Ray-J: A Real R&B Thug!

Situation: Unless you were living under a rock yesterday, you heard the Ray-J interview with the Breakfast Club on 105.1 in NYC. We must say that it was highly entertaining. Of course we couldn’t let this slip by…

He Says:

I was definitely a doubter… and I never thought I would say this ever in my life…but---William Raymond Norwood Jr. is a real ninja. Not one of them fake ninjas, but a true thug. I think he said it best with, “Ninjas saying Ray J got beat up?? I socked that ninja in the face!”

For those who may not know what I am speaking of, let me fill you in. Fabolous and Ray-J got into a slight altercation this weekend over some twitter jokes. For those of you who might not know just how thorough William is, let me help you understand through the lens of the greatest interview in radio history—which went down yesterday morning, and during which Ray-J was completely spazzing on Fabolous. He actually told another grown man never to touch down on the west coast. That means Fabolous can’t even go visit Rancho Cucamonga without the goons coming out on him. Now go ahead and tell me that’s not thug life right there!

William further proceeded to tell Fabolous that he would find the goons that like dudes to rape him. Now I don’t know about the rest of the FDLF family, but all thugs I know definitely have goons at the ready to butt rape their enemies. That’s how they get down in the streets.

A lot of you might still be questioning my man William’s gangsta. So let me remind you of a few last things: he “got a indoor pool and a outdoor pool.” He “don’t drive no mutha f’n 97 GT!” And if you want to question him one more time---go to his crib and he “will show you all his cars’ pink slips.” Or just ask Kim K.

Dadadada Dayum!

K

She Says:

To say that I thoroughly enjoyed Ray-J’s rant yesterday morning would be an understatement. Ray-J started my previously boring ass Monday morning off with a bang. After listening, my first inclination was to wonder how long it was going to take for momma Sonia to whoop that ass! Lol!

Within minutes of his rant, Ray-J was trending on twitter and had several hash tags attached to his rant like, #PeopleTougherThanRayJ or #ThingsTougherThanRayJ. Black twitter had gone into frenzy! While laughing hysterically at the rant and my timeline alike, I began to think about what the take-a-ways from this whole situation might be. So here are my top 5 lessons to learn from Ray’s epic rant:

1. You Can Get Rich From Reality TV – Ray-J apparently owns 6 Bentleys, 7 Rolls-Royces, 10 Phantoms, 3 Maybachs, 20,000 square foot houses, glass chandeliers, 2 white ponies, a unicorn, and Bubbles (#ripMJ). I mean I was truly impressed that Ray-J had pink slips to all his cars! Way to make worthwhile investments (* rolls eyes *).

2. You Have to Apologize for Being a Broke Ass Bitch – You are broke if you do not have an outdoor and indoor version of every amenity in your home. I am installing an outdoor kitchen tomorrow. Y’all won’t be talking about me, huh!

3. Sending Goons to Rape Others is Acceptable – I did not know it was hot in the streets for men to send other grown men “to bend them over and have them stick it that n*gga’s booty.” OHHH MYY! O_O

4. To Appear Hard, Just Over Enunciate – It appeared to help Ray-J get his point across!!! I have a new respect for the word ‘apologize’.

5. Nick Cannon is Still Corny – While we’re on the subject of wack dudes, I need to say that I really just hate him! Marrying Mariah didn’t help the cause at all. ::shrugs::

The end. Y’all better comment or I will have my goons on y’all bumpers. LOL!

A

C'mon Man, Put Ya D*ck Away!

Situation:

Any woman reading this post will be able to relate. It has happened to all women who have the ability to receive picture mail on their phones -- D*ck Pics!!! What makes the matter worse is that they are always unrequested! FDLF feels it is time to lay down the law on D*ck Pic Etiquette!

Yea, pretty much...that's the normal reaction!

She Says:

Fellas, what the f*ck is up with this ish right here?! Let me first explain that women are not visual creatures like men. We cannot just simply look at a picture and get instantly turned on. D*ck pics elicit one of the following reactions from women: laughter, feeling unimpressed, thinking “ugh”, and on a rare occasion -- DAMN!  However, the fact still remains that an unrequested d*ck pic is not sexy and is a slightly gross turn off.   

In addition to the rudeness of an unrequested d*ck pic, the quality of the pictures is usually downright disrespectful as well. If you are going to send one, make sure it’s a quality, flattering shot of your d*ck! There is an art to taking a good d*ck pic. Here are some tips:

1. Do some penis landscaping. Clean up the area down there. Not only does it look neater, it can make your penis look bigger! When a woman receives a d*ck pic with a damn forest in it, the first thing she thinks about is hair getting caught in her teeth or throat! GROSS!

