That Awkward Moment When...

Situation: Ladies in the thick of the dating scene have all faced this problem – you have to take a sh*t and your boyfriend, boo, fav smanger, or whoever-- is near. Oh Lawd, what to do, what to do?

Ladies, Are you this comfortable?

She Says:

Ohh ladies, we have all been there – that cute moment when you two are snuggled up on the couch watching TV and all-of-a-sudden your stomach is on full blown BGs. Or you’re spending the night with your boyfriend, boo, fav smanger, or whoever for the first time and you need to take a sh*t. What do you do?

I have known women who have been holed up at a man’s place, eating and smanging for days on end, who have kept their poop lodged inside for that entire time; not letting it out until they had the home court advantage. Some have even said that they will not take a sh*t at their boyfriend’s house for the first six months!

In situations of dire need, women do have various techniques in which to drop the chocolate kids off at the pool without having their man be the wiser. Things like taking a sh*t then a shower, pulling a sit-and-flush, or padding the bowl with toilet paper so the plops aren't loud—are some of the ways in which they accomplish this.

You may be laughing, but this is apparently a very important issue for women – based on the fact that it is quite often a topic of conversation. Women are human beings and have to pass fecal matter in the same way as men. However taking a sh*t around a guy is often viewed as taboo, and when it happens for the first time it is often seen as a relationship milestone--well at least for women. I wonder if men even notice or care.  Men, do you have popping etiquette? Do men hold on to their fecal matter for days for fear of ridicule? Do men notice that women don’t take sh*ts around them?

Friends Don’t Let Friends get backed up…CONSTIPATION IS NEVER SEXY!!! Ladies, take control of your lives and sh*t freely – just remember to hop in the shower immediately after; I hear the steam helps the smell! LOL

A

He Says

Well, well, well…You tried to be cute and eat some ice cream after dinner with your boo (knowing you get the bubble guts when you eat dairy) and now your ass is on straight rumble.  Or you failed to toss back enough shots before your first smash time and now you need to take that famous nervous dump.  What the hell do you do?

Let me explain to you: no guy--and by guy I mean a real dude--should give a damn if you need to relieve yourself anally.  You better let that sh*t out.  I know most ladies hate to even go to the bathroom to pee around their dude.  Are y’all crazy?  If you got to go---you got to go.   I don't want you switching from side to side on the couch because you need to go sh*t.  That just makes you look like a retard to me. 

I appreciate a woman that will feel comfortable to relieve herself around me.   Don't mistakenly assume that if you don't go to the bathroom it’s going to make me want to be with you even more.  Shoot, I appreciate a random fart here and there from a woman.  It lightens the mood and allows me to joke on you.  You have never had a funnier conversation than the one that occurs when your man goes into the bathroom behind you, and realizes you can rock that joint even better than he can.  That is a proud moment.  It’s like seeing his son stand up and pee for the first time.  That joy is unspeakable.        

Now FDLF family y’all might think I am crazy, but do you know what backed up bowels can do to your life?  I did a little research for you fools.  Two (2) of the signs that you need to get your ass flushed happen to be bad breath and foul body odor.  Now go home and ask your man if he would prefer you to smell like bad tuna and Secret deodorant---or that you  just go in the bathroom and doo what it doo.  Ladies please---BE FREE AND SH*T IT OUT.

K

Ray-J: A Real R&B Thug!

Situation: Unless you were living under a rock yesterday, you heard the Ray-J interview with the Breakfast Club on 105.1 in NYC. We must say that it was highly entertaining. Of course we couldn’t let this slip by…

He Says:

I was definitely a doubter… and I never thought I would say this ever in my life…but---William Raymond Norwood Jr. is a real ninja. Not one of them fake ninjas, but a true thug. I think he said it best with, “Ninjas saying Ray J got beat up?? I socked that ninja in the face!”

For those who may not know what I am speaking of, let me fill you in. Fabolous and Ray-J got into a slight altercation this weekend over some twitter jokes. For those of you who might not know just how thorough William is, let me help you understand through the lens of the greatest interview in radio history—which went down yesterday morning, and during which Ray-J was completely spazzing on Fabolous. He actually told another grown man never to touch down on the west coast. That means Fabolous can’t even go visit Rancho Cucamonga without the goons coming out on him. Now go ahead and tell me that’s not thug life right there!

