How Soon is Too Soon? Part 1

Situation:

No nice set up here – Is it possible to sleep with a man too soon? Let’s talk about it!

She Says:

How does one answer this question? I think it really depends on what you are truly comfortable with. Personally, I do not have a set time limit of 3 months, 2 days, or when the moon is in Aquarius -- I just do it when I feel comfortable. However, the fact is, once a girl starts dating, she is often told that the golden rule to dating is – “Don’t sleep with that man too soon!” Too soon is relative right?!

I once asked a dude if he formed an opinion about me after we hooked up, and he said that he did. He went on to say that he thought I was “a woman who knew what (I) wanted and liked, but was maybe not ready to settle down…” He continued with some other things that I will not share as I feel I sometimes share a little too much with my readers (though I know you guys appreciate it, LOL!). But my point here is that based off of that first time he had already assumed that I was not ready for marriage. Hmmm…okay!

In my opinion, men can be pseudo-hypocrites when it comes to the rules and judgments around sleeping with a woman.  Hear me out: what I mean, is that they do everything in their power to get you to sleep with them—courting you, giving you an oil change, helping you move boxes, talking on the phone, etc--then you finally sleep with them and it is deemed “too soon”; and all of the sudden your value plummets in their eyes.  Why is this?! Men make the assumption that because, for example, Bonquisha slept with them in whatever time frame she did, that she must obviously do this with every single man she encounters. So Bonquisha gets labeled “not marriage material” because she smashed too soon. What a load of bullshit! It stands to reason that not every man Bonquisha encounters is marriage material either--maybe he was simply meant to fill a certain void in her life at the moment, and all he was meant to be was penis meat—but this shouldn’t negate her own potential to be a good mate.

Nevertheless, this seems to continue to be an issue when you want to build a relationship with a guy. Dating right now is all a numbers game; there are so many more available women in the world, than there are available men. So maybe there is pressure for women to sleep with men quickly because of the fear that he could possible getting it from someone else. Often I hear the sentiment from women that they are feeling a guy but don’t want to lose his attention by making him wait for sex. Honestly, does making a guy wait create the perfect environment for a long-term relationship? I don’t think so!  So what’s a girl to do??

In my opinion, it shouldn’t matter! Throw all the stupid rules out the window and do what feels right to you.  If dude really likes you, it shouldn’t matter if y’all have sex for the first time on the 1st date or the 20th date. If dude has a problem, in the words of my late grandmother, “Momma had him, Momma f^ck him…”

A

P.S. 'He Says' is coming tomorrow and we have a treat for you guys! :)

House, Check! Job, Check! Man....

Situation:   Recently, A was in a conversation with someone who told her that she was not “marriage material” because she “does not need a man.” Needless to say this comment erupted into a whole argument. However, an unbridled curiosity has been peaked regarding whether or not men think women who are self sustaining don’t need them.

Yes...but I still need ya!

She Says:

Let me start by saying that when I was told that I was not “marriage material” it was like taking a punch to the gut. In that instant, I envisioned myself at 60 years old, with no husband or children; but instead with 30 cats (I abhor cats) in an empty house eating canned tuna. However, I quickly snapped out of it and thought, “Hold up Shawty, you don’t know me!” *in my best T.I voice*

When I asked the man why he deemed me unworthy to be married, he stated the following reasons: “You own your own home, you are working on your masters, you don’t need my money--you good…” His list continued with more stupid monetary and tangible items, and as he continued to ramble I began to realize that this guy is a dud anyway.

But yes, I do own my home and I will be graduating with my masters in December. Yes, I can pay my own car note and pay all my bills on time.  But tell me why that means I don’t need a man.  Yes, I can provide myself with food, clothing, and shelter – my basic needs in life—without the help of a man. But as adults, shouldn’t we all be able to take care of ourselves? Would you want to marry someone who could not take care of his or herself?

I finally interjected this young man to say that you don’t want someone who needs you to take care of them; you want someone who is dependent upon you for all of the intangible things that being in a partnership provides.  There is a difference. Women like to have men around for many reasons like the obvious things – shoveling snow, carrying the groceries in, fixing broken things in the house, etc. LOL.  Though it’s nice to have men to do these are things, I can (and do) handle them on my own. Needing a man is more than the physical and monetary benefits; it is also about companionship, connecting, encouragement, intimacy, love, partnership and support. It’s having someone to make you feel appreciated, respected, secure and special. It is—simply put—about needing real, unconditional love. 