2. Make sure it is hard!  WTF are we gonna do with flaccid penises?! -__-

3. Angles my friend--it is all about angles. Practice taking the picture at various angles, to find one that displays your member in the best possible way.

4. If you are unsure about your size, zoom might be a good friend for you. It would help to decrease your chances of having the person laugh when receiving the pic.

5. Make sure the sh*t is clean! You would think that this is understood, but some men are just nasty! lol

So if that seems like too much work, it probably is! The moral of the story is....stop sending unrequested d*ck pics!!!! JUST STOP!

A

He Says:  

I have realized that a lot of you ninjas out here are shooting pics on a regular basis.  Not only is that shocking as hell, but it’s damn disturbing.  I swear, chicks are talking every day about how some man that they don't want sent them a cruddy ass picture showing off his phallus.  I am not knocking the hustle, and think you should get in where you fit in---but this stuff has gotta cease.  I am not disturbed with the fact that they are being sent---I am disturbed by the fact that you ninjas are sending out these pictures without them having been requested!  As a man, I will at least wait for a request to come in before I send out a picture of my sh*t.  Most likely I will tell these jawns to “go to hell”, but at least I am being asked for it and not just shooting for fun.  Maybe it’s just my opinion, but if that lady actually wanted to smash you---she would be seeing the real thing and not the picture 

I honestly think that some of these cats completely forget that we live in 2011.  These cats must want to end up being Brett Favre’d.  I ain’t trusting no jawn with a picture of myself.  Most of you cats aren’t sending pics to your wife or girlfriend---you sending them to random jawns number 1-17.  Now when jawn number 6 finds out you smashing her line sister---you will end up exposed World Star Hip Hop style on your local Delta list serve.

While the stories I hear about you negroes doing this shat sound like a fail to me, for you gentleman that decide you want to be the Darius Lovehall of sex pics, I want to give you a few tidbits that might help you in your future endeavors. 

1. Please please don't hit these ladies with the picture of you in the bathroom mirror trying to flex on these heaux.  You are incriminating yourself right there. Trust me, she will be sitting at home laughing at your ass—especially at the dumb ass face you decided to make in the mirror.  Sorry sir, she didn’t ask you for anything---so don't make it any worse. 

2. For all you Baltimore, DC, and Philly cats struggling with that little problem we like to call STDs---I would like to advise you to keep the phallus put away.  I don't think no grown woman is turned on by the sight, Brother. 

3. Finally, and bluntly---if you have nothing to show, just don't show it.  If you are proud of your non-existence, then more power to you.  But I would advise you to keep it to yourself.  Maybe then you might at least get a chance to smash once in the dark. 

At the end of the day, if you think that sending a pic of your dick is getting you the yams---then albeit do you!  But I can tell you, on average, your chances of smashing go down if you sending random jawns these random ass pictures---because most of them don't want them! 

K

Random Gchat Musings

Siutation: KG and I happened to be watching Celebration of Gospel that aired on BET last night. I missed the 1st hour of the show (womp), however the 2nd hour proved to be the topic of our Gchat last night...ENJOY! We will be back with a "normal" post this week!!

AB:   WTF is El Debarge doing now?   I can’t….   Ugh

8:50 PM KG: I don’t know. This whole program took a bad turn with the Kirk Franklin opening.

 AB: Well I missed that. Thank God

8:51 PM KG: Oh that nigga was dougie'n and pop lockin’.

 AB: Howard Hewitt… WTF.  I can’t. I’m done. Back to trash TV.

 KG: LOL

8:53 PM AB: El doesn’t have that “go to church” voice. Where is Tasia?

8:54 PM KG: Yeah El has just been pimped by BET since the awards. LOL

8:55 PM AB: LOL  LOL   It’s like he’s on contract and sh*t... LOL

 KG: hahaha I know. LOL

AB: Ohhh he has a show on BET.  Got it. That makes sense.

 KG: LOL Pimpin’.

 AB: LOL… WTF does Kirk have on? OMG!!!

 KG: LOL LOL LOL LOL…   Classic.

 AB: I can’t!!! He is the WB frog; just shucking and jiving.

 KG: He has country cuffs. I can’t.

9:01 PM AB: I’m done! Like Kirk hasn't done sh*t, and it’s getting more evident now  b/c he dresses like a coon.

