Sound the Damn Alarms!

It happens all the time. The statistics are astounding. Every second 2,000 women receive communication from their exes, just as they are getting comfortable with the next guy.  (No, that is not the actual statistic, but you get the point.)

She Says:
I am always amazed at the uncanny ability of the male species to always pop back up just when you are moving on with someone else in your life. You are spending time with your new guy, laughing at his jokes, flirting uncontrollably, gushing about him to your friends, holed up in his brownstone in NY--and then, all of a sudden, here come the ghosts of boyfriends past. Like clockwork you start to receive random telegraphs, text messages, Morse code signals, phone calls, tweets, FB messages, and smoke signals. Every single time the possibility exists that you might be happy with the next dude, ex boyfriends, boos, ex smangers--or whatever-- start falling out the sky, bringing with them profound confessions of love and admiration for you.  EXCUSE ME SIR, PLEASE GO THAT WAY! =======>Yes, all the way over there!
I want to know how they know that you are happy with someone else. I really want/need to know this because the timing of the reappearance of ex boyfriends, boos, ex smangers--or whatever--is more accurately timed than Bin Laden’s killing. It is my theory (and I really believe it to be true) that when you engage in physical contact with men they implant a homing device in you, and that when there is a “threat” that may compromise their position with their “girl” it triggers an alarm. When the alarm is activated, it then transmits radio waves or some other form of alert that simply states “DANGER: P*SSY ON THE MOVE.”
Stop laughing and think about it. It makes logical sense. Men have a small window of opportunity to resurface in this woman’s life before the deed to the p*ssy is transferred to the new guy. So the random telegraph, text message, Morse code signal, phone call, tweet, FB message, or smoke signal is the last ditch effort to claim stake as a joint tenant of the p*ssy. Makes sense don’t it?!
This is one of life’s great mysteries. How can men sense they have lost their p*ssy privileges? The world may never know.

He Says:
Every woman has an innate gift that is called “The Woman’s Intuition”.  This instinct allows a woman to feel it internally when a ninja is doing something wrong.  It is a beautiful quality that, oddly enough, usually gives women the correct notions about male behavior. 
Please allow me to explain how men have a more powerful and deadly intuition that, though not as widely recognized, has been messing up the lives of women young and old for years.  I like to call it simply, “The Cheeks Intuition”.   It is that feeling that a guy gets when he is on the verge of losing the hold on the cakes to another dude.  Ladies, we are not stalking you and we normally don’t know when you are even dealing with another ninja.  There is a trigger inside of us that tells us when the cheeks are about to be annihilated by someone else.  And being the true ninjas that we are, we will seek to destroy any chances that this other brother might have of getting on smash time.  Every man has this instinct and, unfortunately, most will act on it; normally initiating it through the use of the random text.
There are two types of approaches to re-claiming the cheeks. With the first approach, the dude will come hard at you.  He will try to see you, and smash you within the first week of this feeling gripping him.  He will not take the chance that he might lose “ownership” of the cheeks.  (And yes ladies I did say ownership.  Most dudes, once they smash multiple times, feel that those cheeks are theirs for life.  It is a messed up reality, but it is reality nonetheless.)  His hope is that if he works the cheeks well enough, you will forget about giving it up to this other dude, and that he will still have ties to you.  With the second approach, the dude will be a silent killer.  This guy is the gentleman.  He will reach out and have meaningful conversations with you; act as though he cares about your well being and happiness with the new guy; and connect with you emotionally on the things that you feel you are missing.  All the while, he is breaking down your guard and waiting for the perfect storm of emotional vulnerability.  Then, and only then, will he pounce and snatch the cheeks!   
There are many outcomes that can come to fruition as a result of a man’s experiencing The Cheeks Intuition; the majority of which end up causing confusion, stress and pain for the young lady involved.  But at the conclusion the young lad is proud, for he has used his prowess to grab hold of the cheeks one mo’ time.


Carrie said...

As always A & K, yall are a bunch of damn fools! THIS!!!!!!!! hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

this so unfortunate yet true... I always wondered what it was.... But what does it mean when you never gave them the "cheeks" but they always reappear?

Anonymous said...