William further proceeded to tell Fabolous that he would find the goons that like dudes to rape him. Now I don’t know about the rest of the FDLF family, but all thugs I know definitely have goons at the ready to butt rape their enemies. That’s how they get down in the streets.

A lot of you might still be questioning my man William’s gangsta. So let me remind you of a few last things: he “got a indoor pool and a outdoor pool.” He “don’t drive no mutha f’n 97 GT!” And if you want to question him one more time---go to his crib and he “will show you all his cars’ pink slips.” Or just ask Kim K.

Dadadada Dayum!

K

She Says:

To say that I thoroughly enjoyed Ray-J’s rant yesterday morning would be an understatement. Ray-J started my previously boring ass Monday morning off with a bang. After listening, my first inclination was to wonder how long it was going to take for momma Sonia to whoop that ass! Lol!

Within minutes of his rant, Ray-J was trending on twitter and had several hash tags attached to his rant like, #PeopleTougherThanRayJ or #ThingsTougherThanRayJ. Black twitter had gone into frenzy! While laughing hysterically at the rant and my timeline alike, I began to think about what the take-a-ways from this whole situation might be. So here are my top 5 lessons to learn from Ray’s epic rant:

1. You Can Get Rich From Reality TV – Ray-J apparently owns 6 Bentleys, 7 Rolls-Royces, 10 Phantoms, 3 Maybachs, 20,000 square foot houses, glass chandeliers, 2 white ponies, a unicorn, and Bubbles (#ripMJ). I mean I was truly impressed that Ray-J had pink slips to all his cars! Way to make worthwhile investments (* rolls eyes *).

2. You Have to Apologize for Being a Broke Ass Bitch – You are broke if you do not have an outdoor and indoor version of every amenity in your home. I am installing an outdoor kitchen tomorrow. Y’all won’t be talking about me, huh!

3. Sending Goons to Rape Others is Acceptable – I did not know it was hot in the streets for men to send other grown men “to bend them over and have them stick it that n*gga’s booty.” OHHH MYY! O_O

4. To Appear Hard, Just Over Enunciate – It appeared to help Ray-J get his point across!!! I have a new respect for the word ‘apologize’.

5. Nick Cannon is Still Corny – While we’re on the subject of wack dudes, I need to say that I really just hate him! Marrying Mariah didn’t help the cause at all. ::shrugs::

The end. Y’all better comment or I will have my goons on y’all bumpers. LOL!

A

Gone for a Minute...

As you may (or may not) have noticed: as of late, our weekly wit and whimsy have been absent from the blogosphere. We miss entertaining you (and each other), but we're off living the lives we're committed to when we're not blogging. Big changes are on the horizon for both of us that we may (or may not) share in the future. We'll be back on the grind next week, furiously typing and posting our answers to the tough life questions you love us for putting out there on the table for all to address :-).

A & K

Baltimore: The Greatest City in America?!?!

Situation:

Recently, our hometown of Baltimore received negative national attention– AGAIN! The latest Baltimore feature was the video of a brawl in a McDonald’s restaurant, where two teenage girls beat a transgender woman until she went into seizures; the video quickly went viral. Though the recent events that have plagued Baltimore are horrific, Baltimore is still a great big little city! 

Ahhh, Bmore!

She Says:

Yet again, Baltimore is in the national spotlight for awful reasons, adding to the growing stigma of Baltimore as an unsafe city. It is extremely disheartening that Baltimore is always portrayed in this fashion and rarely highlighted for anything positive. Baltimore has a lot of charm that very often gets overlooked in favor of showcasing its gritty alter ego.  Baltimore is more than beating s, drugs, and the Inner Harbor. Let me tell you how:

1. Crabs -- Where else can you get steamed crabs, soft shell crabs, and crab cakes both easily and cost effectively? I would be willing to wager that a crab cake from the local carryout is better than those in some 4 or 5 star restaurants in other cities. One of the best ways to spend the summers in Bmore is to grab a few friends, head to the harbor, sip beer and eat freshly steamed blue crabs on the dock!

