk). I digress, but anyway I think you should meet her. I mean worst scenario, you turn out to be an absolute asshole- BOOM, material for a new post. Win/win. I'm just saying. She likes chipotle.

Out of obligation I must comment on the post now:
Great post, some interesting points. But really no MJ reference?!?

A said...

@Anon 11:22 really tho really?! we doing digital hookups through my comment section now huh?1 lmao

Thanks! I will have a MJ reference next time, promise! #ripMJ!!!

Anonymous said...

I remember specifically saying I would NEVER be in a relationship with a man who had children. Like someone else previously mentioned, if that relationship turned into something long term & a child resulted, I would want us both to experience parenting for the first time together. That was strictly a preference..until I met a man who.. didn't have a child when we met... but later found out 2 years later (long story but no fault to him) that he was a father. The way he embraced his responsibility when he found out.. turned me on even more (that sounds kind of crazy.. but its true!!) I would have to agree with A - that if you are an amazing father (not only financially) then that speaks a lot about your character. Make a long story short...I never felt like I had to fight for time.. or anything because he made clear.. that he was able to handle the relationship & his responsibility to his son first. Needless to say he changed my perspective on dating men with children and only ones who played their part in their child's life.. I'm not in that situation currently.. but if circumstances were to change.. I wouldn't let the children be deal breaker...

Anonymous said...

@K ....RIGHT!!!!! that's y I will try to only date men that don't have any from now on...lol...

@Andre....HA...how are u jus gonna put ur same obsession for A in the same comment u try to "holla" @ me in ...lmbo & smh!!!!

@A...girl u already no....so heyyyy all my single fellas with no kids...lmbo!

Monique

Anonymous said...

I love it!!! I agree A man with a kid ok...a man with children! Hell no!!!

Anonymous said...

LMAO.. yes there is definitely a difference child vs. children

Anonymous said...

YES LORD! A man with children might try to add me to the roster and I ain't trying to have that at all! Nope sir please bring your magnums, not that ice cream -- those Willy Wonka's, with you to this party!!!

A said...

@Anon 12:53pm -- RIP to A time of death 12:53pm! Willy Wonka's *sings* Cuz I got the golden ticket...

LMAO LMAO LMAO!!!

Anonymous said...

So I am a single man with 3 kids and 2 baby mothers...so I guess I won't be dating any of the ladies above! I am a great father though, maybe that could buy me some points with y'all.

Black

Brian said...

I have 2 kids, 1 prior to my engagement & the 2nd is with my fiancé. If I were to become single tomorrow, with 2 kids & 2 different moms I'm sure I could have any woman I want! The question is would I want you (Ms No Kids). I probably wouldn't want you anyway.

BTW if you have no kids & think you are to good for kids your shit better be tight (career, credit, looks, pussy & head). I hate these chicks that think there degree is going to make me happy! It's going be your attitude & the way you suck & fuck me that keeps me coming home.

Andre said...

@Brian -- My man! That was so true shit right there! I don't have any kids and I still want all of that and more! :)

A said...

@Brian -- LMAO! LMAO!! It doesnt get much more realer than that! "It's going be your attitude & the way you suck & fuck me that keeps me coming home." Yea I think that sums it up ladies!

You would have no problem getting a lady, the odds are in your favor! It is a simple numbers game!

I do have a question though... Pussy and head count as one thing, not seperate entities?!

Kim said...

I find that a few of the comments above seem a little young-minded. I think many of you above(women especially)will find that as you get older and the dating pool becomes smaller, you will rethink some of the things you're so adamant about right now if you want to have a mate. Let's not judge people by decisions they've made in the past, as long as they are properly handling the responsibility now. It's each individual's prerogative to date whomever they choose, for whatever reasons they choose--but let's not forget to focus on the important things like how a person treats you, how they love you and how committed they are to you—in addition to whether or not they are a parent yet. You can easily date a single man without kids who is still buying Jordans, eating all your food, and cheating on you (No offense Andre because I admire your honesty and find you pretty hilarious); or perhaps you can date a man with a child who will contribute substance to your life and be faithful. It's all about the individual in question, in my opinion.

All that said, I am a single mother and most of the men I have dated since having my son have been childless, including the person I'm currently with. Because I have so much more going for me than a poor decision I made a long time ago to refrain from using birth control, it has never really been an issue. And to any man who wouldn’t have wanted to date me JUST because I have a child, I respect your opinion and thank you wholeheartedly for being honest. You weren’t the person for me anyway, and that’s completely okay.