LMAO A YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!! 'P... on the MOVE'???? LMAO!!!! LMAO K!!! 'Cheeks Intuition'??? WOW!!!! OMG!!!! Were you in my life yesterday or what??!!! This just happened to me! EX randomly called me out of the blue!!! I have not spoken with this dude in months! Almost a year actually! Here is the kicker though LOL he called me because he wanted me to do something for him. "Help him out" .... MAN PLEASE!!!! After I politely shut his ass down and hung up the phone all I could do is laugh and say to myself "This wack mutha****** had the nerve to call as ask me for somethinng after not speaking to me for months!!" Man he is glad that I have grown because had this been about 5 years ago I would have lit his ass up! You two are too on point with this one!

Andre said...

Bout damn time! Yall can't be taking breaks like that damn!

But this post right here, let me tell yall! Thats some of the best cheeks you will ever get from a women when you interject into the new relationsip, b/c she super dumb horny! Homeboy did all the work already got her warmed up and you get effort free smash time! GOT DAMN that is the best pussy (sorry A I don't censor)!

Like she gonna give it to you becasue you familiar dick! She aint got to increase her numbers lol...if you give it to her right new dude don't stand a damn chance and you will never lose the pussy!

K said...

@anon- The cheek intuition works in mysterious ways. A man knows when you are sexually vulnerable---doesnt matter if you giving the cheeks to someone else or not. The radar will ring lol.

@Andre- Preach! hahaha hilarious!

A said...

@Carrie -- Thanks!

@Anon -- girl who knows, but men just have this way. Not even gonna front I have too have been a victim of "The Cheeks Intutition"

@Andre -- my fav commenter! THAT IS HILARIOUS! Your honesty is always hilarity! hahahaha


Don't be fooled. There are women who posess the same sort of radar when it comes to securing territory (i.e. penis). I won't call any names...

K said...

@Onefabmama- I know the women you speak of. They are a special breed. But dudes dont complain about these women lol

Ashley said...

SMH...all I can do is read and laugh. As always, everyone is on point. And I LIVE for Andre's comments!

TheDefinitionofFabulous-DCBJ said...

“DANGER: P*SSY ON THE MOVE.” DEAD *_________________* Time of Death: 9:21 am on 05/20/11.

Seriously though, this brings to light a serious point: When we have severed our ties, like when a women gets her tubes tied to prevent more chidren, there is ALWAYS an opportunity for a soldier with the right amount of determination, direction and motility to screw up the plans.

Whether he has attached his GPS to you, or whether his Cheeks Alert permeates the clouds in the sky like Batman's call to action, you determine how important moving on to you really is.

We all like to think about the good times. "Break up to Make up, that's all we do. First you love me, then you hate me, that's a game for two." And being real, the sex always seems to be better when you aren't "together"- but how would you know that if you had erected the impenetrable Wall of Woman protecting the Cheeks/P*ssy. Sadly, all of us have fallen victim to the Trojan Horse like the Roman's (pun totally intended)- and that will all but certainly spell disaster for the civilization we are trying to cultivate with our new mate.

I say, F*CK A RANDOM @SS TEXT. KEEP IT MOVING. He gave up his claim, and you have, like Jay-Z moved "On to the Next One."

Anonymous said...

A, I'm always amazed too! It happens to me all the time...hell it happened to me last week! Glad to know I'm not alone and I didnt make it up in my head. LOL!


Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

OMG I know I am super late but that post honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is so true. LOL I must say myself that men are to funny with that crap. I mean really just when you’re in a new relationship and happy doing you ####POW#### her comes last month’s news that didn’t make this week’s paper. UGGG ~~~EBONY

Eb said...

FINALLY! No more unannounced breaks...please and thanks.

Ummmm...this post gave me life! I had to send it to my homegirl bc we were just talking about this. Ninjas coming out the blue, JUST when you start talking to some one new. The best though is when 'cheeks intuition' kicks in a little too late for the old dude, and the new dude has already successfully snatched the goods, and your reply to the 'random text' is 'Too little too late n*gga, he done already wore this p*ssy out' #justsayin

Anonymous said...

Oh snap! This was great!

We better have a post on Monday, Tuesday at the latest! Y'all funny!


holly_istic_ism said...

well,well its like we had a convo/round table discussion about my ex.. Its really confusing while in it, but outside the situation its straight comical.. Love the blog and keep on with the realness!!!!!

A said...

Y'all are too funny! These comments have me rolling!!!

Anonymous said...

what a great post! my friend sent me the link! I really enjoyed this! Hope to have a new post soon!

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