Sound the Damn Alarms!

Situation:

It happens all the time. The statistics are astounding. Every second 2,000 women receive communication from their exes, just as they are getting comfortable with the next guy.  (No, that is not the actual statistic, but you get the point.)


She Says:

I am always amazed at the uncanny ability of the male species to always pop back up just when you are moving on with someone else in your life. You are spending time with your new guy, laughing at his jokes, flirting uncontrollably, gushing about him to your friends, holed up in his brownstone in NY--and then, all of a sudden, here come the ghosts of boyfriends past. Like clockwork you start to receive random telegraphs, text messages, Morse code signals, phone calls, tweets, FB messages, and smoke signals. Every single time the possibility exists that you might be happy with the next dude, ex boyfriends, boos, ex smangers--or whatever-- start falling out the sky, bringing with them profound confessions of love and admiration for you.  EXCUSE ME SIR, PLEASE GO THAT WAY! =======>Yes, all the way over there!

I want to know how they know that you are happy with someone else. I really want/need to know this because the timing of the reappearance of ex boyfriends, boos, ex smangers--or whatever--is more accurately timed than Bin Laden’s killing. It is my theory (and I really believe it to be true) that when you engage in physical contact with men they implant a homing device in you, and that when there is a “threat” that may compromise their position with their “girl” it triggers an alarm. When the alarm is activated, it then transmits radio waves or some other form of alert that simply states “DANGER: P*SSY ON THE MOVE.”

Stop laughing and think about it. It makes logical sense. Men have a small window of opportunity to resurface in this woman’s life before the deed to the p*ssy is transferred to the new guy. So the random telegraph, text message, Morse code signal, phone call, tweet, FB message, or smoke signal is the last ditch effort to claim stake as a joint tenant of the p*ssy. Makes sense don’t it?!

This is one of life’s great mysteries. How can men sense they have lost their p*ssy privileges? The world may never know.

A

He Says:

Every woman has an innate gift that is called “The Woman’s Intuition”.  This instinct allows a woman to feel it internally when a ninja is doing something wrong.  It is a beautiful quality that, oddly enough, usually gives women the correct notions about male behavior. 

Please allow me to explain how men have a more powerful and deadly intuition that, though not as widely recognized, has been messing up the lives of women young and old for years.  I like to call it simply, “The Cheeks Intuition”.   It is that feeling that a guy gets when he is on the verge of losing the hold on the cakes to another dude.  Ladies, we are not stalking you and we normally don’t know when you are even dealing with another ninja.  There is a trigger inside of us that tells us when the cheeks are about to be annihilated by someone else.  And being the true ninjas that we are, we will seek to destroy any chances that this other brother might have of getting on smash time.  Every man has this instinct and, unfortunately, most will act on it; normally initiating it through the use of the random text.

There are two types of approaches to re-claiming the cheeks. With the first approach, the dude will come hard at you.  He will try to see you, and smash you within the first week of this feeling gripping him.  He will not take the chance that he might lose “ownership” of the cheeks.  (And yes ladies I did say ownership.  Most dudes, once they smash multiple times, feel that those cheeks are theirs for life.  It is a messed up reality, but it is reality nonetheless.)  His hope is that if he works the cheeks well enough, you will forget about giving it up to this other dude, and that he will still have ties to you.  With the second approach, the dude will be a silent killer.  This guy is the gentleman.  He will reach out and have meaningful conversations with you; act as though he cares about your well being and happiness with the new guy; and connect with you emotionally on the things that you feel you are missing.  All the while, he is breaking down your guard and waiting for the perfect storm of emotional vulnerability.  Then, and only then, will he pounce and snatch the cheeks!   

There are many outcomes that can come to fruition as a result of a man’s experiencing The Cheeks Intuition; the majority of which end up causing confusion, stress and pain for the young lady involved.  But at the conclusion the young lad is proud, for he has used his prowess to grab hold of the cheeks one mo’ time.

K