A said...

@Kim -- Well said! Very well said! That's why I stated in my post, if you are a great father, you earn points with me...if you are a deadbeat dad, then keep it moving. Your decision to step up to the plate would carry alot of weight with me! The decorum a man shows in that decision shows alot about his character!

K said...

@A- absolutely they are a package deal...but i must say...head and pussy combined are like a full course meal...but sometimes you just wanna go to the bar and get a appetizer...it happens.

Anonymous said...

@Kim, I totally agree. I think with life experiences your perspective changes on many things quite a bit. I am also a single mom of a daughter, who took birth control daily at the same time and still ended up pregnant. Plan B wasn't around back then, my plan B was grow up and be a woman/mother and I'll pat myself on the back and say, I've done a great job at both. However, having a child has never been a problem with dating and has given me greater discernment of what's really important in a mate.

I have no problems dating a man with a child/children as long as he posseses the qualities I desire and is indeed a father to those children.

Tinea

A said...

@Tinea -- I agree! Shucks I am only 26 and I used to say I am never dating a man with kids and then here comes life...

Anonymous said...

I often said that at my age most women that I date are going to have at least one child, that’s just the reality of the situation. But what I won’t do is date or marry a woman whose kids are out of control, cause major family problems and who are disrespectful. THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. So ladies if you have a son who is in and out of jail, smokes tweeds on the regular and has no future goals or aspirations, you are not wifey material…period; case closed. If you have daughters who are promiscuous, have numerous babies and is disrespectful to her mother, the relationship stops right there. Children have been and will continue to be a relationship stopper for me. If you feel you can’t be sexy, social and adventurous because you have children, you are out. If you don’t have money to contribute to vacations because you have children and expect a man to treat you all the time because you expect it, you are out. So before you open your legs to every handsome loser, womanizer and hustler, just remember the long term consequences of your actions.

Steve

Anonymous said...

If you are a female and have no children, try your best to marry someone with out them. Life will be so much easier. You will not have to feel like the babysitter, the attorney and of coarse spend money on the kid. The child that's not yours will fell like your responsiblity. DO NOT DO IT ... Unless he is paid lol

Ashley said...

I must say, the men are ON IT today! As always, Andre is a fool...albeit hilarious though.

@Brian & @Black..gotta love/appreciate the honesty.

@Kim--that was a very eloquent/appropriate statement and I LOVED it!

...now, that being said *takes deep breath*...

I'll be 25 in 21 days (#dontjudgeme). While I know that's relatively young, I have an old soul--trust me. But, in the few years since college, I've survived a very-near death experience and have realized a few things about life.

a) date who makes you happy b)Marry someone who makes you happy and can support you in EVERY facet of life. Looks fade, pussy dries up (hey, menopause happens), and peen is in unlimited supply (sheer numbers here--but always quality over quantity).

But I cannot help but notice that when considering the list of eligible people in my dating pool, the children factor seems to be most apparent when considering to date those of my own race. Now, like Angie Stone, I LOVES me a Black brother!!!!! However, statistics have shown that college-educated women, as many of those commenting have self professed to be, face more obstacles when it comes to finding a mate.

@Brian, Although my degree may not make you happy, why is it too much to ask that my partner, who I'm sure wants me to treat him as my equal, be college-educated, have similar career aspirations, and no children? I'm not asking for anything more than what I can provide for him.

I know I took that in a whole new direction, but I guess my question is: Why do so many of US seem to have children when compared to our White counterparts? ...I guess as my LS likes to say "n*ggas be fuckin!) SMH

--Ashley

K said...

@steve-Tabernacle. A woman with kids is not unattractive. She is only off limits if she allows her situation to define her. I respect a woman that handles their own with kids. Stay true to yourself, stay sexy, and stay active in your own LIFE

Anonymous said...

Lol @Ashley!! "niggas be fuckin" hahaha

Steve, Kim, Tinea, even Brian in a funny way -- PREACH!!!!!!

Kim said...

@Ashley, thank you. And great question. One of the reasons is rooted in cultural history. Non-black women are taught from an early age to find a mate (usually in college), get married and THEN have children. And, having found their mate, they tend to marry younger. This process is drilled into them continuously--and generally, should they slip up--many don't make the decision to have the child out of wedlock. Then consider the cultures where marriage is pre-determined, and the couple never even meets each other until their wedding night. On the other hand, Black parents were so often separated from their mates and their children during slavery that our view of the family unit was severely distorted. Women were raising children on their own anyway, so as generations passed, it didn't seem like such an anomaly.