2. Free Festivals – I know many cities host free festivals. However the charm of Baltimore’s summer festivals is that they are ethnic in focus: African-American, Polish, Greek, Hispanic, Caribbean, and more. Often these events feature major national recording artists as entertainment.  In addition to those that are ethnically themed, you can also attend events like Artscape and the Baltimore Book festival. (I can’t wait for summer!)

3. Great Neighborhoods – Baltimore has many quirky and fun neighborhoods like Canton, Hampden, Mount Vernon, and Fells Point. Venturing out in these neighborhoods is a nice weekend activity due to all the cool eateries and boutiques. However – beware that you don’t go too far out of the boundary of the neighborhood. In Baltimore, you are just 3 blocks away from the hood at all times!  

Another thing you’ll note once you venture into Baltimore’s neighborhoods and communities, and interact with their inhabitants, is the rivalry that perpetually exists between those residing on the East Side vs. those that live on the West Side. There is no competition in my mind, of course—the west side is better. If I am going to hike over to the east side, then I might as well keep going up 95 and head to Philly!

4. Lexington Market – Ohh there is nothing on earth that compares to the World Famous Lexington Market. I don’t even think that I can fully describe the atmosphere, but let me try. You can get one of the best crab cakes on earth at Faidley’s,  then venture outside and watch crack head magic tricks. You will see a crack head, as high as a kite, do a lean better than MJ himself (#ripMJ), all while holding their jumbo half and half—never falling or spilling one drop of their beverage. Oh, and there’s no need to be afraid of this phenomenon; the Lexington Market crack head is a peaceful creature.

Baltimore truly is a great city when the weather is warm :). Now, if only someone could provide stable nightlife for the city! *deep sigh*

A

He Says:

I love my city. There is something beautiful about being able to still be proud of a town that is best known for murders, STDs, and good Heroin. But alas, I will tell you about three of the wonderful things I most enjoy about my city:

1. Baltimore Club Music - Club music is the staple sound of Bmore culture; it is the sound of the people in this city. I remember being a little kid and sneaking my headphones into my room so I could listen to Frank Ski mix during the late night shift on V-103FM. Over the years, our music has spread outside of Baltimore, and up and down the east coast, but it remains native to us. One note of caution: make sure to watch out if you are in the club when it comes on. There’s a possibility you may get elbowed, stabbed or impregnated. (R.I.P Miss Tony and K-Swift.)

2. Norma Jean’s/Eldorado’s - I know some of you folks in upper class urban cities like Atlanta think y’all have the best “skrippers”, but there is nothing in the world like seeing a mother “butter ball” naked on the pole. I would venture to say that Baltimore might have the most amazing looking strippers on the east coast. Not to mention the unique excitement of knowing you’re going into an establishment where you will most certainly see a woman fully tatted, with fresh stretch marks and gold teeth; only in my city can you look this way and still get enough money to support 4 kids!

3. Korean Fried Chicken - I know, I know--some of you folks believe that the best fried chicken is from Popeye’s or KFC. But, being the fried chicken connoisseur that I am, I have to let you know (and this may be shocking) that you have not had the best fried chicken until you have been to a hood establishment in this here great city of Baltimore. My Korean brothers and sisters have truly mastered the delicate art of frying the chicken wang. Head on over to Royal’s in The Village, or down to Super’s at Lexington Market and Mrs. Kim will bless you with the best fried chicken of your life!

Baltimore is, in fact, a wonderful place for family and friends to enjoy each other. From the outside it may not seem that our city has much to offer, but there is so much here to enjoy. Now that you know where to go and what to do, buy your bullet proof vest and condoms, then head out and enjoy my city. And remember, eat the crabs--don’t let the crabs eat you!

K

P.S. This blog post was brought to you by the fine people at Jesus Christ Bail Bonds. Enjoy the video below! :) 

Who Run This Motha? Apparently Beyoncé?!

Situation: It’s here! The 2011 moment we have been dreading – we are on the brink of Beyonce season! *sobs* (There’s really not much left to say, except…)

At least the artwork for the single is dope!

She Says:

I knew it was coming. I felt it in my bones – Beyonce was coming back and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Let me get this out of the way before all of the Beyonce stans label me a ‘hater’ because I criticize their beloved: Beyonce is beautiful, talented, skinny, light skinned, rich, married, and accomplished. I never deny these things about her – EVER!