Therefore, I can do everything for myself, but I am not going to want to do it alone forever. My self-sufficiency is not meant to be intimidating or challenging to men. And the simple fact remains:  I DO NEED A MAN!! 

*sings*  I can pay my own light bill baby, Pump my own gas in my own car, I can buy my own shoe collection, I've been blessed thus far, I can kill the spider above my bed, Although it's hard because I'm scared, I can even stain and polyurethane…And even though I can do all these things by my damn self, I need you, I do, I do, I do, I do… -Jill Scott
A

He Says:

It is very interesting to hear this question: should a woman actually need me?  As I ponder it, many things come to mind.  I would love for a person to feel as if I give them so much that it becomes a part of their being; that puts the onus on me to want to continue being the best man that I can be for the woman I am with.  But in actuality, I don't want a woman to need me for anything. I think that can be cause for overly emotional connections that can ultimately be unhealthy.  I appreciate the love that I receive from a woman and, at the end of the day, I want her to want the things that I bring to the table; but not necessarily need them.

I always thought that men who wanted a woman to “need” them had self esteem issues.  I don't want someone to rely on me to the point where I would have some type of control over them.  I know tons of men who want a woman to need them financially, sexually, and emotionally because they have a need to have someone locked onto them to make them feel a sense of power in their lives.  I NEVER really trusted dudes like this, and women---you shouldn’t either!   These ninjas out here brainwash women to believe that they can supply every one of their needs.  I'm sorry, but only baby Jesus can do that.  My sh*t never got hard when a woman needed me.  In retrospect, those were the women that I actually shied away from.      

You see, I’ve grown up with a momma that worked a full time finance job.  Had my pops slipped up, she would have been completely self-sufficient and ok to survive on her own. But the thing I appreciated about my parents’ relationship (and a lot of old school relationships), is that each partner was thankful for the tasks and talents that the other brought to the union.  There wasn’t a sense of “needing” one another, but it was a mutual understanding of the things each person brought to the table.  A relationship should not be one sided.  My dad cooked, ate, drank beer, slept, and cut the grass.  My mom, on the other hand, entertained, washed clothes, and effectively shopped every week for the whole house.  But if one person was not there, the other party would never have felt helpless because they were so dependent on their partner.  

When I walk down the aisle, I think it’s important that my wife talks to me about the things she would like to see me do.  I want to be the backbone for my wife and be the person that she can rely on for anything.  But, I don't want her to feel that she’d be completely helpless if I wasn’t in the picture.  I love a strong minded woman that has faith in her own ability to do any and everything without the help of a man.  To me, a self sufficient woman is the sexiest.  Be educated, be sexy, be financially stable, and bring all those great qualities to build a great relationship.   But no woman should ever need me, nor do I want her to, as I don't need a woman’s dependence in order to feel good about myself.  I appreciate, and have more respect for a woman who doesn’t need me—but wants me.

K

Deal Breakers in Diapers?!

Situation:  Every now and then we receive topic requests, and recently one in particular has kept coming up – DATING PEOPLE WITH KIDS!  *grabs fork and knife* We are ready to go in!

She Says:

*scratches forehead*

Let me first put my info out there: I do not have kids, nor do I want kids anytime soon for the following reasons: they suck money out of everything; I am not married; a kid would impose huge restrictions and cause a major loss of freedom during my 20s life; I am not married; they suck the money out of everything (I am aware that I’d already stated the last two—so you understand how strongly I feel about them).  Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to my thoughts!

Nowadays, it is extremely rare to find someone who is single and on the dating scene, yet does not have children. More often than not I am asked “How many kids do you have?” Though, I think the more appropriate question to be posed should be “Do you have any children?” There is an automatic assumption that everyone has kids, and that should not be assumed; it’s not true.  There are some single girls out there who are not baby mommas. Would I prefer to date a kid-less bachelor? OF COURSE!  However, am I strictly opposed to dating someone with kids? NO!

My preference to date men without children is rooted in the fact that there is one less layer to go through. I don’t want to have to deal with any complicated family situations or baby mommas. For example, I definitely could not see myself dating a man with three kids by five women. Frankly, it says to me that you are irresponsible in making your life choices--unless that was your goal all along and you will obviously still get a side eye from me. 

