Random Gchat Musings

Siutation: KG and I happened to be watching Celebration of Gospel that aired on BET last night. I missed the 1st hour of the show (womp), however the 2nd hour proved to be the topic of our Gchat last night...ENJOY! We will be back with a "normal" post this week!!

AB:   WTF is El Debarge doing now?   I can’t….   Ugh

8:50 PM KG: I don’t know. This whole program took a bad turn with the Kirk Franklin opening.

 AB: Well I missed that. Thank God

8:51 PM KG: Oh that nigga was dougie'n and pop lockin’.

 AB: Howard Hewitt… WTF.  I can’t. I’m done. Back to trash TV.

 KG: LOL

8:53 PM AB: El doesn’t have that “go to church” voice. Where is Tasia?

8:54 PM KG: Yeah El has just been pimped by BET since the awards. LOL

8:55 PM AB: LOL  LOL   It’s like he’s on contract and sh*t... LOL

 KG: hahaha I know. LOL

AB: Ohhh he has a show on BET.  Got it. That makes sense.

 KG: LOL Pimpin’.

 AB: LOL… WTF does Kirk have on? OMG!!!

 KG: LOL LOL LOL LOL…   Classic.

 AB: I can’t!!! He is the WB frog; just shucking and jiving.

 KG: He has country cuffs. I can’t.

9:01 PM AB: I’m done! Like Kirk hasn't done sh*t, and it’s getting more evident now  b/c he dresses like a coon.

9:02 PM KG: I’m still trying to figure out what he has added to this performance…maybe a random "C’mon!"

 AB: He’s done nothing but distract me from a great performance. Did Israel just play him?

 KG: WTF is he screaming

9:03 PM AB: I CAN’T!!!! Israel really just said "Kirk, why don’t you try to sing?" LOL LOL

 KG: LOL LOL LOL

 AB: LOL Hilarity! Finally, Mary Mary! Some good GOSPEL. LOL.  I heard the one in the skirt had a stank attitude.  I don’t know their real names.

 KG: She looks like she might

 AB: s/n: I want that jacket.

 KG: Which?

9:05 PM AB: The whole outfit really…the stank one’s.

 KG: OK--as long as u don’t get the weave, we’re good.

 AB: I want a weave though.

 KG: I'll pull it out.

 AB: Why?

9:06 PM KG: Ugh! Why would you do that to your life?

 AB: I’m sick of my hair. LOL  God I wish I could sing... WTF was that hair in the audience?

 KG: LOL There’s so much coonery in the audience.

9:07 PM AB: LOL… Can they just sing “Yesterday”? I mean, really?

9:08 PM KG: Um sorry, but no. LOL…   This is the ‘hip hop’ Celebration of Gospel.

 AB: Boo! I haven’t felt the spirit on any of those songs. Rance Allen is smooth. You can tell he still pulls old church freaks.  LOL

9:14 PM KG: He always has been. ahahaha

 AB: You know he does with that crisp white hair. The church ladies be making him plates of food. LOL

 KG: Oh, every Sunday he has a plate waiting. LOL

 AB: Look at how light he is on his feet. LOL… And he’s two stepping.

 KG: He’s so big...but he gets around the stage. LOL

9:16 PM AB: Rance Allen got a dunk! Who is the baldy on the left?

 KG: OK, sidebar: all these dudes have on wedding bands, but look hella gay.

AB: SHOCKER!!!! It’s the black church. I’m sure 42.3% of the men in black churches are gay,  but have to front b/c black religious people are crazy.

9:18 PM KG: LOL Is that an ascot or a tie?...LOL I can’t tell! LOL

 AB: An ascot I presume; however I feel some spirit in this song.

**Convo pauses for praise break**

9:21 PM AB: I’m adding this to the download list!

 KG: Yeah great song

9:23 PM AB: that was awesome!!! Bobby Jones equals GAY!