And now that we’ve covered that, I’m free to go in! Beyonce’s new single, Girls, dropped this week and you would have thought Jesus had come back to earth to save us from the rapture. The song is mediocre at best, save for the beat and that isn’t even original to this track. Just like all of Beyonce’s recent songs, I cannot say that I don’t like it because I am sure after the ridiculous amount of airplay both the video and song will receive, I will be forced to. With all Beyonce songs you have no choice but to like them after they’ve been drilled into your head.

In my opinion, it seems that Beyonce is getting progressively lazy in her approach to song choices and lyrical content. She has reached a level where she can put out mediocre music and still hit platinum status because of her stans. However, this song, in terms of quality, would be better suited for Ciara or Keri Hilson; yet if either of them had released it, this single would have quickly been labeled as trash! I’m just saying…let’s be real here; it’s disheartening because Beyonce has the ability to make a classic album with lyrical content and vocals worth commenting on, but instead she releases this crap.

Lastly, it just always turns me off that a Beyonce single mysteriously drops when her “sister” Kelly is back on the scene. It just seems a little odd to me that Queen Bey cannot allow anyone to have a flourishing career—not even her former group mate/ sister/ friend. If we were to compare the songs, there is no competition -- Motivation is the better.

A

P.S – I listened to Girls on repeat while I wrote this, and by the last note I’d caught myself nodding my head! The vicious attack of Beyonce season has begun…

He Says:
The AUDACITY of this jawn! Who does she think she is? Better yet--does she think we are stupid? Beyonce has once again flooded the urban music market with a piss poor use of her vocal talent. Yes, I did say PISS POOR. This new song “Girls Run the World” is an embarrassment for someone with that much talent. Beyonce can blow. But she has continually put out underwhelming tracks and albums for her cult-like fans. And she must have put up a lot of money; because if I was Major Lazers, there is no way those rudimentary lyrics would ever touch my production.

After driving to work and hearing the trash for the first time, I thought it would be a good idea to test the power of Bey. I went into work and asked four black female co-workers if they knew there was a new Beyonce track out. All of them looked at me in shock—you’d have thought I told them I saw Jesus physically lowering gas prices. One woman even proceeded to tell me the story of how she had previously driven up the east coast to see Beyonce in six different cities! Each woman, within 30 minutes of my initial question, had sent an email saying that “the track was hot” or “Bey is back!” Since I consider myself a smart man, I know the one thing you don’t do is argue with a member of the Holy Temple of Bey. So I decided not to respond with any ignorant comments for my personal safety. I was even told on twitter that my comments about Bey might get me un-followed and/or my car keyed. C’mon people!

So for you ladies and gentle-ladies that worship Beyonce on a regular basis, let me breakdown exactly what she is doing. In basketball, there is something called the “Heat Check”. This is when a shooter thinks they are able to hit any shot on the court. They proceed to shoot a ridiculous and unwarranted shot just because they think everything they throw up will go in the basket. This is exactly what Beyonce has done with this song---and actually what she did with her last album as well. She knows that any and everything she puts out will be flocked to by all of her worshippers. So she throws out a piece of sh*t song, just to check to see how hot she is. Now don’t get me wrong---many major artists do this often, including Michael Jackson with his “Blood on the Dance Floor” disaster (#ripMJ --addition courtesy of A, lol); and Prince deciding to change his name to a dumb ass symbol. But this is the time that people need to stand up and put an end to this. Don’t go around saying how hot this song is, because you damn sure know it isn’t. If you do, we will all have to suffer thru many more summers of Beyonce’s trash for years to come!

K

What Your iTunes Says About You?

