Quench Your Thirst

Situtation: The thirst…OH THE GOD DAMN THIRST!

DRINK UP!

She Says:

Thirst (thûrst) –noun

1. A sensation of dryness in the mouth and throat caused by need of liquid.

2. The physical condition resulting from this need, in any of various degrees

3. Strong or eager desire; craving: a thirst for knowledge.

Ahhh! Good ‘ol dictionary.com never fails me. I wanted to put the definition of thirst out on Front Street. The sex/relationship/love/marriage struggle is real in these here streets. Trust me I know. However, epic failures in the dating arena are pushing people over the edge and quite honestly, THE THIRST IS SLAYING ME.   

Women are often easily and erratically labeled as thirsty because of the ratio of women to men; since women outnumber men so drastically in the dating scene the female thirst seems more apparent. But let’s just get this straight: the thirst is not exclusive to one sex; both men and women are guilty of this horrendous behavior. Confused on what thirsty behavior is? Let me explain.

If you have ever:

1. Sent a crazy letter expressing your love for someone--even after they have told you, “Thanks, but no thanks!” several times; you might be thirsty!

2. Kept making unanswered requests for dates and professing your love to your pregnant wife’s Soror, then you might be thirsty!

3. Found yourself constantly coming out of pocket to save the object of your affection from his or her problems, yet they will not even loan you a penny to scratch your lottery ticket; yeah, you are thirsty! 

4. Been studying to be a doctor and then stopped going to medical school because your new boo only had a GED and you did not want to intimidate them--yup, you guessed it: ya ass is thirsty!

5. As a grown man soliciting for Baby Mommas in your Facebook status, you need help. I recently saw a status that asked: “If u were paid 1,000 dollars to make a baby for someone would you do it just asking!” O_O…. We have a problem: YOU ARE F^CKING DEHYRDATED!

Thirst could be avoided if people simply understood that it exists because the affection they’re expressing is not mutual. It is perpetuated by men and women who have such a strong desire to be with someone, nay anyone, that they often lose sight of themselves. If you know someone who exhibits this behavior, please--I beg of you--sit him or her down, grab a blanket, wrap it around them and offer them some Gatorade or H2O. Make them drink until their thirst is quenched. It is your moral obligation as a friend to save them because Friends Don’t Let Friends…. 

A

He Says:

Ladies and Gentleman, The Thirst gets real on these here streets.  Since I have only ever dealt with women, I will speak on the thirsty female jawns that exist out here.  Ladies, your thirstiness is annoying and offensive to us; and outright embarrassing for you.  I honestly, in my heart, feel bad for the extent that some of you will go to for the attention of a man.  I have found myself consistently on the receiving end of thirsty actions.  As a younger man, I thought that only crazy women were capable of being thirsty.  But as I have grown up a little bit, I have come to the conclusion that even the most educated, well put-together woman can have a dry well and act out on it.   

There are a few different kinds of thirsty jawns that I would like to present.  Men please keep your eyes open for these women and proceed with caution:   

1. Thirsty jawn #1 is the one that is thirsty for you to wife her.  Normally, there are no visible signs of the thirst until after you have explained to her that the two of you are just friends.  However, generally this type of woman does not want to accept that there is no chance of things ever progressing, and that she is permanently in the friend zone.  Instead, this culprit will proceed to text, call, email, FB, and tweet you, expressing her love and affection for you on a regular basis, in hopes that you will change your mind. To this end, I have a word of advice to the women out there who may fall into this category:  a man is not going to leave his wife for you.  He might smash you, but he is not coming to wife you.  It’s just not going to happen.  My advice is ---either learn to be his BFF or learn to be his jump-off; because in all honesty---anything else would be uncivilized. 

2. Thirsty jawn #2 is the one that is itching for the D.  Man. Something about your tongue or your Phallus has caused this poor woman to go into a trance.  She is thinking about you banging her out on a daily basis, and is doing any and everything she can to bring this to fruition.  The problem is this makes her come off as an effin nut job.  Case in point—ma’am, please don’t send me a picture of your cooch while I’m working on an excel spreadsheet at the office (especially if I told you that you needed to wash that sh*t in the first place). Look, if I wanted to bang you again---you would know.  After a while, your constant sexual advances just become annoying.  After a year of begging and pleading, you should be clear on the fact that meeting you at Brown’s Motel at your request is not in my plan of action for the day.  Go buy yourself a vibrator and some baby wipes---and have a good night!

3. Thirsty jawn #3 is the most deadly of all.  This is the woman that you won’t smash and you won’t wife, so she is now intent on destroying your life.  Thirsty jawn #1 and 2 each have the capacity to turn into #3 if their advances are not cut off in a timely fashion. This jawn will slash your tires because you won’t love her; or will try to permanently f*ck up your relationship because you won’t leave your girl for her.  Unfortunately this woman will go to any and every extreme to wreak havoc in your life, and when she doesn’t get what she wants; her vindictiveness can cause even more damage.  I once had a woman fabricate a whole story about me smashing her and tell it to a girlfriend; the events in the story never happened.  At the end of the day, these women are not to be messed with.  They are thirsty AND out to kill your dreams and take your life.

At the end of the day ladies, your thirsty behavior has got to stop.  It is neither healthy for you nor the poor men you are affecting.  As a caring soul, I want to tell you how much of a fool you appear to be when you involve yourself in inappropriate activities based on thirst. So do me a favor---go grab yourself some water and end the drought; because neither I, nor the other men of the world, have the time or the inclination to quench it for you.   

K