9:33 PM AB: Now they know there are Lane Bryant stores and shit.

  They could have found her a better dress than that tent! I can’t!

 KG: I can’t!!! hahahahah

9:34 PM AB: No..no..no That is inapprop! And it’s an electric blue tent!

 KG: She has room in her arms though. LOL

 AB: Are you going to see that at the UniverSOUL Circus?  Ringling Brothers don’t want that.

 KG: hahahaha

9:35 PM AB: I’m waiting for Kim Burell.

**5 minutes passes**

9:40 PM AB: There are a lot of fat women in Gospel. Why can’t I sing? I wouldn’t have to have a 9 to 5. Damn.

**11 minutes**

9:52 PM AB: Ok Whitney and Kim! Kim dressed nicely--no damn circus tent. WTF

 KG: hahaha Whitney’s stomach! LOL

 AB: Yea looks like she’s off that crack now;  she gained weight. LOL

 KG: Why wear that dress?

9:54 PM AB: She still thinks she's skinny. Spanx could have worked.

9:55 PM KG: LOL

9:56 PM AB: Dammit Bobby Jones! Really? I want to learn how to do the church two step.

 KG: LOL LOL

 AB: That hair is a f*cking wreck.

 KG: LOL. And u want weave. LOL

9:57 PM AB: It’s so absurd that you over look the wings on her suit. Yo the backup singers have dunks.   Why can’t I sing? I could have a career in gospel. It’s all fat women and gay men. LOL

 KG: bwahahahaha LOL

9:58 PM AB: The church two step is the sh*t!!! I need that in my life. I’m going to a Pentecostal church on Sunday to study it.

 KG: You’re not going to anybody’s church. LOL

 AB: They all church two stepping. I am going to learn the two step. This g-chat should be a post. LOL

10:01 PM KG: Damn...we should have made it one.

DONE & DONE!!!!


UPDATED:


By Request of Reader 'Andre' --- Here is Gospel Singer Kathy Taylor in the UniverSOUL Circus Tent!

Back Up Negro: She's Just Not That Into You

Situation

A reader reached out to KG asking for helping on how to detect signs that his interest might not be interested in him. So in true Friends Don't Let Friends fashion, we must save our friend from himself. So here we go...

He Says:

1.  She does not initiate physical or eye contact.

Fellas, if a woman does not look you in your eye when she is talking to you, or she looks at you like you have a malignant mole if you come within 6 ft of touching her---she might not be that into you. Most women like to be touched when you make a joke, or even just given a hug. If the most you get from a woman is a handshake with her head turned away---it might be time for you to pursue other options because she is not the one!

2. She never accepts your invitation to go out.

I dealt with a woman once who would talk to me all the time over text, email, and sometimes the phone, but every time I asked her out, she would come up with a reason to decline. Examples I would get hit with were: prior dinner plans, picking up a girlfriend, or even going to Target for a toothbrush. After a while, I finally figured out that she just wasn’t into me. I was always told that a woman should accept at least one dinner because she may never know what pleasant surprises that dinner could hold. Well dammit I never got that dinner, and I sho nuff finally got the hint.

3.  She has never introduced you to her friends.

If interested in you, a woman will always want you to have the approval of her closest friends. If you have never met Pookie, Re-Re and Kim, you might not be that important to her. If she was into you, you would have been invited to at least show your face to her circle. But since you aren’t, understand that the man that is actually important to her is receiving all of this treatment.

4. She has a boyfriend!

Now this may seem obvious to most people, who think that a guy would back off when hearing this. Oh contraire! There are many men who don’t take the hint, or don’t respect this information. Many dudes think that they have the chance with a young lady who has just claimed to be taken. Fellas let me break it down to you---if a woman tells you right off the bat that she has a boyfriend, it is indeed likely that she doesn’t, but is telling you this because she doesn’t want you. Sorry to break it to you but this is not a sign to come harder---it’s a sign to go try your game on the next available woman.