Anonymous said...

Ashley -- that is a great point it does seem to be a problem plaguing blacks and our white counterparts do not face this! Kim -- great point!

Anonymous said...

The post was a good read, the comments just added to this post. I agree with Adriene, is it at the top of my list for a man, No - but would I stop dating a man who treated me awesome because he had a child no!

@Brian -- You better have all of those things and more as well...Women are demanded to have all of those things but guys get away with having a clan with a limp dick game and credit that couldn't even buy me a snickers. PLEASE.

@Steve -- PREACH BROTHER!!

@Kim -- Excellent point!

Again, great post with great commentary!

Peggy

Alex B. said...

It took me longer to read all of the comments than it did the post. Some interesting thoughts here.

I just want to throw this out to Tee Tee...yea holla at me in two years when you have a kid. It can happen to anyone! Shit happens, life happens, so what you gonna do about it. I think A is fair in her opinion in that she isnt looking for that but not shunning it either. I do get the point you make and agree to some extent, but geez "fucking for 19 years"... that screams to me "NOT WIFEY MATERIAL." Not because of your actions, but the crass manner in which you present yourself. Think about it.

I have no kids, so all those single ladies above, holla at ya boy! lol

Anonymous said...

@Alex B -- No boo boo! I will not be preggers because I know how to swallow (pause, lol) my pills every night! Its just options is all I am saying. Now as far as me not being wifey material -- your opinion but my husband seems to like me just find.

All I am saying if you don't want to get pregnant or get someone pregnant, swallow a pill, get a shot, insert your ring, put on your patch, wear a condom, shucks even pull out and superman dat hoe, lmao -- do something. You have to take an active interest in protecting yourself just as strong as you do when trying to get that nut. They are both important.

Anyhoo...I am open to answer more commentary addressed towards me. Thanks A & K...y'all done gone and made me a star! haha

Tee Tee

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...Tee Tee, since you are enjoying the attention, I'd like to ask you a question. You are married, correct? What happens if you and your husband should have a child, or children together and then things later don't work out. You find yourself a divorced, single mother facing the dating scene again. Will you want to be judged by the same standards you're presenting here? Not wishing that upon anyone, but it's certainly something to think about, no? You can't ever really say what someone's circumstances might be until you dig a little deeper. (If you can--you seem to be repeating yourself more than actually proving any valid point.)

A said...

@Tee Tee Someone seems a little thirsty for the lime light?!?! *passes an Aquafina*

We all see what you are saying. However I think you are getting hung up on the fact that accidents can happen. Life can happen to people, so it must be better to view how people react once life happens to them.

So you got pregnant? Did you grow and mature and become a wonderful mother or did ya ass stay in the club and have somebody else raising your child. So you got a girl pregnant? Did you walk away and never look back without remorse or did you man up and take care of your responsibility and become a loving father?

You can learn more from someone's character in how the respond when life happens to them...

This is getting heavy -- Andre boo come be funny! lmao

Andre said...

@A -- Boo, I was just about to send her the link to the last post!

@Tee Tee -- please read immegiately! (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose, haters) http://smashfreezone.blogspot.com/2011/06/quench-your-thirst.html

K said...

@andre- Dude I appreciate the promotions lol.

Anonymous said...

@Andre & A -- y'll funny! That thirst post was decent too!

@Anon -- honestly, never thought about that. I am not judgin married womens who then become divorced that is a different scenario. However I do get the point you were TRYING to make.

aight y'll we calling a truce! we just beating a dead dog now!

Tee Tee

Anonymous said...

Tee Tee -- You trippin! No truces...can't take back what you said!

Kev

Anonymous said...

I am late to the party, but this comment thread! LMAO

Tee Tee you went hard, but I think a few commenters kind of punctured holes in your "argument."

However, I do get the message that you were saying!

Z

Anonymous said...

Everyone has a preference so I can't be mad at anyone who doesn't want to date me because I have a daughter. I'm a better man, a more responsible man now.
I'm going to appreciate and love the lady who accepts my daughter and I
Plus some ladies actually are attracted to responsible fathers
TDiddy

A said...

TDiddy -- You are correct! It is refreshing to see a man be a responsible father! You definetely have the right attitude, any woman willing to love you will have to love your beautiful daughter!

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