I once went on a date and I asked the gentleman if he had any kids. His response – “Yea I have two kids, but you don’t have to worry about them. I don’t see them on the regular.” O_O Excuse me sir, what did you just say? That response was so gut wrenching that it quickly canceled any chance he had with me. Gentlemen, it is not an acceptable dating technique to openly--and almost proudly--admit that you are a deadbeat dad. On the flip side, if you do have children and you are an amazing, loving father--that speaks very highly of your character, and should be a good sign for any woman who chooses to date you.

So, in a nutshell, from my point-of-view, having  one or more kids is not a deal breaker, but it is not a preference either…

A

He Says:

*scratches bald head*

A and I are best friends for a reason.  I am not interested in having kids either.  I love kids when I can give them back.  I want to get married, but I also want to be able to have a tad bit of freedom in my life.  Having a child would definitely put a roadblock in my financial and social freedom.

With that being said, I think I would be open to dating someone with a child.  But I would be so restrictive about everything that it may not make sense to even waste the woman’s time.  I am very picky to begin with.  Having a child will cause me to be even more anal about any and everything that this jawn would have going on in her life.  Unfortunately, in this day, when you meet a single woman there is a good chance that she has a child or children.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking any young lady out there who has a child, but there would have to be some ground rules set before I freely date you (smashing is a different story right?)

For me there are some things that allow a woman with kids to get the deuces.  First, ladies do not allow your children to ruin your life to the point that you lose your sexiness.  I was once being entertained by an older lady that had a little 3 year old son.  The kid was a cute little terror to say the least.  Also, ladies, if you are trying to keep a man in your life, don’t invite him to your house if you can’t keep your ish clean.  I never want to walk into someone’s house and have to trip over toys and step over dirty tightey whiteys.  At the end of the day, your child should be a reflection of you---not vice versa.  I don’t want to deal with a woman that can’t control their child.  If you can’t handle your child you can’t handle yourself.  That’s my thought and I’m sticking to it.

Secondly, ladies if you have not fully separated yourself emotionally and sexually from the father of your child, don't bring that junk up in here.  I'm not really interested in dealing with your drama, your kid’s drama, and some other man’s drama.  Most women end up smashing the father of their child even after they have finished dealing with each other.  I know a woman who still smashes her “baby daddy”.  Problem is, the child is now 25 and she has been married for 19 years.  Like really jawn, at some point you got to give it up!  Being emotionally tied to a child is one thing; but being emotionally tied to the situation that created that child is unacceptable in my book. 

For me, if I have a choice I am not going to go and seek a woman with a child.  And unfortunately, if you have a child, most men are going to smash you and never look to move the relationship to the next level.  (Thought to self: if I am ever out on the dating scene, I’ll stick to the cougars.  They got a little extra money saved up and their kids have hopefully already finished college.  That way, I don't have to worry about the extra drama from the child and I can get all the yams I want!)           

K

Quench Your Thirst

Situtation: The thirst…OH THE GOD DAMN THIRST!

DRINK UP!

She Says:

Thirst (thûrst) –noun

1. A sensation of dryness in the mouth and throat caused by need of liquid.

2. The physical condition resulting from this need, in any of various degrees

3. Strong or eager desire; craving: a thirst for knowledge.

Ahhh! Good ‘ol dictionary.com never fails me. I wanted to put the definition of thirst out on Front Street. The sex/relationship/love/marriage struggle is real in these here streets. Trust me I know. However, epic failures in the dating arena are pushing people over the edge and quite honestly, THE THIRST IS SLAYING ME.   

Women are often easily and erratically labeled as thirsty because of the ratio of women to men; since women outnumber men so drastically in the dating scene the female thirst seems more apparent. But let’s just get this straight: the thirst is not exclusive to one sex; both men and women are guilty of this horrendous behavior. Confused on what thirsty behavior is? Let me explain.

If you have ever:

1. Sent a crazy letter expressing your love for someone--even after they have told you, “Thanks, but no thanks!” several times; you might be thirsty!

2. Kept making unanswered requests for dates and professing your love to your pregnant wife’s Soror, then you might be thirsty!

3. Found yourself constantly coming out of pocket to save the object of your affection from his or her problems, yet they will not even loan you a penny to scratch your lottery ticket; yeah, you are thirsty! 

4. Been studying to be a doctor and then stopped going to medical school because your new boo only had a GED and you did not want to intimidate them--yup, you guessed it: ya ass is thirsty!

