Situation:
When a woman has decided she wants to be in a relationship, she begins to target it with laser point focus. Yet, often times while she is dating, she’ll fail to pay attention to certain signs from her suitors that clearly caution that perhaps this person is not in the same place she’s in. Let’s examine some of these signs:
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Let’s face it: not everyone dates with the intention of getting into a committed relationship. And that’s okay—as long as both people are on the same page. Issues occur when one person (usually the woman) wants a monogamous relationship, while the other party (usually the male) wants to continue to see several people. There are some key ways to tell that a man is not ready for a relationship. He is not ready to commit—at least not to you--if:
1. He lies – Should you over hear the guy you’re dating lie to anyone—whether it’s his boss, his grandmother, his homeboy or his little sister: run! It doesn’t matter how small or how big the lie. If he tells lies in any aspect of his life—especially important areas like his job; he will lie to you too (if he hasn’t already). One of the keys to a successful partnership is honesty so you want to be sure you’re with someone who can be open.
2. He asks “What is your fantasy?” – Yes, many couples do eventually have this conversation, and it’s perfectly healthy—after their commitment is solid, and they have already experimented and are now looking for additional ways to add spice to the relationship. If a man starts to inquire about your fantasies within the first few weeks of dating, or prior to committing to you—he is not looking for a relationship; he is looking to have fun, and feeling you out to find out just how far he can get you to go. Don’t fall for it. And don’t let him get anything on video. Just saying.
3. He makes excuses for or flat out says “no” to family gatherings, work events or social gatherings with your closest friends - He doesn't want to attend, because he doesn’t want to give the wrong idea about his allegiance to you to any of the important people in your life. Ironically in this case, he’s doing you a favor; his not attending will save you from being embarrassed for not realizing what becomes immediately and glaringly obvious to everyone else, and from having the awkward “what happened to so and so?” conversation later on.
4. He does anything other than CALL you to acknowledge your birthday and other holidays - A man who values you and sees you as relationship potential will properly acknowledge occasions that are special to you. He will not tweet, text, FB or bbm you (especially not including you in a broadcast bbm message! Getting one of these on a holiday means your level of importance to him is about on par with that of his old college professor whose number he never deleted out of his phone.) If you are important to him, he will call. Period. Anything additional will be a bonus and show that he continued to think about you.
5. He fails to do anything with you for your birthday or the holidays - Even if there's no gift exchange, he will give you his time if you are important to him. Even if holidays are not a big deal to him, he will extend himself for you.
6. He talks about making a date, but never makes one - If he consistently sends messages that he wants to see you and is going to make a date--but never actually does, he is trying to keep you hanging on. This is in case he decides he does want to see you or sleep with you in the future (whenever he's not with whatever other women he's seeing). His desire is to make sure you remain open to it. It's kind of like sticking your foot in the front door right before you leave your apartment, just to make sure there isn't anything else inside that you want or need before the door locks behind you and you can't just walk right back in. There’s less effort that way, right?
7. You’ve been to his home several times and never seen the entire place - If you have been to a man’s home and only seen the kitchen, bathroom and his bedroom (unless he lives in a studio or a one-bedroom), you may not have a future with him. It seems like such a small thing, but a man who is interested in pursuing a relationship with you will include you in the little things too. He'll give you a tour of his home because (1) it’s the polite thing to do when you have a guest—so if he’s already thrown common courtesies out the window, well… (2) he wants you to know what he's all about or (3) he wants you to be impressed by the smell of rich mahogany and his many leather-bound books. Whatever the reason, if you’re getting escorted from the front door to the bedroom and back to the sidewalk, with maybe a glass of water in-between; I think you know what kind of situation you’ve got on your hands.
These are general signs, and by no means is it an exhaustive list; there will always be other idiosyncrasies that are unique to the personality of the individual. So it is no longer enough to just beware of him only calling or texting you during "booty call" hours; serial daters have learned to use more subtle tactics to keep you around for as long as possible without giving you what you want. There are also exceptions to every rule; it's just important to pay attention to everything the man you're dating is doing and saying to be sure those things are aligned with each other--and in line with what you want to result from your interaction with him. The bottom line though, is that if a man wants a relationship with you, he will make it crystal clear. If you’re not sure, ask. If you’re still unclear--buy a shiny new lip gloss, hit the gym or visit the nail salon; do whatever you need to do to look and feel your best so you can move on to snag another potential bf.
KJ
KJ pens fashion, beauty and lifestyle articles on her personal blog, Chic Mommy, Cool Kid; and co-authors a women’s empowerment blog, Peace Love and Pretty Things. She is also our fabulous editor here at Friends Don't Let Friends.
