C'mon Man, Put Ya D*ck Away!

Situation:

Any woman reading this post will be able to relate. It has happened to all women who have the ability to receive picture mail on their phones -- D*ck Pics!!! What makes the matter worse is that they are always unrequested! FDLF feels it is time to lay down the law on D*ck Pic Etiquette!

Yea, pretty much...that's the normal reaction!

She Says:

Fellas, what the f*ck is up with this ish right here?! Let me first explain that women are not visual creatures like men. We cannot just simply look at a picture and get instantly turned on. D*ck pics elicit one of the following reactions from women: laughter, feeling unimpressed, thinking “ugh”, and on a rare occasion -- DAMN!  However, the fact still remains that an unrequested d*ck pic is not sexy and is a slightly gross turn off.   

In addition to the rudeness of an unrequested d*ck pic, the quality of the pictures is usually downright disrespectful as well. If you are going to send one, make sure it’s a quality, flattering shot of your d*ck! There is an art to taking a good d*ck pic. Here are some tips:

1. Do some penis landscaping. Clean up the area down there. Not only does it look neater, it can make your penis look bigger! When a woman receives a d*ck pic with a damn forest in it, the first thing she thinks about is hair getting caught in her teeth or throat! GROSS!

2. Make sure it is hard!  WTF are we gonna do with flaccid penises?! -__-

3. Angles my friend--it is all about angles. Practice taking the picture at various angles, to find one that displays your member in the best possible way.

4. If you are unsure about your size, zoom might be a good friend for you. It would help to decrease your chances of having the person laugh when receiving the pic.

5. Make sure the sh*t is clean! You would think that this is understood, but some men are just nasty! lol

So if that seems like too much work, it probably is! The moral of the story is....stop sending unrequested d*ck pics!!!! JUST STOP!

A

He Says:  

I have realized that a lot of you ninjas out here are shooting pics on a regular basis.  Not only is that shocking as hell, but it’s damn disturbing.  I swear, chicks are talking every day about how some man that they don't want sent them a cruddy ass picture showing off his phallus.  I am not knocking the hustle, and think you should get in where you fit in---but this stuff has gotta cease.  I am not disturbed with the fact that they are being sent---I am disturbed by the fact that you ninjas are sending out these pictures without them having been requested!  As a man, I will at least wait for a request to come in before I send out a picture of my sh*t.  Most likely I will tell these jawns to “go to hell”, but at least I am being asked for it and not just shooting for fun.  Maybe it’s just my opinion, but if that lady actually wanted to smash you---she would be seeing the real thing and not the picture 

I honestly think that some of these cats completely forget that we live in 2011.  These cats must want to end up being Brett Favre’d.  I ain’t trusting no jawn with a picture of myself.  Most of you cats aren’t sending pics to your wife or girlfriend---you sending them to random jawns number 1-17.  Now when jawn number 6 finds out you smashing her line sister---you will end up exposed World Star Hip Hop style on your local Delta list serve.

While the stories I hear about you negroes doing this shat sound like a fail to me, for you gentleman that decide you want to be the Darius Lovehall of sex pics, I want to give you a few tidbits that might help you in your future endeavors. 

1. Please please don't hit these ladies with the picture of you in the bathroom mirror trying to flex on these heaux.  You are incriminating yourself right there. Trust me, she will be sitting at home laughing at your ass—especially at the dumb ass face you decided to make in the mirror.  Sorry sir, she didn’t ask you for anything---so don't make it any worse. 

2. For all you Baltimore, DC, and Philly cats struggling with that little problem we like to call STDs---I would like to advise you to keep the phallus put away.  I don't think no grown woman is turned on by the sight, Brother. 

3. Finally, and bluntly---if you have nothing to show, just don't show it.  If you are proud of your non-existence, then more power to you.  But I would advise you to keep it to yourself.  Maybe then you might at least get a chance to smash once in the dark. 

At the end of the day, if you think that sending a pic of your dick is getting you the yams---then albeit do you!  But I can tell you, on average, your chances of smashing go down if you sending random jawns these random ass pictures---because most of them don't want them! 

K

How Soon is Too Soon? Part 2

She Says:

K is on "vacay" aka he's been slacking on the writing game lol! He'll be back don't you guys worry. However, today we have a guest blogger, our good friend WD!!

LOL!

He Says:
Let me start by saying that I am in no way the caliber of writer as A or K, however; what I lack in artistic expression I make up for in sheer honesty and sincerity.

