Deal Breakers in Diapers?!

Situation:  Every now and then we receive topic requests, and recently one in particular has kept coming up – DATING PEOPLE WITH KIDS!  *grabs fork and knife* We are ready to go in!

She Says:

*scratches forehead*

Let me first put my info out there: I do not have kids, nor do I want kids anytime soon for the following reasons: they suck money out of everything; I am not married; a kid would impose huge restrictions and cause a major loss of freedom during my 20s life; I am not married; they suck the money out of everything (I am aware that I’d already stated the last two—so you understand how strongly I feel about them).  Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to my thoughts!

Nowadays, it is extremely rare to find someone who is single and on the dating scene, yet does not have children. More often than not I am asked “How many kids do you have?” Though, I think the more appropriate question to be posed should be “Do you have any children?” There is an automatic assumption that everyone has kids, and that should not be assumed; it’s not true.  There are some single girls out there who are not baby mommas. Would I prefer to date a kid-less bachelor? OF COURSE!  However, am I strictly opposed to dating someone with kids? NO!

My preference to date men without children is rooted in the fact that there is one less layer to go through. I don’t want to have to deal with any complicated family situations or baby mommas. For example, I definitely could not see myself dating a man with three kids by five women. Frankly, it says to me that you are irresponsible in making your life choices--unless that was your goal all along and you will obviously still get a side eye from me. 

I once went on a date and I asked the gentleman if he had any kids. His response – “Yea I have two kids, but you don’t have to worry about them. I don’t see them on the regular.” O_O Excuse me sir, what did you just say? That response was so gut wrenching that it quickly canceled any chance he had with me. Gentlemen, it is not an acceptable dating technique to openly--and almost proudly--admit that you are a deadbeat dad. On the flip side, if you do have children and you are an amazing, loving father--that speaks very highly of your character, and should be a good sign for any woman who chooses to date you.

So, in a nutshell, from my point-of-view, having  one or more kids is not a deal breaker, but it is not a preference either…

A

He Says:

*scratches bald head*

A and I are best friends for a reason.  I am not interested in having kids either.  I love kids when I can give them back.  I want to get married, but I also want to be able to have a tad bit of freedom in my life.  Having a child would definitely put a roadblock in my financial and social freedom.

With that being said, I think I would be open to dating someone with a child.  But I would be so restrictive about everything that it may not make sense to even waste the woman’s time.  I am very picky to begin with.  Having a child will cause me to be even more anal about any and everything that this jawn would have going on in her life.  Unfortunately, in this day, when you meet a single woman there is a good chance that she has a child or children.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking any young lady out there who has a child, but there would have to be some ground rules set before I freely date you (smashing is a different story right?)

For me there are some things that allow a woman with kids to get the deuces.  First, ladies do not allow your children to ruin your life to the point that you lose your sexiness.  I was once being entertained by an older lady that had a little 3 year old son.  The kid was a cute little terror to say the least.  Also, ladies, if you are trying to keep a man in your life, don’t invite him to your house if you can’t keep your ish clean.  I never want to walk into someone’s house and have to trip over toys and step over dirty tightey whiteys.  At the end of the day, your child should be a reflection of you---not vice versa.  I don’t want to deal with a woman that can’t control their child.  If you can’t handle your child you can’t handle yourself.  That’s my thought and I’m sticking to it.

Secondly, ladies if you have not fully separated yourself emotionally and sexually from the father of your child, don't bring that junk up in here.  I'm not really interested in dealing with your drama, your kid’s drama, and some other man’s drama.  Most women end up smashing the father of their child even after they have finished dealing with each other.  I know a woman who still smashes her “baby daddy”.  Problem is, the child is now 25 and she has been married for 19 years.  Like really jawn, at some point you got to give it up!  Being emotionally tied to a child is one thing; but being emotionally tied to the situation that created that child is unacceptable in my book. 

For me, if I have a choice I am not going to go and seek a woman with a child.  And unfortunately, if you have a child, most men are going to smash you and never look to move the relationship to the next level.  (Thought to self: if I am ever out on the dating scene, I’ll stick to the cougars.  They got a little extra money saved up and their kids have hopefully already finished college.  That way, I don't have to worry about the extra drama from the child and I can get all the yams I want!)           

K

Quench Your Thirst

Situtation: The thirst…OH THE GOD DAMN THIRST!

DRINK UP!

She Says:

Thirst (thûrst) –noun

1. A sensation of dryness in the mouth and throat caused by need of liquid.

2. The physical condition resulting from this need, in any of various degrees

3. Strong or eager desire; craving: a thirst for knowledge.

Ahhh! Good ‘ol dictionary.com never fails me. I wanted to put the definition of thirst out on Front Street. The sex/relationship/love/marriage struggle is real in these here streets. Trust me I know. However, epic failures in the dating arena are pushing people over the edge and quite honestly, THE THIRST IS SLAYING ME.   