She Says:

5.  She doesn’t laugh at any of your jokes.

You may not be Eddie Murphy, but you damn sure ain’t D.L Hughley (I don’t think he is funny, sue me) and if the girl of your interest never laughs at your jokes, then you have a major problem! Laughing is a form of flirting for most girls. While we are laughing at your jokes, we have the opportunity to lean into you, show some cleavage, and touch you on your arm or thigh. If ya girl is not laughing at your jokes, then she has no desire to flirt with you.  Womp!

6. Your Facebook Friend request to her is still pending.

You have 10 mutual friends in common with your potential boo. Therefore you can see her commenting on your friends’ pictures and statuses, yet you are still not Facebook friends with her. If she has yet to accept your request, it probably means that she doesn’t want to get to know you at all; especially if she is turning down an open invitation to Facebook stalk you. lol

7. She doesn’t allow you to do favors.

Fellas, you call yourself being nice by bringing ya boo her favorite Starbucks latte. This is a sweet gesture right?! Yes it is! However if the gift is quickly returned to you, that’s a bad sign homie! She doesn’t want to owe you anything. Most women love when men do things for them. When a girl is digging a guy, she can take that small sweet gesture and use it as currency to rent a condo in Fairytale land where she’ll spend her time planning the first 6 months of your relationship. If she really likes you, she will be on the phone with a girlfriend like, “Girl he put two pumps of soy milk in my latte. OMG he totally loves me.”

8. You don’t match her description of her perfect man.

If you ask her what her perfect man is and she responds “tall” but you are short; or if she says “bald” and you have locs, you should take this as a subtle hint that she is just not that into you. It’s a blatantly rude way of saying “my perfect man is everything you are not”. It is harsh and superficial yes, but it is also most likely true!!

The Magic Number: Part 2

"Question: Is a woman still "wifey material" if her number of sexual partners is very high?"

 She Say:

Over and over again, women hear the old wise tale that states: "Men want a freak in the sheets and a lady in the street." Men want women who can channel their inner Pinky in the bedroom but also be their very own Michelle Obama in public. Fellas -- that might not be as hard as you think. If you remember from my last post, all of my friends have degrees and they give head, so it is possible, lol. But I digress! The problem arises when guys inquire—or happen to find out—about how many bodies a girl has under her belt that helped her to obtain her Cherokee-like bedroom skills.

Once again I broke out my researcher’s hat and conducted a quick poll with a few guys in my iPhone contact list. The first question asked was, “Would you marry a girl who had 70+ sexual partners? She is 28 and started having sex at 16. Yes or No.” Out of ten (10) responses only one (1) man said “probably yes.” His rationale was that “You can’t judge a person; especially when it’s your soul mate.” The other nine (9) responses were various funny ways of saying no, but here is my favorite response:  “It’s all about the averages…I dunno about this one…that’s about six (6) dudes a year. I wouldn’t say she’s a hoe; she probably just makes hoe type decisions…couldn’t do it.” It matters so much to guys that they use mathematics to calculate female penis intake averages...GTFOHWTBS!!!

So to balance it out, I asked the same sample of women from the previous post “Would a guy’s number of sexual partners matter to you?” I received only two “yes” responses. Yup, just two.  However the “no” responses--and even one of the “yes” responses--dug deeper and said they didn’t need a number; just a clean STD test. My friends are the ish. I F*CKING REPEAT: MY FRIENDS ARE THE ISH (and single)! **coughs**

Personally, I would never ask a grown man what his “number” is, because I know for a fact it would be higher than mine, and what purpose would that serve? Would I think, “Well, now I can rest easy at night knowing that you have smashed 25, 30, 50, 70, or 100+ girls before me”? And honestly, who are we kidding? The “number” conversation is never a good one for ladies, because men have this preconceived notion of what an appropriate number of bodies (for a woman who is wifey material) should be.  I have probably slept with a guy who has had sex with over 50 women, but does that bother me? No. I just hope he protected himself during his many escapades!!!