Now, to the topic at hand: too many people believe there is some mathematical equation that determines when a woman should make the decision to sleep with a man, i.e. y=mx+b (where x = time you’ve know him, m= how he treats you and b = how you met or some variation of this formula). I believe this ideology to be false on the premise that every situation is different and no one matrix or equation can predict when it is the perfect time for a man and woman to have sex. This is a very complex question, without a simple right or wrong answer; in fact there are several billion people in the world and I am willing to bet every one of them could come up with a unique reason and name an appropriate time frame for sleeping with someone. Rather than offer a one-sided narrative of this situation I would like to present like Jamie and Adam of Mythbusters and secretly expose you to some of my “cold hard facts” about the “sexframe” (time frame it takes to have sex):

1.      From the day a man meets you and gets your information he is testing you to see how quickly you will sleep with him. Yes there are exceptions to every rule, but in the same manner that women test men, men do the same; this is just another one of the games we so frequently like to play.

2.      One night stands are (for the most part) a myth, since someone is going to call the other --no longer allowing it to be a one night stand in its purest form, meaning  just one night. Too many people place sex on the first night on their despised list but the truth of the matter is, it happens (so some of you ladies are lying when you say “Nuh uh I’d never do that”). One night stands shouldn’t be considered the red-headed step child of the dating game, yet I would strongly urge against them if you don’t have the strength to deal with the emotional ramifications—both good and bad--that could result.

3.      To the point of #2, having sex quickly doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get the cold shoulder quickly. Sex on the first night can definitely lead to longer, somewhat fulfilling relationships, just not to marriage! If you have sex on the first night, no matter how fun it was, you probably aren’t the one for that particular guy. You are probably a great woman but there is one very simple reason you will never be his wife: most men are cocky and self-centered by nature; we all believe our game is tight, but we know it’s not that damn tight. If we got you into bed on the first night, chances are someone else has too--or someone else will in the future. This may or may not actually be the case, but either way, that’s what we are thinking. We can’t have that in the backs of our minds while we are walking down the aisle.

4.      If you are genuinely looking for a partner, the best time to have sex is not defined by any book, magazine or nosey friend; but instead by the time frame in which you truly believe the man has done enough to show you he genuinely cares about you. Please don’t put a time frame on this; for some it takes 2 weeks, for some it takes 2 months and for others it works after 75 text messages--every case is unique. Also please don’t feel bad if you get it wrong (most people do these days), but instead remember you can’t hit a homerun if you never swing. Additionally, many women make the critical error of comparing “lockout times” (amount of time they hold out from sex)! This is a mistake, because as I stated before all situations are different; just because T did it in 5 dates, 14 phone calls and 64 text messages doesn’t mean you have to or even that you should. (Sorry for the lame sports analogies but sports are my life.)

To wrap up, I’d like to thank A and K very much for allowing me to speak on their forum. To some this may be new information; to others this may all be a crock of S#%t. Either way, it’s just my honest opinion, which is what I promised!

WD

How Soon is Too Soon? Part 1

Situation:

No nice set up here – Is it possible to sleep with a man too soon? Let’s talk about it!

She Says:

How does one answer this question? I think it really depends on what you are truly comfortable with. Personally, I do not have a set time limit of 3 months, 2 days, or when the moon is in Aquarius -- I just do it when I feel comfortable. However, the fact is, once a girl starts dating, she is often told that the golden rule to dating is – “Don’t sleep with that man too soon!” Too soon is relative right?!

I once asked a dude if he formed an opinion about me after we hooked up, and he said that he did. He went on to say that he thought I was “a woman who knew what (I) wanted and liked, but was maybe not ready to settle down…” He continued with some other things that I will not share as I feel I sometimes share a little too much with my readers (though I know you guys appreciate it, LOL!). But my point here is that based off of that first time he had already assumed that I was not ready for marriage. Hmmm…okay!

In my opinion, men can be pseudo-hypocrites when it comes to the rules and judgments around sleeping with a woman.  Hear me out: what I mean, is that they do everything in their power to get you to sleep with them—courting you, giving you an oil change, helping you move boxes, talking on the phone, etc--then you finally sleep with them and it is deemed “too soon”; and all of the sudden your value plummets in their eyes.  Why is this?! Men make the assumption that because, for example, Bonquisha slept with them in whatever time frame she did, that she must obviously do this with every single man she encounters. So Bonquisha gets labeled “not marriage material” because she smashed too soon. What a load of bullshit! It stands to reason that not every man Bonquisha encounters is marriage material either--maybe he was simply meant to fill a certain void in her life at the moment, and all he was meant to be was penis meat—but this shouldn’t negate her own potential to be a good mate.

Nevertheless, this seems to continue to be an issue when you want to build a relationship with a guy. Dating right now is all a numbers game; there are so many more available women in the world, than there are available men. So maybe there is pressure for women to sleep with men quickly because of the fear that he could possible getting it from someone else. Often I hear the sentiment from women that they are feeling a guy but don’t want to lose his attention by making him wait for sex. Honestly, does making a guy wait create the perfect environment for a long-term relationship? I don’t think so!  So what’s a girl to do??

In my opinion, it shouldn’t matter! Throw all the stupid rules out the window and do what feels right to you.  If dude really likes you, it shouldn’t matter if y’all have sex for the first time on the 1st date or the 20th date. If dude has a problem, in the words of my late grandmother, “Momma had him, Momma f^ck him…”

A

P.S. 'He Says' is coming tomorrow and we have a treat for you guys! :)

House, Check! Job, Check! Man....