Women are often easily and erratically labeled as thirsty because of the ratio of women to men; since women outnumber men so drastically in the dating scene the female thirst seems more apparent. But let’s just get this straight: the thirst is not exclusive to one sex; both men and women are guilty of this horrendous behavior. Confused on what thirsty behavior is? Let me explain.

If you have ever:

1. Sent a crazy letter expressing your love for someone--even after they have told you, “Thanks, but no thanks!” several times; you might be thirsty!

2. Kept making unanswered requests for dates and professing your love to your pregnant wife’s Soror, then you might be thirsty!

3. Found yourself constantly coming out of pocket to save the object of your affection from his or her problems, yet they will not even loan you a penny to scratch your lottery ticket; yeah, you are thirsty! 

4. Been studying to be a doctor and then stopped going to medical school because your new boo only had a GED and you did not want to intimidate them--yup, you guessed it: ya ass is thirsty!

5. As a grown man soliciting for Baby Mommas in your Facebook status, you need help. I recently saw a status that asked: “If u were paid 1,000 dollars to make a baby for someone would you do it just asking!” O_O…. We have a problem: YOU ARE F^CKING DEHYRDATED!

Thirst could be avoided if people simply understood that it exists because the affection they’re expressing is not mutual. It is perpetuated by men and women who have such a strong desire to be with someone, nay anyone, that they often lose sight of themselves. If you know someone who exhibits this behavior, please--I beg of you--sit him or her down, grab a blanket, wrap it around them and offer them some Gatorade or H2O. Make them drink until their thirst is quenched. It is your moral obligation as a friend to save them because Friends Don’t Let Friends…. 

A

He Says:

Ladies and Gentleman, The Thirst gets real on these here streets.  Since I have only ever dealt with women, I will speak on the thirsty female jawns that exist out here.  Ladies, your thirstiness is annoying and offensive to us; and outright embarrassing for you.  I honestly, in my heart, feel bad for the extent that some of you will go to for the attention of a man.  I have found myself consistently on the receiving end of thirsty actions.  As a younger man, I thought that only crazy women were capable of being thirsty.  But as I have grown up a little bit, I have come to the conclusion that even the most educated, well put-together woman can have a dry well and act out on it.   

There are a few different kinds of thirsty jawns that I would like to present.  Men please keep your eyes open for these women and proceed with caution:   

1. Thirsty jawn #1 is the one that is thirsty for you to wife her.  Normally, there are no visible signs of the thirst until after you have explained to her that the two of you are just friends.  However, generally this type of woman does not want to accept that there is no chance of things ever progressing, and that she is permanently in the friend zone.  Instead, this culprit will proceed to text, call, email, FB, and tweet you, expressing her love and affection for you on a regular basis, in hopes that you will change your mind. To this end, I have a word of advice to the women out there who may fall into this category:  a man is not going to leave his wife for you.  He might smash you, but he is not coming to wife you.  It’s just not going to happen.  My advice is ---either learn to be his BFF or learn to be his jump-off; because in all honesty---anything else would be uncivilized. 

2. Thirsty jawn #2 is the one that is itching for the D.  Man. Something about your tongue or your Phallus has caused this poor woman to go into a trance.  She is thinking about you banging her out on a daily basis, and is doing any and everything she can to bring this to fruition.  The problem is this makes her come off as an effin nut job.  Case in point—ma’am, please don’t send me a picture of your cooch while I’m working on an excel spreadsheet at the office (especially if I told you that you needed to wash that sh*t in the first place). Look, if I wanted to bang you again---you would know.  After a while, your constant sexual advances just become annoying.  After a year of begging and pleading, you should be clear on the fact that meeting you at Brown’s Motel at your request is not in my plan of action for the day.  Go buy yourself a vibrator and some baby wipes---and have a good night!

3. Thirsty jawn #3 is the most deadly of all.  This is the woman that you won’t smash and you won’t wife, so she is now intent on destroying your life.  Thirsty jawn #1 and 2 each have the capacity to turn into #3 if their advances are not cut off in a timely fashion. This jawn will slash your tires because you won’t love her; or will try to permanently f*ck up your relationship because you won’t leave your girl for her.  Unfortunately this woman will go to any and every extreme to wreak havoc in your life, and when she doesn’t get what she wants; her vindictiveness can cause even more damage.  I once had a woman fabricate a whole story about me smashing her and tell it to a girlfriend; the events in the story never happened.  At the end of the day, these women are not to be messed with.  They are thirsty AND out to kill your dreams and take your life.