9:02 PM KG: I’m still trying to figure out what he has added to this performance…maybe a random "C’mon!"

 AB: He’s done nothing but distract me from a great performance. Did Israel just play him?

 KG: WTF is he screaming

9:03 PM AB: I CAN’T!!!! Israel really just said "Kirk, why don’t you try to sing?" LOL LOL

 KG: LOL LOL LOL

 AB: LOL Hilarity! Finally, Mary Mary! Some good GOSPEL. LOL.  I heard the one in the skirt had a stank attitude.  I don’t know their real names.

 KG: She looks like she might

 AB: s/n: I want that jacket.

 KG: Which?

9:05 PM AB: The whole outfit really…the stank one’s.

 KG: OK--as long as u don’t get the weave, we’re good.

 AB: I want a weave though.

 KG: I'll pull it out.

 AB: Why?

9:06 PM KG: Ugh! Why would you do that to your life?

 AB: I’m sick of my hair. LOL  God I wish I could sing... WTF was that hair in the audience?

 KG: LOL There’s so much coonery in the audience.

9:07 PM AB: LOL… Can they just sing “Yesterday”? I mean, really?

9:08 PM KG: Um sorry, but no. LOL…   This is the ‘hip hop’ Celebration of Gospel.

 AB: Boo! I haven’t felt the spirit on any of those songs. Rance Allen is smooth. You can tell he still pulls old church freaks.  LOL

9:14 PM KG: He always has been. ahahaha

 AB: You know he does with that crisp white hair. The church ladies be making him plates of food. LOL

 KG: Oh, every Sunday he has a plate waiting. LOL

 AB: Look at how light he is on his feet. LOL… And he’s two stepping.

 KG: He’s so big...but he gets around the stage. LOL

9:16 PM AB: Rance Allen got a dunk! Who is the baldy on the left?

 KG: OK, sidebar: all these dudes have on wedding bands, but look hella gay.

AB: SHOCKER!!!! It’s the black church. I’m sure 42.3% of the men in black churches are gay,  but have to front b/c black religious people are crazy.

9:18 PM KG: LOL Is that an ascot or a tie?...LOL I can’t tell! LOL

 AB: An ascot I presume; however I feel some spirit in this song.

**Convo pauses for praise break**

9:21 PM AB: I’m adding this to the download list!

 KG: Yeah great song

9:23 PM AB: that was awesome!!! Bobby Jones equals GAY!

9:33 PM AB: Now they know there are Lane Bryant stores and shit.

  They could have found her a better dress than that tent! I can’t!

 KG: I can’t!!! hahahahah

9:34 PM AB: No..no..no That is inapprop! And it’s an electric blue tent!

 KG: She has room in her arms though. LOL

 AB: Are you going to see that at the UniverSOUL Circus?  Ringling Brothers don’t want that.

 KG: hahahaha

9:35 PM AB: I’m waiting for Kim Burell.

**5 minutes passes**

9:40 PM AB: There are a lot of fat women in Gospel. Why can’t I sing? I wouldn’t have to have a 9 to 5. Damn.

**11 minutes**

9:52 PM AB: Ok Whitney and Kim! Kim dressed nicely--no damn circus tent. WTF

 KG: hahaha Whitney’s stomach! LOL

 AB: Yea looks like she’s off that crack now;  she gained weight. LOL

 KG: Why wear that dress?

9:54 PM AB: She still thinks she's skinny. Spanx could have worked.

9:55 PM KG: LOL

9:56 PM AB: Dammit Bobby Jones! Really? I want to learn how to do the church two step.

 KG: LOL LOL

 AB: That hair is a f*cking wreck.

 KG: LOL. And u want weave. LOL

9:57 PM AB: It’s so absurd that you over look the wings on her suit. Yo the backup singers have dunks.   Why can’t I sing? I could have a career in gospel. It’s all fat women and gay men. LOL

 KG: bwahahahaha LOL

9:58 PM AB: The church two step is the sh*t!!! I need that in my life. I’m going to a Pentecostal church on Sunday to study it.

 KG: You’re not going to anybody’s church. LOL

 AB: They all church two stepping. I am going to learn the two step. This g-chat should be a post. LOL

10:01 PM KG: Damn...we should have made it one.

DONE & DONE!!!!


UPDATED:


By Request of Reader 'Andre' --- Here is Gospel Singer Kathy Taylor in the UniverSOUL Circus Tent!