My last question for my sample of guys was, “When was your last STD/AIDS test?” Only four (4) out of ten (10) guys stated a date within the last six months…FOUR OUT OF TEN…but they wouldn’t marry the girl with 70+?! o_O *major sideeye* I mean honestly, you are not Magic Johnson; wifey, boo, or whoever isn't gonna stick around with a positive test, lol...but seriously, go get tested and stop worrying about her "number."

A

He Say:
A, homey I hate to break it to you, but 70 people by 28 is incomprehensible for anyone other than Mr. Marcus or Roxy Reynolds. She has no chance in hell if she reveals that number!

K

She Say:
I rest my case!!

A

The Magic Number: Part 1

"Question: Is a woman still "wifey material" if her number of sexual partners is very high?"

He Says:

This is a very interesting dilemma. Men are very fickle and want their ideal woman to have a minimal amount of “jawns”, but at the same time, be able to work tricks like Superhead.  It’s a complicated battle that men will not accept losing. If a woman is too sexually empowered or free she can easily be taken as a being a whore, a slut, loose, etc. Ladies, if we are looking for a relationship, we want to know that your middle sanctum has not been tampered with by a different dude every time you have gone out to the club. No dude I know is going to voluntarily even consider a relationship with a woman they know has been acting like Samantha from Sex in the City.

Sexual experience is a very sketchy topic for most people to discuss. Most people (and I am generalizing) are not going to be honest with their partner for fear that they are not going to be looked upon in the same way after the reveal. And to be honest, most men can’t handle any answer they’re going to receive from a woman on this topic anyway---so why should we even place ourselves in a position to lose a person we may have a connection with, over something as small as a number?  Sex has progressed since the 60s when it was possible to marry a woman who was still a virgin on her wedding day.

So the question is does it really matter how many men a woman has slept with? And my answer is that under most circumstances…not really! What has happened with a woman in her sexual past will not, in most cases, affect her ability to get “wifed” in the future. Personally, as long as I know that the woman is clean and free of disease; I really don’t care to know about her past bedroom activities because it won’t affect me one bit. Actually, chances are the bedroom action will be a little more exciting for me; which I won't complain about.

My solution is as follows--don’t take it as Gospel, but this is how I figure out the complication that comes with the amount of sexual partners your significant other has had: Keep it to yourself! Tell your partner that your past is your past, and you are living for the present. Don’t add the complication that comes with a number--that at the end of the day, doesn’t define you as an individual. Men, if your girl comes into the bedroom and blesses you with something you have never experienced before, don’t worry about where or how she learned it. Why does it even matter?  As long as she has not smashed the homie or become an unofficial Kappa sweetheart due to her gracious services, her history is exactly that---history!

K

She Says:

KG -- I think this is partially bullsh*t, most guys do indeed care. They told me so, lol!! However, check back tomorrow for my lovely thoughts!

A

Blowjobs, Head & Brain...OH MY!!!

Situation:
Many readers seemed to be fascinated and intrigued by our blog. Some readers have even taken it upon themselves to suggest topics. We appreciate it, so keep the ideas coming!! :) However, one topic just kept coming up -- BLOWJOBS -- and how important or unimportant they are to a relationship. So here we go...

She Says:
When we selected this topic, the 1st thing I heard in my head was... "She give good brain like she graduated from a good school..." - Lil Wayne

I am going to try my very best do this with a slight filter, for fear that people might think that this post is dripping in experience. Let me just state my opinion early and firmly...the oral stimulation of a male's penis is extremely important to a relationship. I repeat, the oral stimulation of a male's penis is extremely important. Men always complain that black women view fellatio as unimportant, so I had to put on my researchers hat and see if this claim was true.

