How Soon is Too Soon? Part 1

No nice set up here – Is it possible to sleep with a man too soon? Let’s talk about it!
She Says:
How does one answer this question? I think it really depends on what you are truly comfortable with. Personally, I do not have a set time limit of 3 months, 2 days, or when the moon is in Aquarius -- I just do it when I feel comfortable. However, the fact is, once a girl starts dating, she is often told that the golden rule to dating is – “Don’t sleep with that man too soon!” Too soon is relative right?!
I once asked a dude if he formed an opinion about me after we hooked up, and he said that he did. He went on to say that he thought I was “a woman who knew what (I) wanted and liked, but was maybe not ready to settle down…” He continued with some other things that I will not share as I feel I sometimes share a little too much with my readers (though I know you guys appreciate it, LOL!). But my point here is that based off of that first time he had already assumed that I was not ready for marriage. Hmmm…okay!
In my opinion, men can be pseudo-hypocrites when it comes to the rules and judgments around sleeping with a woman.  Hear me out: what I mean, is that they do everything in their power to get you to sleep with them—courting you, giving you an oil change, helping you move boxes, talking on the phone, etc--then you finally sleep with them and it is deemed “too soon”; and all of the sudden your value plummets in their eyes.  Why is this?! Men make the assumption that because, for example, Bonquisha slept with them in whatever time frame she did, that she must obviously do this with every single man she encounters. So Bonquisha gets labeled “not marriage material” because she smashed too soon. What a load of bullshit! It stands to reason that not every man Bonquisha encounters is marriage material either--maybe he was simply meant to fill a certain void in her life at the moment, and all he was meant to be was penis meat—but this shouldn’t negate her own potential to be a good mate.
Nevertheless, this seems to continue to be an issue when you want to build a relationship with a guy. Dating right now is all a numbers game; there are so many more available women in the world, than there are available men. So maybe there is pressure for women to sleep with men quickly because of the fear that he could possible getting it from someone else. Often I hear the sentiment from women that they are feeling a guy but don’t want to lose his attention by making him wait for sex. Honestly, does making a guy wait create the perfect environment for a long-term relationship? I don’t think so!  So what’s a girl to do??
In my opinion, it shouldn’t matter! Throw all the stupid rules out the window and do what feels right to you.  If dude really likes you, it shouldn’t matter if y’all have sex for the first time on the 1st date or the 20th date. If dude has a problem, in the words of my late grandmother, “Momma had him, Momma f^ck him…”
P.S. 'He Says' is coming tomorrow and we have a treat for you guys! :)


Anonymous said...

A -- I agree it is quite the double edge sword! Like how do you know when is too soon on his timetable so you aren't taken off the marriage board all together!

I have only slept with one man on the 1st night and we dated for 2 years, but he told me the same dumb ASSumption that he couldn't marry me b/c I could have been doing that with everyone and that is not the type of woman he could be with!

To quote my girl Beyonce "Thank God you blew it!"

Good post! Ready for the treat tomorrow!


Anonymous said...

Not Bonquisha A! SHUTUP!! However, I feel ya! I like your grandmother's saying...I have to add that to my collection! lol

Anonymous said...

Soooo true. I hate the double standard! How dare men complain about women who sleep on the first date, yet their main objective, whether they meet you in the club, school, mall, library or work is to smash. And the very ones who claim they want women with "high heels and high standards" slept with Bonquisha last week. SMH.

As women we cannot let a man define our happiness or degrade us by calling us sluts and hoes for engaging in sexual acts early in the relationship.

Whatever you do and however you do it, a man who loves will appreciate you for it.

Anonymous said...

I'm saying when i used to ask girls out or whateva it was really only to if you gave it to me too soon there was really nothing left to accomplish..

Personally there is no such thing as too soon to get it..i will(would) take as it is given but if i don't have to work to hard for it the relationship will most likely be nothing more than sexual. i'll only treat you as you allow yourself to be treated.. If i work hard to get that hopefully means during that time i am getting to know you and might find out your worth more than just a number and story at the bar


Anonymous said...

Well A, I must say I agree and it sucks that these assumptions thwart off any potential with a guy. I am with you "too soon" is all relative!!!

My current boyfriend, we slept together on the 3rd date and we have been together 3 years now. However, you know you are really feeling a guy when you are fighting the urge. I am looking forward to hearing Part 2

Tee Tee

Anonymous said...