At the end of the day ladies, your thirsty behavior has got to stop.  It is neither healthy for you nor the poor men you are affecting.  As a caring soul, I want to tell you how much of a fool you appear to be when you involve yourself in inappropriate activities based on thirst. So do me a favor---go grab yourself some water and end the drought; because neither I, nor the other men of the world, have the time or the inclination to quench it for you.   

K

Gone for a Minute...

As you may (or may not) have noticed: as of late, our weekly wit and whimsy have been absent from the blogosphere. We miss entertaining you (and each other), but we're off living the lives we're committed to when we're not blogging. Big changes are on the horizon for both of us that we may (or may not) share in the future. We'll be back on the grind next week, furiously typing and posting our answers to the tough life questions you love us for putting out there on the table for all to address :-).

A & K

Sound the Damn Alarms!

Situation:

It happens all the time. The statistics are astounding. Every second 2,000 women receive communication from their exes, just as they are getting comfortable with the next guy.  (No, that is not the actual statistic, but you get the point.)


She Says:

I am always amazed at the uncanny ability of the male species to always pop back up just when you are moving on with someone else in your life. You are spending time with your new guy, laughing at his jokes, flirting uncontrollably, gushing about him to your friends, holed up in his brownstone in NY--and then, all of a sudden, here come the ghosts of boyfriends past. Like clockwork you start to receive random telegraphs, text messages, Morse code signals, phone calls, tweets, FB messages, and smoke signals. Every single time the possibility exists that you might be happy with the next dude, ex boyfriends, boos, ex smangers--or whatever-- start falling out the sky, bringing with them profound confessions of love and admiration for you.  EXCUSE ME SIR, PLEASE GO THAT WAY! =======>Yes, all the way over there!

I want to know how they know that you are happy with someone else. I really want/need to know this because the timing of the reappearance of ex boyfriends, boos, ex smangers--or whatever--is more accurately timed than Bin Laden’s killing. It is my theory (and I really believe it to be true) that when you engage in physical contact with men they implant a homing device in you, and that when there is a “threat” that may compromise their position with their “girl” it triggers an alarm. When the alarm is activated, it then transmits radio waves or some other form of alert that simply states “DANGER: P*SSY ON THE MOVE.”

Stop laughing and think about it. It makes logical sense. Men have a small window of opportunity to resurface in this woman’s life before the deed to the p*ssy is transferred to the new guy. So the random telegraph, text message, Morse code signal, phone call, tweet, FB message, or smoke signal is the last ditch effort to claim stake as a joint tenant of the p*ssy. Makes sense don’t it?!

This is one of life’s great mysteries. How can men sense they have lost their p*ssy privileges? The world may never know.

A

He Says:

Every woman has an innate gift that is called “The Woman’s Intuition”.  This instinct allows a woman to feel it internally when a ninja is doing something wrong.  It is a beautiful quality that, oddly enough, usually gives women the correct notions about male behavior. 

Please allow me to explain how men have a more powerful and deadly intuition that, though not as widely recognized, has been messing up the lives of women young and old for years.  I like to call it simply, “The Cheeks Intuition”.   It is that feeling that a guy gets when he is on the verge of losing the hold on the cakes to another dude.  Ladies, we are not stalking you and we normally don’t know when you are even dealing with another ninja.  There is a trigger inside of us that tells us when the cheeks are about to be annihilated by someone else.  And being the true ninjas that we are, we will seek to destroy any chances that this other brother might have of getting on smash time.  Every man has this instinct and, unfortunately, most will act on it; normally initiating it through the use of the random text.

There are two types of approaches to re-claiming the cheeks. With the first approach, the dude will come hard at you.  He will try to see you, and smash you within the first week of this feeling gripping him.  He will not take the chance that he might lose “ownership” of the cheeks.  (And yes ladies I did say ownership.  Most dudes, once they smash multiple times, feel that those cheeks are theirs for life.  It is a messed up reality, but it is reality nonetheless.)  His hope is that if he works the cheeks well enough, you will forget about giving it up to this other dude, and that he will still have ties to you.  With the second approach, the dude will be a silent killer.  This guy is the gentleman.  He will reach out and have meaningful conversations with you; act as though he cares about your well being and happiness with the new guy; and connect with you emotionally on the things that you feel you are missing.  All the while, he is breaking down your guard and waiting for the perfect storm of emotional vulnerability.  Then, and only then, will he pounce and snatch the cheeks!   

There are many outcomes that can come to fruition as a result of a man’s experiencing The Cheeks Intuition; the majority of which end up causing confusion, stress and pain for the young lady involved.  But at the conclusion the young lad is proud, for he has used his prowess to grab hold of the cheeks one mo’ time.

K

Baltimore: The Greatest City in America?!?!