I completed a very informal poll with a small sample of 10 black women between the ages of 25-32. All participants in the poll were college graduates, with five (5) having/obtaining advance degrees (my friends are the ish). Out of the poll respondents -- eight (8) confirmed that BJs were important to a relationship. A few quotes worthy of sharing:

"Hell YES is my answer. All day everyday until my jaws cramps."
"Yes, but I don't think they should be."

Why are they important in the relationship you ask? Because your man, boo, or whoever, loves them and they make him happy; you want to make him happy right?! I remember the moment I knew head was important; I had developed a signal for my bf to use to alert me that I was doing the job right. A simple rub on the nose was used to assure me that I was headed (get it, lol) in the right direction. *lowers head in slight shame*

So to the ladies who genuinely enjoy orally stimulating and know that it is important to want to please their man, boo, or whoever, keep up the good work! However to those women who don't think it is important, I implore you to go grab your laptop and search Superhead on PornHub.com and watch her go to work, study her technique, and rewind if you have to. Then go grab your man, boo, or whoever...throw him down in a chair, get on your knees in front of him, get that confidence up, put a smile on your face, relax your jaw, and get the hell to work! Like Drake, you can thank me later...

A
 
He Says:
Let the church say Amen!! *drops mic*


K

The Infamous Random Text

Her Scenario:

You are chilling at home doing some work on your laptop and you hear your cell phone buzz. You have a new text message from an old friend that reads: "Hey stranger, Happy New Year. Hope all is well." KG, umm yea explain....

He Says:

Being presented with this scenario causes me to think back to my former life—one where I was a guy who would send the random text.  To a woman, this may come off as completely random; but trust me, it is rarely actually random.  Men are very territorial.  If you have ever given a man the goods--a kiss, a hug, or even the slightest idea that he has a chance---in that man’s mind, he has placed his claim on a small part of your “territory”.  The random text plays a very important part in holding on to any piece of ground he may still lay claim to.  In my past life, any woman I’d encountered could find herself the recipient of the random text because there are so many potential places it could lead. Sometimes there were tangible benefits to sending this message, and sometimes it just led to the rekindling of a good friendship; but there was always some sort of positive return.   

The fun part after initially sending the text is anticipating the response from the female.  That first response sets the tone for any future contact, or lack thereof.  If a man receives a message back that contains any of the following: exclamation points, extra letters, or smiley faces (especially the one with the tongue out), in his mind, you have just opened the door for him to walk back through.  Ladies, you can be single, engaged, married, or divorced and it won’t matter--the random text will always present itself to you.  Why, you ask?  Men continue to send them because they have absolutely nothing to lose by doing so.  Even if you haven’t talked to him in weeks, months, or maybe even years, a man will use this test as a means of sticking his foot in the water to see if it’s hot or cold.  If it’s cold, you go back to your regular life and he sends a random text to some other lucky prospect.  Oh, but if that water is still hot---the possibilities are endless!

She Says:
Hmm..makes sense! I decided to have a girl moment and take a poll from a few different guys after reading KG's reponse. Seems like most men have the same thoughts on this...dude is testing the waters. One guy friend stated "I call this a 'gateway phrase' because it starts converstiaon which ultimately will end up with me asking to meet up." Another guy friend, who is older, asked two more questions before he responded. "How close to New Year's did the text come?" and "What time of day was the text sent?" The text was a few days after NYE and sent in the afternoon. Older guy responded "hmmm could be geniune interest there, go for it..." So I guess I have my answer huh?!    

Moving the F#@k On!!