A- There as no such thing as too soon. A man determines what he's going to do with you while you are "getting to know each other". Why can't women do the same thing? Figure out what his purpose is in your life (sex or actual) prior to smashing. Women often stab themselves with the "double edged sword" b/c they think they don't have the upper hand in this dating game. The worst thing in the world is to be fooling around with some random jawn wasting time whne you can be in relationship with a man you actually want. Really terms have to be made prior to smashing event... and they need not be broken. My advice: be honest (w/ urself and ur jawn)... be upfront. They'll appreciate the absence of communication and mind games. IMO

Over and out...
Ashley C.

Anonymous said...

PENISMEAT?!?! LMAO!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Styles L Hutchins... said...

Ruminations to get the verbal intercourse started...

Here is the question.. It used to be that you knew who were the freaks, hoes, rollers, etc... There were a small group but you knew who they were. Nowadays what is the distinction?? Slide you back 40 years.. are you now that roller??? Black Men don’t want a ho, well sleep with one but wont marry one, as simple as that. I will tell you that it is a double standard, one that women help facilitate. I have no problem saying I got it in, will tell you of my exploits, but will a woman??? No, she will lie until you see that dude in the street who's giving her the "damn that was good" look. You ask who is that?, "That's Bonquisha's folk"... N*gga please!!! If you can’t WALK then TALK the game, leave the game alone. The numbers ratio alone makes it bad on woman, men who are educated, nicely groomed, handsome / fine with a little cocky / confidence are in demand and the supply is dwindling.. It’s so bad, some woman, are looking to foreclose on this man's "owner" , renovate then move in yourself.. Really?! No man wants to think of his future wife as a former cum dump, regardless of how many degrees you have. Does the number of degrees signify a handicap on the amount of men you sleep with? Bachelors, MBA, JD.. that’s a -8 men I can take off my "list"?? Huh?? Promiscuity is just a nice name for rollin, rollin, rollin rawhide!!!

How do you separate yourself from everybody else in the dating world? Why should I choose you? A brother really wants a queen , a lady... That definition has changed through the years, but I keep hearing sisters ask where are the old fashioned brothers? The ones who take care of you (not because I need you too), who open doors, who "court", the gentleman?? They are out there, fighting for the 1000 or so old fashion women who are left. So in the mean time, we look for the ones who are gonna give it up on the hotfoot!!! They occupy time while we look / court the "one"

Jill Scott said it best "there's power in them rollin hills" "not every man is worthy". Maybe if you can be honest about your exploits, then we can "grow up" and look past them, but if you hiding... apparently you ain’t to proud of what u done anyway.....

Anonymous said...

I think the rules on smashtime and the timeframe around it should be based on the dude you are dealing with. A guy like me, I wouldn’t advise smashing right off the bat. There are some dudes out here who it is just impossible to smash and dash on. These are the marriage material cats. I happen to be one of these gentlemen. I didn’t realize that until later in my twenties that you can’t just go around smashing each and every jawn because there is something about you that will cause a woman to fall in love. It’s not even about your sexual abilities; it’s about the fact that a woman sees you as something more. Even if a woman states that she is ok with the smash and dash, sometimes the guy you try that with just grabs a hold of an emotion that you can’t break free from.

Honestly my advice is if you find a dude that you think is marriage material, make sure you all understand that you can’t just bone him and keep it moving. Don't think that you can always make that dude want to marry you by f’n him after 2 weeks. Because then you might spend the next 2 years of your life trying to break free of that one sided love that should have never happened.

I have a page to write about this. But I am going to keep my comments cool on this.

~The Guy That’s on break until Friday

Steve said...

Each situation or relationship that a woman is in should be evaluated individually. Throw out Steve Harvey's books that seem to confuse MOST women. Just use good common sense ladies and I assure you that whether you smash on the first date or not, the guy will still respect you regardless. Women out here have the same need to screw your brains out as us men do. Sure there is a double standard in society which is why women have to be selective as to who they will give it to more readily. As many have heard before, women know right off the bat if they want to sex you up the first time they meet you. The media, including punks like Steve Harvey are providing you ladies with bad ADVICE and information, but yet many women are eating it up. So basically, if you meet a guy who may be fine, handsome and has that swag, look at other qualifications before you fuck him, i.e. how does he relate to women, does he seem like a playa, does he have a steady job, where does he live, have you been to his house, where does he work, etc etc. Women seem to have babies with and fuck losers time and time again, but yet you want a good man. I don't advocate fucking a guy on the first date, but if you do, just make sure that you have spent some time with him engaged in some meaningful conversation for the purpose of determining whether he is WORTHY.

P.S.: I believe women can still be marriage material even if they do screw you on the first date. Today's woman knows what she wants, so why shouldn't she go after it like us men. The only caution that I have is to be SELECTIVE.


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