Situation:   Recently, A was in a conversation with someone who told her that she was not “marriage material” because she “does not need a man.” Needless to say this comment erupted into a whole argument. However, an unbridled curiosity has been peaked regarding whether or not men think women who are self sustaining don’t need them.

Yes...but I still need ya!

She Says:

Let me start by saying that when I was told that I was not “marriage material” it was like taking a punch to the gut. In that instant, I envisioned myself at 60 years old, with no husband or children; but instead with 30 cats (I abhor cats) in an empty house eating canned tuna. However, I quickly snapped out of it and thought, “Hold up Shawty, you don’t know me!” *in my best T.I voice*

When I asked the man why he deemed me unworthy to be married, he stated the following reasons: “You own your own home, you are working on your masters, you don’t need my money--you good…” His list continued with more stupid monetary and tangible items, and as he continued to ramble I began to realize that this guy is a dud anyway.

But yes, I do own my home and I will be graduating with my masters in December. Yes, I can pay my own car note and pay all my bills on time.  But tell me why that means I don’t need a man.  Yes, I can provide myself with food, clothing, and shelter – my basic needs in life—without the help of a man. But as adults, shouldn’t we all be able to take care of ourselves? Would you want to marry someone who could not take care of his or herself?

I finally interjected this young man to say that you don’t want someone who needs you to take care of them; you want someone who is dependent upon you for all of the intangible things that being in a partnership provides.  There is a difference. Women like to have men around for many reasons like the obvious things – shoveling snow, carrying the groceries in, fixing broken things in the house, etc. LOL.  Though it’s nice to have men to do these are things, I can (and do) handle them on my own. Needing a man is more than the physical and monetary benefits; it is also about companionship, connecting, encouragement, intimacy, love, partnership and support. It’s having someone to make you feel appreciated, respected, secure and special. It is—simply put—about needing real, unconditional love. 

Therefore, I can do everything for myself, but I am not going to want to do it alone forever. My self-sufficiency is not meant to be intimidating or challenging to men. And the simple fact remains:  I DO NEED A MAN!! 

*sings*  I can pay my own light bill baby, Pump my own gas in my own car, I can buy my own shoe collection, I've been blessed thus far, I can kill the spider above my bed, Although it's hard because I'm scared, I can even stain and polyurethane…And even though I can do all these things by my damn self, I need you, I do, I do, I do, I do… -Jill Scott
A

He Says:

It is very interesting to hear this question: should a woman actually need me?  As I ponder it, many things come to mind.  I would love for a person to feel as if I give them so much that it becomes a part of their being; that puts the onus on me to want to continue being the best man that I can be for the woman I am with.  But in actuality, I don't want a woman to need me for anything. I think that can be cause for overly emotional connections that can ultimately be unhealthy.  I appreciate the love that I receive from a woman and, at the end of the day, I want her to want the things that I bring to the table; but not necessarily need them.

I always thought that men who wanted a woman to “need” them had self esteem issues.  I don't want someone to rely on me to the point where I would have some type of control over them.  I know tons of men who want a woman to need them financially, sexually, and emotionally because they have a need to have someone locked onto them to make them feel a sense of power in their lives.  I NEVER really trusted dudes like this, and women---you shouldn’t either!   These ninjas out here brainwash women to believe that they can supply every one of their needs.  I'm sorry, but only baby Jesus can do that.  My sh*t never got hard when a woman needed me.  In retrospect, those were the women that I actually shied away from.      

You see, I’ve grown up with a momma that worked a full time finance job.  Had my pops slipped up, she would have been completely self-sufficient and ok to survive on her own. But the thing I appreciated about my parents’ relationship (and a lot of old school relationships), is that each partner was thankful for the tasks and talents that the other brought to the union.  There wasn’t a sense of “needing” one another, but it was a mutual understanding of the things each person brought to the table.  A relationship should not be one sided.  My dad cooked, ate, drank beer, slept, and cut the grass.  My mom, on the other hand, entertained, washed clothes, and effectively shopped every week for the whole house.  But if one person was not there, the other party would never have felt helpless because they were so dependent on their partner.  

When I walk down the aisle, I think it’s important that my wife talks to me about the things she would like to see me do.  I want to be the backbone for my wife and be the person that she can rely on for anything.  But, I don't want her to feel that she’d be completely helpless if I wasn’t in the picture.  I love a strong minded woman that has faith in her own ability to do any and everything without the help of a man.  To me, a self sufficient woman is the sexiest.  Be educated, be sexy, be financially stable, and bring all those great qualities to build a great relationship.   But no woman should ever need me, nor do I want her to, as I don't need a woman’s dependence in order to feel good about myself.  I appreciate, and have more respect for a woman who doesn’t need me—but wants me.

K