Situation:
We wanted to make the next Music Week post a little more introspective, so KG and I dove deep into our iTunes libraries to determine what our top five most played songs are. Let’s see what we have here…

She Says:
This was an eye opening experience. I was somewhat curious to see what, out of the thousands of songs in my iTunes library, I really play the most. Here are my top five most played songs (number of plays included):

Golden by Jill Scott – 111 plays
Crown Royal by Jill Scott – 106 plays
I Nominate You by Fantasia – 102 plays
Lay in My Bed by Mario – 101 plays
Incredible God, Incredible Praise by Youthful Praise – 95 plays

This made me laugh aloud in my training class--and if you know me, you know how infectious and loud my laughs are! These five songs shocked me. One could infer from the list that I am a happy, God-loving nymph. I looked further into my ‘Most Played’ playlist to see if the trend continued…and it did. *chuckles* Most of my top played songs are about Jesus, sex, and the search for love and happiness. I am ok with this. I mean, God and Sex both do the same for your life – they make you happy, relieve stress from your life, and bring you closer to something! We all could use a little more Jesus, sex, and happiness in our lives right?! Sometimes your spirit might need to hear a little “Baby I ain’t into satisfying nobody but you, touching on nobody but you…” immediately followed by “I've had some problems, some great and some small. You being God, delivered me from them all…” It really does wonders for your soul!!! :)

A

He Says:
I’m going to take a bit of a different approach on my top 5 than A did with hers. Looking over these I realized that I am one random a$$ mutha. I never really knew what songs I was drawn to except for the first one; and that’s because I listen to it every day. Well, instead of boring you all with my rambling, here is my list:

1. Get By Remix by Talib Kweli and other dope MCs - I listen to this song every single morning after waking up. The old school Kanye production is so raw (in my Chicago accent)! But more than that, it’s such an introspective and honest hip hop song that it really inspires me. I start my day amped because I know that through every battle, vice, and sin---I’m going to make it through.
2. Crown Royal by Jill Scott - This is one of the more simplistic Jilly songs, but it’s so smooth that you can literally put some Crown Royal (Special Reserve of course) on ice and just lay back, chill and become one with the song.
3. Chasing After You by Bishop Paul S. Morton - The words to this song describe my ideal relationship with God: continuing to build a better relationship with Him or Her and doing whatever you have to do to make that happen. Plus the band takes me to Church in this one!
4. Everything In Its Right Place by Radiohead: Though debatably weird, this is a great song that I continually catch myself listening to and just zoning out in thought. It’s probably my favorite Radiohead song by far.
5. Summer Madness by Kool and the Gang: This instrumental track by the Funk masters had no need for words and is a perfect song to appreciate just for the production.

I am not able to find a unique connection or overall theme in my list of songs—especially not one between sex, God, love, and religion like my talented counterpart discovered in hers. But what I can say is that there is some form of peace that comes from all music. Whether mentally, spiritually, or sexually---all music has the ability to transport you.

K

Random Gchat Musings

Siutation: KG and I happened to be watching Celebration of Gospel that aired on BET last night. I missed the 1st hour of the show (womp), however the 2nd hour proved to be the topic of our Gchat last night...ENJOY! We will be back with a "normal" post this week!!

AB:   WTF is El Debarge doing now?   I can’t….   Ugh

8:50 PM KG: I don’t know. This whole program took a bad turn with the Kirk Franklin opening.

 AB: Well I missed that. Thank God

8:51 PM KG: Oh that nigga was dougie'n and pop lockin’.

 AB: Howard Hewitt… WTF.  I can’t. I’m done. Back to trash TV.

 KG: LOL

8:53 PM AB: El doesn’t have that “go to church” voice. Where is Tasia?

8:54 PM KG: Yeah El has just been pimped by BET since the awards. LOL

8:55 PM AB: LOL  LOL   It’s like he’s on contract and sh*t... LOL

 KG: hahaha I know. LOL

AB: Ohhh he has a show on BET.  Got it. That makes sense.

 KG: LOL Pimpin’.

 AB: LOL… WTF does Kirk have on? OMG!!!

 KG: LOL LOL LOL LOL…   Classic.

 AB: I can’t!!! He is the WB frog; just shucking and jiving.

 KG: He has country cuffs. I can’t.

9:01 PM AB: I’m done! Like Kirk hasn't done sh*t, and it’s getting more evident now  b/c he dresses like a coon.

9:02 PM KG: I’m still trying to figure out what he has added to this performance…maybe a random "C’mon!"

 AB: He’s done nothing but distract me from a great performance. Did Israel just play him?