She Says:

Ladies when you have had enough of a guy, what is the first thing you do? Well, maybe not the first thing... I mean, you do have to remove his existence from your Facebook Newsfeed first. But I digress; you grab your cell phone, open up your contact list and scroll through until you find his name. There it is. You stare at his name one last time and you hit delete. There, it’s done – the hardest thing you’ve had to do in your relationship. The ceremonial removal of the cell phone contact is pretty significant in the downfall of the relationship. It means that the guy’s presence is no longer welcomed in one’s life. The sheer presence of his contact info in your cell phone is just too much to bear; every trace of his presence has to be gone. The extraction of contact info from your phone assists in abating the urges to text, call, or send spicy pictures. Though contact deletion is a simple act, it is a necessary one. Once your mind has comprehended this action, it can then start drafting and circulating the memo to your heart--but more importantly, to your va-jay-jay. The memo simply states: “This fool is no longer good enough to be in your phone, so why in the hell is he still good enough to take up space in your heart and va-jay-jay? Let’s all move on. Love, Me.”     

He Says:

Ladies…REALLY??  You deal with a guy for months—sometimes years--having conversations, cooking him dinner, and smushing him on a regular basis (Sorry I‘m in the process of watching Jersey Shore while typing).   One day you wake up and have the revelation: “This guy is not worth my time”.  You have willingly offered--and sometimes actually given--every part of your emotional, spiritual, and physical being.   All your girls have told you to move on, but you pushed off the inevitable split for as long as possible.  Then something finally clicks in your head, making you realize that your time and effort is not cherished by him.  So you decide to move on.  And what is the most creative way you can think of to move on?  YOU DELETE HIS NUMBER!  Do you really think this is the start of your emotional attachment to this man being broken?  Well let me break it to you: IT DOES NOTHING!  Because if that man was to send a text or call you, you might ignore him for a day--or maybe a few days--but eventually the emotional insanity will kick in and you will respond.

For future reference, please don’t use this dumb tactic anymore.  If you want to leave a guy alone, communicate this with him.  And not in your Sammi Sweetheart voice either.  Be blunt and honest.  Tell this man he is not fulfilling your needs on every level.  Sometimes being rude not only enforces the point to him; it re-enforces the idea in your head as well.  Don’t waste your time by deleting his number, and then ending up sexting him 3 days later.  If it is time to move on don’t tease yourself; bring it to fruition. 

The Rules of the Follow-Up

Scenario

The stars were perfectly aligned and the moon was in Aquarius because last Friday night when you went out with your girls you met a great guy. You exchanged numbers and the next day he called. You talked for a hour and then he said, "Let's get together." Now you wait for it and wait for it and wait for it and you realize that four days have now passed and ol' dude is nowhere to be found. Or my personal favorite: you are in the midst of a convo via text with consistent replies, and then the world must fall off its axis because 30 minutes have now passed and no response.

She Says:

Ladies we have all been here!! I think nothing grinds my gears more than inconsistency and lackluster follow through. I mean, what happened? Did ol' dude have to catch an immediate flight to Zimbabwe and there is no cell service in his new location? Or is he the new Ben Carson and had to rush to the hospital to perform emergency Siamese twin surgery? What gives? I admit I have girl moments where I get angered by this behavior and immediately say, "Well next time he text or calls I am going to ignore it." o_O Next thing you know I am back in a text convo or on the phone laughing like Chris Rock is on the other end! Guys, this behavior is rude; though it's not the worst thing in the world, it is indeed inconsiderate. It makes us go crazy and makes you the jerk!

He Says:

Ladies you all have been there. And I must say you are all emotionally insane. I was always told that patience is a virtue. Most men have their own timeline and patience "exams." Most men wait between 3-5 days before reaching out to you. Why is this you might ask?  Because you are not his priority yet.  He has no reason to rush and call or text you.  The day he makes an effort to communicate, he knows that you will be giddy based on the feedback you gave him when you met.  This also goes for a text conversation.  Men have no reason not to text you.  But they know, based off experience, that you are sitting there waiting for them to write back.

Ladies, please learn not to fall into the trap.  If you exchange numbers with a gentleman and he writes or calls you a week later; don't rush to answer the phone or text him back.  Learn to make him wait the same way he does you.  All interactions between women and men are about testing each other to see what you can get away with.  Ladies, don't fail the test due to your emotional insanity and lack of patience.