Situation:

Recently, our hometown of Baltimore received negative national attention– AGAIN! The latest Baltimore feature was the video of a brawl in a McDonald’s restaurant, where two teenage girls beat a transgender woman until she went into seizures; the video quickly went viral. Though the recent events that have plagued Baltimore are horrific, Baltimore is still a great big little city! 

Ahhh, Bmore!

She Says:

Yet again, Baltimore is in the national spotlight for awful reasons, adding to the growing stigma of Baltimore as an unsafe city. It is extremely disheartening that Baltimore is always portrayed in this fashion and rarely highlighted for anything positive. Baltimore has a lot of charm that very often gets overlooked in favor of showcasing its gritty alter ego.  Baltimore is more than beating s, drugs, and the Inner Harbor. Let me tell you how:

1. Crabs -- Where else can you get steamed crabs, soft shell crabs, and crab cakes both easily and cost effectively? I would be willing to wager that a crab cake from the local carryout is better than those in some 4 or 5 star restaurants in other cities. One of the best ways to spend the summers in Bmore is to grab a few friends, head to the harbor, sip beer and eat freshly steamed blue crabs on the dock!

2. Free Festivals – I know many cities host free festivals. However the charm of Baltimore’s summer festivals is that they are ethnic in focus: African-American, Polish, Greek, Hispanic, Caribbean, and more. Often these events feature major national recording artists as entertainment.  In addition to those that are ethnically themed, you can also attend events like Artscape and the Baltimore Book festival. (I can’t wait for summer!)

3. Great Neighborhoods – Baltimore has many quirky and fun neighborhoods like Canton, Hampden, Mount Vernon, and Fells Point. Venturing out in these neighborhoods is a nice weekend activity due to all the cool eateries and boutiques. However – beware that you don’t go too far out of the boundary of the neighborhood. In Baltimore, you are just 3 blocks away from the hood at all times!  

Another thing you’ll note once you venture into Baltimore’s neighborhoods and communities, and interact with their inhabitants, is the rivalry that perpetually exists between those residing on the East Side vs. those that live on the West Side. There is no competition in my mind, of course—the west side is better. If I am going to hike over to the east side, then I might as well keep going up 95 and head to Philly!

4. Lexington Market – Ohh there is nothing on earth that compares to the World Famous Lexington Market. I don’t even think that I can fully describe the atmosphere, but let me try. You can get one of the best crab cakes on earth at Faidley’s,  then venture outside and watch crack head magic tricks. You will see a crack head, as high as a kite, do a lean better than MJ himself (#ripMJ), all while holding their jumbo half and half—never falling or spilling one drop of their beverage. Oh, and there’s no need to be afraid of this phenomenon; the Lexington Market crack head is a peaceful creature.

Baltimore truly is a great city when the weather is warm :). Now, if only someone could provide stable nightlife for the city! *deep sigh*

A

He Says:

I love my city. There is something beautiful about being able to still be proud of a town that is best known for murders, STDs, and good Heroin. But alas, I will tell you about three of the wonderful things I most enjoy about my city:

1. Baltimore Club Music - Club music is the staple sound of Bmore culture; it is the sound of the people in this city. I remember being a little kid and sneaking my headphones into my room so I could listen to Frank Ski mix during the late night shift on V-103FM. Over the years, our music has spread outside of Baltimore, and up and down the east coast, but it remains native to us. One note of caution: make sure to watch out if you are in the club when it comes on. There’s a possibility you may get elbowed, stabbed or impregnated. (R.I.P Miss Tony and K-Swift.)

2. Norma Jean’s/Eldorado’s - I know some of you folks in upper class urban cities like Atlanta think y’all have the best “skrippers”, but there is nothing in the world like seeing a mother “butter ball” naked on the pole. I would venture to say that Baltimore might have the most amazing looking strippers on the east coast. Not to mention the unique excitement of knowing you’re going into an establishment where you will most certainly see a woman fully tatted, with fresh stretch marks and gold teeth; only in my city can you look this way and still get enough money to support 4 kids!

3. Korean Fried Chicken - I know, I know--some of you folks believe that the best fried chicken is from Popeye’s or KFC. But, being the fried chicken connoisseur that I am, I have to let you know (and this may be shocking) that you have not had the best fried chicken until you have been to a hood establishment in this here great city of Baltimore. My Korean brothers and sisters have truly mastered the delicate art of frying the chicken wang. Head on over to Royal’s in The Village, or down to Super’s at Lexington Market and Mrs. Kim will bless you with the best fried chicken of your life!

Baltimore is, in fact, a wonderful place for family and friends to enjoy each other. From the outside it may not seem that our city has much to offer, but there is so much here to enjoy. Now that you know where to go and what to do, buy your bullet proof vest and condoms, then head out and enjoy my city. And remember, eat the crabs--don’t let the crabs eat you!

K

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