 KG: WTF is he screaming

9:03 PM AB: I CAN’T!!!! Israel really just said "Kirk, why don’t you try to sing?" LOL LOL

 KG: LOL LOL LOL

 AB: LOL Hilarity! Finally, Mary Mary! Some good GOSPEL. LOL.  I heard the one in the skirt had a stank attitude.  I don’t know their real names.

 KG: She looks like she might

 AB: s/n: I want that jacket.

 KG: Which?

9:05 PM AB: The whole outfit really…the stank one’s.

 KG: OK--as long as u don’t get the weave, we’re good.

 AB: I want a weave though.

 KG: I'll pull it out.

 AB: Why?

9:06 PM KG: Ugh! Why would you do that to your life?

 AB: I’m sick of my hair. LOL  God I wish I could sing... WTF was that hair in the audience?

 KG: LOL There’s so much coonery in the audience.

9:07 PM AB: LOL… Can they just sing “Yesterday”? I mean, really?

9:08 PM KG: Um sorry, but no. LOL…   This is the ‘hip hop’ Celebration of Gospel.

 AB: Boo! I haven’t felt the spirit on any of those songs. Rance Allen is smooth. You can tell he still pulls old church freaks.  LOL

9:14 PM KG: He always has been. ahahaha

 AB: You know he does with that crisp white hair. The church ladies be making him plates of food. LOL

 KG: Oh, every Sunday he has a plate waiting. LOL

 AB: Look at how light he is on his feet. LOL… And he’s two stepping.

 KG: He’s so big...but he gets around the stage. LOL

9:16 PM AB: Rance Allen got a dunk! Who is the baldy on the left?

 KG: OK, sidebar: all these dudes have on wedding bands, but look hella gay.

AB: SHOCKER!!!! It’s the black church. I’m sure 42.3% of the men in black churches are gay,  but have to front b/c black religious people are crazy.

9:18 PM KG: LOL Is that an ascot or a tie?...LOL I can’t tell! LOL

 AB: An ascot I presume; however I feel some spirit in this song.

**Convo pauses for praise break**

9:21 PM AB: I’m adding this to the download list!

 KG: Yeah great song

9:23 PM AB: that was awesome!!! Bobby Jones equals GAY!

9:33 PM AB: Now they know there are Lane Bryant stores and shit.

  They could have found her a better dress than that tent! I can’t!

 KG: I can’t!!! hahahahah

9:34 PM AB: No..no..no That is inapprop! And it’s an electric blue tent!

 KG: She has room in her arms though. LOL

 AB: Are you going to see that at the UniverSOUL Circus?  Ringling Brothers don’t want that.

 KG: hahahaha

9:35 PM AB: I’m waiting for Kim Burell.

**5 minutes passes**

9:40 PM AB: There are a lot of fat women in Gospel. Why can’t I sing? I wouldn’t have to have a 9 to 5. Damn.

**11 minutes**

9:52 PM AB: Ok Whitney and Kim! Kim dressed nicely--no damn circus tent. WTF

 KG: hahaha Whitney’s stomach! LOL

 AB: Yea looks like she’s off that crack now;  she gained weight. LOL

 KG: Why wear that dress?

9:54 PM AB: She still thinks she's skinny. Spanx could have worked.

9:55 PM KG: LOL

9:56 PM AB: Dammit Bobby Jones! Really? I want to learn how to do the church two step.

 KG: LOL LOL

 AB: That hair is a f*cking wreck.

 KG: LOL. And u want weave. LOL

9:57 PM AB: It’s so absurd that you over look the wings on her suit. Yo the backup singers have dunks.   Why can’t I sing? I could have a career in gospel. It’s all fat women and gay men. LOL

 KG: bwahahahaha LOL

9:58 PM AB: The church two step is the sh*t!!! I need that in my life. I’m going to a Pentecostal church on Sunday to study it.

 KG: You’re not going to anybody’s church. LOL

 AB: They all church two stepping. I am going to learn the two step. This g-chat should be a post. LOL

10:01 PM KG: Damn...we should have made it one.

DONE & DONE!!!!


UPDATED:


By Request of Reader 'Andre' --- Here is Gospel Singer Kathy Taylor in the UniverSOUL Circus Tent!