5. As a grown man soliciting for Baby Mommas in your Facebook status, you need help. I recently saw a status that asked: “If u were paid 1,000 dollars to make a baby for someone would you do it just asking!” O_O…. We have a problem: YOU ARE F^CKING DEHYRDATED!

Thirst could be avoided if people simply understood that it exists because the affection they’re expressing is not mutual. It is perpetuated by men and women who have such a strong desire to be with someone, nay anyone, that they often lose sight of themselves. If you know someone who exhibits this behavior, please--I beg of you--sit him or her down, grab a blanket, wrap it around them and offer them some Gatorade or H2O. Make them drink until their thirst is quenched. It is your moral obligation as a friend to save them because Friends Don’t Let Friends…. 

A

He Says:

Ladies and Gentleman, The Thirst gets real on these here streets.  Since I have only ever dealt with women, I will speak on the thirsty female jawns that exist out here.  Ladies, your thirstiness is annoying and offensive to us; and outright embarrassing for you.  I honestly, in my heart, feel bad for the extent that some of you will go to for the attention of a man.  I have found myself consistently on the receiving end of thirsty actions.  As a younger man, I thought that only crazy women were capable of being thirsty.  But as I have grown up a little bit, I have come to the conclusion that even the most educated, well put-together woman can have a dry well and act out on it.   

There are a few different kinds of thirsty jawns that I would like to present.  Men please keep your eyes open for these women and proceed with caution:   

1. Thirsty jawn #1 is the one that is thirsty for you to wife her.  Normally, there are no visible signs of the thirst until after you have explained to her that the two of you are just friends.  However, generally this type of woman does not want to accept that there is no chance of things ever progressing, and that she is permanently in the friend zone.  Instead, this culprit will proceed to text, call, email, FB, and tweet you, expressing her love and affection for you on a regular basis, in hopes that you will change your mind. To this end, I have a word of advice to the women out there who may fall into this category:  a man is not going to leave his wife for you.  He might smash you, but he is not coming to wife you.  It’s just not going to happen.  My advice is ---either learn to be his BFF or learn to be his jump-off; because in all honesty---anything else would be uncivilized. 

2. Thirsty jawn #2 is the one that is itching for the D.  Man. Something about your tongue or your Phallus has caused this poor woman to go into a trance.  She is thinking about you banging her out on a daily basis, and is doing any and everything she can to bring this to fruition.  The problem is this makes her come off as an effin nut job.  Case in point—ma’am, please don’t send me a picture of your cooch while I’m working on an excel spreadsheet at the office (especially if I told you that you needed to wash that sh*t in the first place). Look, if I wanted to bang you again---you would know.  After a while, your constant sexual advances just become annoying.  After a year of begging and pleading, you should be clear on the fact that meeting you at Brown’s Motel at your request is not in my plan of action for the day.  Go buy yourself a vibrator and some baby wipes---and have a good night!

3. Thirsty jawn #3 is the most deadly of all.  This is the woman that you won’t smash and you won’t wife, so she is now intent on destroying your life.  Thirsty jawn #1 and 2 each have the capacity to turn into #3 if their advances are not cut off in a timely fashion. This jawn will slash your tires because you won’t love her; or will try to permanently f*ck up your relationship because you won’t leave your girl for her.  Unfortunately this woman will go to any and every extreme to wreak havoc in your life, and when she doesn’t get what she wants; her vindictiveness can cause even more damage.  I once had a woman fabricate a whole story about me smashing her and tell it to a girlfriend; the events in the story never happened.  At the end of the day, these women are not to be messed with.  They are thirsty AND out to kill your dreams and take your life.

At the end of the day ladies, your thirsty behavior has got to stop.  It is neither healthy for you nor the poor men you are affecting.  As a caring soul, I want to tell you how much of a fool you appear to be when you involve yourself in inappropriate activities based on thirst. So do me a favor---go grab yourself some water and end the drought; because neither I, nor the other men of the world, have the time or the inclination to quench it for you.   

K

Gone for a Minute...

As you may (or may not) have noticed: as of late, our weekly wit and whimsy have been absent from the blogosphere. We miss entertaining you (and each other), but we're off living the lives we're committed to when we're not blogging. Big changes are on the horizon for both of us that we may (or may not) share in the future. We'll be back on the grind next week, furiously typing and posting our answers to the tough life questions you love us for putting out there on the table for all to address :-).

A & K